Page 80 of Billionaire Bachelor
Her voice softens. “Doeshe make you happy? Genuinely happy?”
It’s the easiest question I’ve ever had to answer.
“Happier than I’ve ever been in my life. More than I thought possible.”
“Then that’s all that matters.” I can tell she’s smiling.
For a brief moment, I allow myself to find comfort in her words. I take a few deep breaths, feeling my muscles relax through each exhale.
“Well, the sex matters, too,” she adds, “but based on those photos, I’m assuming you have no trouble in that department. Is he keeping you sexually satisfied, sweetheart? Does he pay attention tomultipleerogenous zones like any self-respecting man should? Because if not, wewillbe having words. How many orgasms does he deliver on average before seeking his own?”
My jaw drops. “Mother!”
“What? They’re valid questions. When did the sex part first happen, by the way? Ooh, I’m sure my listeners would love to hear all about how you two finally got together.”
“I amnotdiscussing my sex life on your podcast, Mom.Ever.In fact, I’m not discussing my sex life with youat all, so get that idea out of your head right now.”
“Fine,” she huffs. “Just give me a rating. Would you say you’re highly satisfied, satisfied, somewhat satisfied, somewhatunsatisfied, or unsatisfied?”
What does she think this is? A customer service survey?
“Boundaries, Mother. We’ve discussed this. Many,manytimes. Youmustrespect them.”
“I didn’t hear a rating,” she singsongs.
Christ on a cracker, I’m going to scream.
“I’m hanging up now, Mom. You can tell Dad, but no one else until we tell Ryan. Good?—”
“Wait, one last thing!”
I bang the back of my head against the headrest. “What?”
“What’s your favorite position together?”
“Oh my god. Mother,stop.”
“Any compatible kinks? What’s the freakiest thing you two have done so far?”
Is it possible to divorce your parents at age twenty-seven? If so, I want in.
“Mom, staaaaahhhhp,” I groan. “Please.”
“Okay, okay. I swear this is the last question. Does he have theequipmentto keep you satisfied? Because I could tell Julian wasn’t up to par, honey. I have a sixth sense about these things, and I don’t want that for you. People can say size doesn’t matter all they want, but who are they kidding? Of course, it matters! Thankfully, I’ve never had to worry about that with your father. If anything, his size may have been a bit intimidating at first…”
I slam my hand on the wheel, accidentally making the horn blare. “STOP.”
“Oh, Rosalie, grow up,” Mom scoffs. “If you’d let me finish, all I was trying to say was, if your brother takes after your dad, which Isuspecthe does based on their similar builds, he’s going to make some womanveryhappy one day.”
This woman is straight-up unhinged. Unhinged, I tell you!
“MOM! Logan islikea son to you, and Ryan is youractualson. And I understand Dad is your husband, but he’smy dad!Their penises should never,everbe a topic of discussion between us!”
She laughs. “Rosalie, how many times do I have to say this? Consensual sex is abeautifulpart of life, and the more open we are to receiving it, the more fulfilled our lives will be. There isnothingshameful about it. If you’re not exploring all there is to offer with an open mind, you’re robbing yourself ofgreat satisfaction.
“Besides, this is what Idofor a living, and I’ve had great success with it. Sex—and sexual organs—are perfectly natural. It’s not like I was asking for pictures or measurements. Believe it or not, Idounderstand where the line is. But if we’re just talking? Very few topics are off-limits.”
“Well, this is one of them,” I argue. “Thistopic is off-limits!”
