Page 68 of Rebel Heart
I waited, enjoying what might have been the final moments of civility I’d have with him.
I waited, hoping for the best while preparing myself for the worst.
And finally, Beau’s gaze met mine. “For a few days now, I had this homecoming all worked out in my mind. And when I showed up here and saw your car in the driveway while you were relaxing here on the trampoline, I thought to myself that everything I imagined about how my plan to tell you things had changed for me would go down between us was suddenly going to be even betterthan I thought. Not for one second did I imagine you responding with anything other than pure joy. Maybe that was overconfidence on my part, maybe I was a fool, but I guess I didn’t want to consider the alternative. What you just shared with me is not at all what I expected. It’s certainly not what I envisioned would happen when I saw you again.”
That made two of us.
As I laid on my back while I waited for him to get home, I expected surprise at seeing me when he arrived followed by questions about what I was doing here. It never crossed my mind that he’d wind up telling me everything I’d wanted to hear from him for weeks. I wanted to feel happy about it, but I had to stop myself. It stung that I couldn’t have a genuine reaction to finally hearing those words and knowing he wanted to try with me. Knowing that Beau had so many reservations about simply being in a relationship, I wasn’t foolish enough to believe that he’d accept the news of my pregnancy and his impending fatherhood like it was no big deal.
It was a huge effort to swallow past the lump that had formed in my throat. “I’m sorry for ruining what you had planned for us, Beau. I hate that I can’t even relax enough about this to be able to respond to what you said in the way I want to. But I’m scared, and I don’t want to give myself false hope. I want what you came here telling me you wanted. God, I want that more than anything. But I understand that I just dropped a bomb on you. And again, I’m sorry for ruining what should have been a joyous moment. You deserved the respect and decency ofthe truth instead of having me pretend that this isn’t my reality now.”
Beau’s brow furrowed, his eyes narrowing, but he didn’t say anything.
I remained silent for a bit, thinking he needed to sort through his thoughts before he could speak. But when too much time passed, I decided to give him a temporary reprieve.
“Look, I sat on my bathroom floor for a very long time after I got those positive tests. It was only your phone call that evening that pulled me out of that fog of disbelief. If there’s one thing I can say, it’s that while I hoped for something different coming here and sharing this news, I didn’t expect any decisions to be made right away. I can go now, and you can take some time to process this news. Whenever you’re ready, we can get together and talk about it. I suspect we still have quite a bit of time to figure things out.”
Beau continued to study me, his expression giving me no indication of what was happening inside his head.
I pulled my hand from his and was about to get up when I decided to give him one more piece of information. “You shared something just as tremendous as I did today. I don’t need time to decide how I feel about that. I want us to have a shot at something special. I’m thrilled at the possibility. But I think, given what I shared, you need to consider if that’s still how you feel. Because as much as I want to be selfish, this isn’t about me and what I want anymore. It’s about this life that’s growing inside me. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be waiting.”
I gave Beau one last long look before I shifted from my seated position and moved to get off the trampoline. But I didn’t get very far before Beau’s fingers curled gently around my wrist. My stunned eyes shot to his, silently questioning him.
“It’s our reality.”
“What?”
His throat moved with a deep swallow. “Before, you said that you shared the news of your pregnancy with me because you didn’t want to pretend that this wasn’t your reality now. I’m telling you that this isourreality.”
My lips parted, and my heart pounded wildly. “Are you… What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I think we need to figure this out.”
I nodded. “Yes. I was going to leave to give you time to consider what you want.”
He tugged lightly on my wrist. “What I want is for you to stay here right now. I don’t want you to go. I don’t have the slightest clue about what’s in store for either of us, but I know that I’m not going to be the guy who lets you walk off to figure it out on your own. I’m not going to be the kind of father my father was and pretend like my child doesn’t exist. This absolutely wasn’t part of my plan. And I’m not sure I’ve ever been more terrified about anything in my life. But if I feel so lost and confused and scared about it, I can only imagine the fear you must be feeling.”
Beau urged me closer to him, released my wrist, and framed my face with his hands. Tears filled my eyes, and it was like time had stopped for me. Had I beenright about him all along? Was he really the decent guy I suspected him to be from the beginning?
Leaning close, Beau’s eyes drifted shut for a moment, and he inhaled. Then he looked me square in the eyes and said, “I want you to stay here, so we can figure this out together. Because, for all the things I don’t know about what lies ahead, the one thing I do know is that this isn’t something you’re meant to face on your own. We’ll do this together, Jules. We might not get it all right, it’s probably going to be messy, and we’re certainly going to make mistakes, but at least we don’t have to do it alone.”
I couldn’t do it.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hold back the sob that crawled up my throat. I burst into tears with such immense relief, and Beau, to his credit, gave me precisely what I needed without me even needing to ask for it.
He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me.
And as I sat there sobbing against his chest, my body settled in his lap, I realized he didn’t give himself enough credit. Beau might have thought he didn’t know what he was doing or that he’d make a lot of mistakes, but the way he handled me and this news was far better than I expected.
It was that realization that gave me the first twinge of hope I’d had in a week that everything was going to be okay as long as I had him by my side.
18
JULES
“Thank you.”
Beau looked over at me. “For the food?”
