Page 46 of Rebel Heart
You’re welcome, Beau.
And that was it.
There was nothing left to say.
All I could do was wait until she sent over a recipe and hope that it led to some additional conversation.
The next hour dragged on.
So did the next.
It was thirty minutes after that when I finally got a text from Jules with the recipe, along with an apology about the delay and a request to let her know how I made out with it. But there was no additional conversation beyond that.
I hated it.
And I was left wondering if perhaps Jamie was right. Was it possible I felt something more than just guilt over what I’d done to Jules, something that went far beyond the friendship that I claimed was all I wanted?
12
JULES
“Are you okay?”
Believing Serena had gotten hurt, I looked up to see both of my employees with their gazes fixed on me instead of working on prepping all the baked goods we needed to for the day ahead. “You’re asking me?”
Neither of them was remotely concerned about the work we had to do, and it was Birdie who replied, “Yes, we’re asking you.”
“I’m fine. Why?”
Serena cut in. “You’re gorgeous, Jules. Always. But you look like you haven’t slept in days.”
I could admit that I certainly felt like that had been the case. Of course, it was all my own doing. “Yeah, I’m not surprised. Things have been a bit busy for me lately. I can’t remember the last time I went home after work and stayed there until it was time to come back here again.”
Relieved that there wasn’t something to be majorlyconcerned about, Serena and Birdie both got back to the task at hand, preparing the treats. Serena said, “Oh, it sounds like you’ve been having a lot of fun. Anything particularly exciting going on?”
I shrugged. “Some of it. I’ve spent more time than is reasonable at Cooper and Skye’s place, visiting with them and my nieces. I’ve wanted to make sure Rosie feels just as special as always, even though I know her parents are doing everything they can to include her in all that’s going on with the new baby. Plus, I sneak in some of my own cuddling time with Lily, too, which gives Rosie time alone with her mom and dad. And sometimes, when I’m done there, I’ll head over to Wyatt and Rhea’s, so I can visit with baby Jack. When I’m not at either one of those spots, I’ve been spending as much time as I can with Ivy. I just want to be the most supportive sister I can be to her throughout her first pregnancy.”
“I hope you know that you’re the best human on this planet, Jules,” Birdie declared.
Smiling, I dropped my gaze to the trays in front of me and continued frosting the cupcakes. “Oh, I think anyone would do the same things if they found themselves in my shoes.”
I decided not to give my friends the full truth about why I appeared to be so tired. Because, while I had been spending a lot of time with my family, it wasn’t all that I was doing.
Going home alone every night meant that I spent far too much time thinking about things I didn’t want to be thinking about.
So, I’d been going out. I went into town and spent time at a pub, dancing and enjoying myself. It gave me a distraction and something else, something that numbed the pain of learning how wrong I’d been about Beau.
It didn’t bother me to go out alone, either. What did bug me was that I needed the distraction at all, that I felt the need to prove something to myself about who I was as a woman.
Sure, I came home exhausted every night and was able to collapse in my bed without needing to think about my bad decisions or wondering about what could have been. God, I felt crazy for thinking about that, considering I hadn’t spent years or even months with Beau. It was a matter of a couple of weeks, a handful of dates. It shouldn’t have mattered at all. I should have just moved on. But what happened with him had shaken my faith in myself and my instincts.
I had considered calling Ava or Layla and asking them to join me when I went out, knowing that neither one of them would’ve turned me down. But I didn’t want to have to spend the time defending my reasons for wanting to entertain myself.
Of course, after my birthday party, they all knew what had happened with Beau. I’d done my best to assure them I was going to be fine, no matter what happened. The bigger problem was that both Ava and Layla wanted to see me try to figure things out with Beau, to give him that chance. And I didn’t want the pressure from them when I wasn’t sure I was interested in taking that chance again.
Until he’d sent that text about his attempt at baking cookies two days ago. With the exception of the birthday wishes, it was the first since everything came to light between us and went south that I felt like Beau was seeing me as more than just someone to call when he wanted a good time.
I was still punishing myself for having been so bold with him right from the start. I’d learned my lesson, and I didn’t want to repeat it.
