Page 69 of Rebel Heart
I glanced down at the plate in my lap and felt one half of my mouth quirk. Beau struggled with baking, but he did okay with an actual meal if the eggs, potatoes, and toast in front of me were any indication.
We’d come in from out on the trampoline after I’d managed to pull myself together with his comforting embrace. Having been traveling for two weeks, Beau didn’t have a whole lot that was still good to eat in the refrigerator. But he had some staples—evidently, he’d put two fresh loaves of bread in the freezer before he left—and decided to cook. He hadn’t even asked me if I was hungry, simply decided we were going to eat together as he pulled out the frozen potatoes, bread, and eggs to make a meal.
Returning my attention to him, I shook my head. “Imean, I’m grateful for any meal I don’t have to cook. But I was referring to your reaction.”
“My reaction?”
I nodded, dragging my toast through the runny egg yolk. “I was utterly terrified about telling you that I was pregnant, and for the last week, I’ve agonized over it, knowing you didn’t believe in love. I was worried that you’d start yelling and throw me out, demanding I never speak to you again.”
His expression turned horrified. “Do I seem like the abusive type?”
The question felt like a physical blow to my body, knocking the air from my lungs. “What? No.”
“Believing I could or would yell at you might suggest otherwise.”
When the words came out of my mouth, I hadn’t thought about it like that, but I guess that was precisely what it would have been. “That’s not what I meant to imply, Beau. I just… I was worried you’d be really upset with me when I told you, and the friendship we were building that felt very fragile would be lost.”
We’d sat down on the couch to eat, but Beau and I were close enough that he could reach his hand out to touch me. And that’s precisely what he did, his fingers curling around my forearm. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you took those tests. I’m sorry you sat with this on your own for a week, agonizing over how I’d respond. But I hope that you understand, despite some deeply rooted beliefs I have, that I would never intentionally treat youpoorly. And it’d make me the worst kind of human there is to be upset with you over something that I’m just as responsible for. You didn’t get yourself pregnant, Jules. I know when it happened, and you’re not to blame for any of it. If anything, you should be upset with me for not being more responsible.”
Perhaps, in theory, I could understand his logic. He’d gotten caught up and hadn’t worn a condom, but it wasn’t like I’d been thinking clearly in that moment, either.
“I’m not upset with you.” I sent him a reassuring smile. “Aside from the very real fears I have about all the challenges ahead of us, there’s a big part of me that’s excited. Happy about this baby.”
Beau looked at me like I’d grown three heads. “Really?”
“Yes. I know that probably sounds crazy given the current state of us. What about you? I realize I’ve had a whole week longer to sit with this life-altering news, but now that you’ve had a little bit of time to let it digest, do you feel any differently?”
He removed his hand from my arm and picked up his last bite of toast. He popped it into his mouth and considered my question. “I don’t know if I’ve had enough time for it to leave me feeling differently yet. I’m not sure it’s really hit me at this point, if I’m honest. But there’re a lot of questions I have.”
“Like what? Anything I can answer for you?”
Beau set his empty plate on the coffee table and nodded to mine. “Are you finished?”
“Yes. Thank you.” I held the plate out to him, and he set it down on top of his.
When he sat back on the couch and looked at me, he asked, “How do you feel now that you’ve been able to tell me?”
I released a massive breath, my shoulders dropping with it. “Relieved. God, Beau, I feel so incredibly relieved. Not only that I’m still sitting here with you and that we’re being civil to one another, but also that I’m not carrying the weight of this on my own.”
He smiled at me. “Are you worried at all about your ability to take care of a child?”
I wondered if asking that question was Beau’s way of telling me what terrified him. “Parts of it are scary. Oddly enough, I’m not so concerned about the tactical side of it. The thought of the diapers and feedings and sleepless nights doesn’t bother me. It’s more the worry about how you and I will navigate through this, through being parents.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“Well, it’s not like we’ve taken our time to get to this place,” I said, my tone light and teasing. “Obviously, this wasn’t planned. And I think it’s safe to say I know more about the tactical side of taking care of a baby than I do about who you are. We skipped a whole lot of steps, and I don’t necessarily regret where we are, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe we might find that there are areas of our lives where we clash.”
It was like a lightbulb had switched on. “I see. That makes sense. If it helps, I’ll consider any suggestions youhave about any of this, because I’ve never done this before.”
“I hate to break the news to you, but I haven’t either.”
“I wasn’t referring to the baby, Jules. I was talking about us. Now, more than ever, I think it’s necessary to do whatever we can to give ourselves a fighting chance. I know we’re facing this huge challenge in the midst of that, but I really want to put in the time and effort to build something solid between us.”
My heart melted. Beau claimed he didn’t believe in love, but his words and actions today had proven otherwise. Of course, that didn’t mean I thought he was suddenly madly in love with me, but if he didn’t have that capability, there wasn’t a chance I’d still be sitting here having a conversation with him. “That it was important enough for you to even say that tells me you already know more than you give yourself credit for.”
“I’ll take that as a win.” His eyes dropped toward my stomach, which still didn’t show any noticeable changes. “When it comes to the pregnancy, I want to be involved. If you’re okay with it, I would like to go to the doctor’s appointments with you.”
I blinked in surprise. “Really?”
