Page 137 of If You Claim Me
Growing up, they always wanted me to be more like so-and-so’s son. After my sisters married, they wanted me to be more like Julian and Bryson.
And now here I am, still defiant, still a disappointment, still seeking acceptance where there is none. “What if I don’t know how to love any better than my father?” I feel like I’m running toward a cliff, and what lies at the bottom is an unknown that could ruin me.
Because I’m falling. I’ve fallen already. And I’m afraid of the landing.
Meems reaches across the table and takes my hand. “You love me.”
“It’s a different kind of love.”
Meems is the only person who has accepted me for who I am and doesn’t put her own aspirations on me. Well, Mildred doesn’t push me to be something else, but I don’t know if that’s because our relationship is transactional. Just like my mother is bound to my father for the good of her family, Mildred is bound to me for the good of hers.
But when we’re alone at night, it doesn’t feel transactional. And it didn’t feel that way when we were out with our friends last week. She seemed genuinely happy—not just with them, but with me, too. For the first time in my life, I feel like I fit somewhere, and it’s all because of her. She’s shown me how to make that happen. But if I lose her, then what?
“Different yes, but still valid. All love is important,” Meems says. “You also love Mildred.”
I nod. “I do.”
“And she feels the same way.”
I focus on my plate. Chemistry is not the same as love. “What if I can’t be a better man than my father?”Does Mildred soften me? Am I hardening her?
“You already are a better man. You didn’t marry Dred because she was going to further your career ambitions.”
But I didn’t marry her because I loved her at the time either. I do now, but at the beginning she was the answer to my problem. I used her softness and need against her. I could have just given her the money. She could have posed as my girlfriend for the next year, and wouldn’t that have made Meems happy, too?
Sitting beside her at Callie’s hockey games, watching her love that little girl like she was family made it easy to propose that contract. She came from nothing, had no one, and has managed to weave herself into the hearts of allthese people without effort. Mildred is wholly loved by the people in her life. I wanted that same love for myself. Wanted to know what it felt like to be surrounded by friends who care deeply. And now I have it. I have her. “I worry that I don’t deserve the kind of family Mildred has created for herself.”
“My dear sweet boy.” Meems squeezes my hand. “Mildred isn’t the type of woman who would give her heart to someone who doesn’t deserve it.”
“I know.” The problem is, I took it under false pretenses, and I don’t know how to ask to hold it on my own.
It’s closing in on nine thirty by the time my wife gets home.
She smiles when she sees me lounging on the couch in the library. “Why am I not surprised to find you in here?”
“It’s your favorite place to be.”And if I can’t have you beside me, I spend time in the place you like the most.
She drops onto the couch next to me, and I stretch my arm along the back, hoping she’ll slide into the gap. I’m not disappointed. She tucks herself into my side and checks out the cover of the book I’m reading. “Did you just pick up the first book on the pile?”
“I did. I was flipping through the tabbed chapters.”
“Those are all my favorite parts.”
“So you like the steamy stuff and the heartbreak.”
“It’s the dark moment before they figure out their way back to each other. But I only like it because I know they work it out in the end.”
I want to ask her if she thinks we could work out, but it feels like too much of a risk. I set the book down and press my lips to her temple. “How was game night with Flip?” The tightness inmy chest is ever present when we talk about him. I fear I’ll never be as important to her as he is.
“I kicked his ass, which is not unusual.” She follows the seam on my pants with a fingernail.
“Sounds like there’s a but in there.”
She looks up at me, eyes a little sad. “He’s struggling.”
“Personally or professionally?”
Flip is at the top of his game. He’s having an amazing season. He has the best scoring record on the team, and he’s pushing his way into the top ten in the league. But just because he’s doing well doesn’t mean he feels great about it.
