Page 72 of Rebel Heart
He was being a decent man. Sweet, even. But Iwasn’t convinced he wasn’t still the man who’d claimed he didn’t date to find a wife.
I had to ignore it. For now, anyway.
Shoving those thoughts to the back of my mind, I smiled at him. “You’re welcome, Beau. But I will say this. Brace yourself. Because the minute I’m able to keep my eyes open for a longer stretch of time outside of work, I don’t think I’m ever going to shut up.”
His laughter soothed the small hole in the center of my chest. “I’m looking forward to it.”
19
BEAU
This wasn’twhat I’d envisioned for my life.
Everything about what was happening now was wild. Unbelievable. And if I’d been tasked months ago with guessing where I’d be at this precise moment, I could confirm, without a shred of doubt, that this wouldn’t have been even remotely close to the reality that I came up with.
No.
The idea of me arriving at a woman’s apartment every night when she got home from work just so I could spend time with her, often with her falling asleep in the middle of a conversation, would’ve been laughable months ago.
I would’ve considered the notion a waste of my time, especially if the physical part of the relationship didn’t exist.
Of course, I couldn’t lie to myself now and pretend I didn’t miss that.
I did. Tremendously.
But I couldn’t bring myself to even take small steps toward getting there when Jules was so exhausted. With all that she was sacrificing when it came to her body, I refused to make any additional demands of her, even if I thought of being with her like that often.
This felt a bit surreal. Like I’d fallen asleep and was having the longest, craziest dream, and for some reason I couldn’t explain, I was in no hurry to wake up.
In the quiet moments I had alone at home, either after I’d leave Jules’ apartment every evening or throughout the day when she was at work, I often thought about the immense change I was going through.
Yes, there wasn’t quite anything that could compare to what Jules was enduring, and I’d never attempt to make that comparison. What I could do was look at my life before I met her and what it was now and admit that nothing looked the same.
The wildest part about it was that I was content.
Happy.
When I returned from the demo tour and had made up my mind about pursuing Jules, it hadn’t ever crossed my mind that she’d wind up revealing she was pregnant. I had believed I was going to have time to adjust to the decision, to dip my toe into the romantic relationship waters. That I’d learn how to be a boyfriend and understand what it was like to care about the thoughts and feelings of someone else.
In a way, I guess I was doing that now. But there wasthis added layer—a big one, at that—which couldn’t be ignored.
I wasn’t just going to be a man who’d gotten so caught up in a woman and wanted a shot at something real with her. I was going to be a father. A dad.
In the moments immediately after she’d told me, it hadn’t really sunk in. I was too shocked to really digest it for the immense responsibility it was. All I knew for certain was that I didn’t want to risk not having the chance to be with Jules.
But as the days passed, as I had those moments alone to consider the new trajectory of my life, I realized I had a chance. An opportunity to allow something good to come out of the relationship I’d had with my own family.
All these years, the lesson I’d told myself I’d learned from my parents was that love didn’t exist. Not in its purest form, anyway. But that wasn’t the lesson at all. There was a gift my parents had given me, and that was to teach me who I didn’t want to be. Maybe it took meeting Jules for me to consider the possibilities. And perhaps it was the realization that I was going to be a dad that made it so that I’d never have a way out.
But I’d been honest with her when I said I intended to do right by her. So, I was putting every ounce of effort into being that man, no matter how different it was from the life I’d been leading.
Today, I’d met Jules here at her apartment after she’d called to tell me she was leaving work. She’d gone to take a shower, and I’d decided to make dinner.
This had become part of the routine we’d fallen into.The thought made my lips quirk with a smile. It had been eleven days since I’d come home from tour, and I was now in a routine with the expectant mother of my child. She’d come home from work, and we’d talk about our days while we ate dinner. Sometimes, the conversation would last beyond dinner, and other times, she was simply too tired. So, we’d turn on the television and just enjoy the quiet company of one another for a couple of hours. Then I’d head home for the night and wait until I could do it all over again the next day.
Just as I pulled the chicken out of the oven, Jules had emerged. My eyes landed on her beautiful face, and a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. She’d put on a T-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts that showed off those slender, tanned legs. I thought she looked just as gorgeous as she did the day I took her on a date when she was dressed to the nines. My fingers still ached with the desire to touch those legs.
“It smells so good in here.” Her tone was soft and lazy, like she could curl up on the couch and sleep for hours.
