Page 35 of Unlocked Dive
A pit opens in my stomach, shadowed with self-loathing and thorny with doubt.
“Yes, Elke.” I keep my face impassive, my trembling fists shoved between my thighs. “I know.”
Of course I know. He hasn’t tried to hide it.“The only time I don’t feel fucked up is when you touch me.”He’s using my desire to fuel his recovery, and it’sfine, because his recovery is what I want too. We’ve never pretended this would last past his evaluation—an evaluation I’m increasingly certain I’ll be handing over to Reggie once the last of my credibility is shattered and she yanks me from the case.
But another, deeper part of me is laughing at my foolishness, because Elke is right. Reggie is right. I don’t know how to hold back my heart in these situations, and pretending that keeping my dick out of Echo’s tight ass is the same thing is both laughable and doomed to fail.
I’m used to ignoring the advice of the women in my life, though, so I lie to us both one more time.
“I can handle my own sex life, Elke.” I return her pat on the cheek, equally patronizing. “No one is falling in love.”
I make my way across the lawn, following the creak and clatter of the rigging that tells me Echo is, in fact, on the rope. There’s no moon tonight, and in the faint starlight that filters throughthe trees, all I can see is the shadow of his movements and his white T-shirt flashing in the dark.
“Hey,” I call softly. He ignores me. “Echo.” Firmer this time. “You shouldn’t be up there drunk in the dark. It’s not safe.”
His movements slow, then stop. After a second, he drops to the mat.
“I’m not a fucking child, Byrd. I am capable of making my own decisions.”
I know. I still want to protect you.
But what I say out loud is:
“Is that what you did tonight? Made your own decisions?”
“You told me to lay low, to ‘keep it in my pants.’ You never told me to lie.” He moves toward me, coalescing out of the darkness like a mirage of pale skin and turbulent flashing eyes, and stops barely beyond arm’s reach.
“You’re right. I never asked you to lie.” I shove my hands in my pockets to keep them from seeking him out. “It wasn’t your fault, anyway. Elke was only picking up on what I wasn’t strong enough to hide.”
His lips twitch. “Who knew I was so irresistible?”
I did.
You did when you wore that shirt.
“Does it really matter?” he asks. “Your friend is a dick. From everything you’ve told me, so is your ex. Who cares what they know?”
“It doesn’t really matter.” Elke’s warning lingers, bitter in my throat. “Not to you. You’ll be gone in two months, back to fucking in your own league.”AndI’ll be here, dealing with the fallout of my own weakness.
“My own league? You mean otherkids?” He steps closer, his fists balled at his sides. “So, what? I’m your current charity case? Don’t do me any fucking favors, Byrd.”
My head snaps up, reeling, shocked anew by the insecurities hiding beneath his merciless bravado.
How does he do that? How does he hide his fears so well and then unleash them like a weapon when I’m least prepared?The armor of my own fears is woefully inadequate to withstand him.
“Are you joking?You’rethe one who’s out ofmyleague, Echo. What the hell are you going to want with a washed-up divorcé carrying around a string of failed relationships once you’re off conquering the cirque world?”
“Stop.” His hands reach up to cup my face. “I don’t give a shit about your past relationships.”
“You should.” I close my fingers around his wrists but don’t pull away. Maybe I’ve avoided telling him about Gabriel because Elke is right, and I know this thing between us is temporary. Maybe the best thing now is to come clean and blow it all up before it goes any further.
Ask me why, Echo. I won’t lie to you, but I’m not strong enough to offer it up unasked.
“I’ve never even had a relationship to fuck up until now,” he says instead, running his thumb gently over my mouth like those last two words aren’t crushing me. “And you’re fucking thirty-two, so cut it with the ‘washed up’ crap. I’ve seen you on the rope. If you wanted to get back into it, the only thing stopping you is yourself. Hell, Shilo would hire you in a heartbeat.”
“Even if you’re right, you’re still leaving in August.”
His lips are soclose.
