Page 127 of Coldwire
I’m heaving for breath once my words scatter into the rain. And in the hazy dark, with only the headlights of the bus for any illumination, Kieren stays quiet. Which is all he needs to say to confirm everything.
“I’m going to be sick,” I mutter.
“I didn’t know,” he says faintly. “I couldn’t have imagined how severe their accusations were. I assumed there was a memory you were keeping to yourself. A passkey that Chung gave you in your childhood. Something minor that warrants negotiation with NileCorp, not your father being pinned for treason.”
“Why did your brief say NileCorp decided to proceed afterreceiving your submissions?” My demands are hoarse. I hardly recognize my own voice. “What have you been sending them?”
Kieren looks down.
“Footage,” he whispers. “Your access into the Upsie office. Your reaction to your dad’s email.”
The betrayal shears away every bit of affinity I had for him.
“All while you were telling me that you think NileCorp took away your dad,” I hiss, “you were also jumping when he saidjump, spying when he saidgive NileCorp what they need to punish Lia.” I want to scream. I want to tear into my rib cage and pull out my heart to inspect how it must beshriveling. “I trusted you. I thought we were working toward the same thing.”
“Weare.” Kieren drags his hands through his hair. Water splatters on either side of him when his arms lower again. He’s getting more and more drenched by the minute. “I have no love for NileCorp. I’m not their loyal soldier just waiting for them to lift me out of obscurity after a good performance. All this time I have stayed obedient among their cadet ranks so that they’ll give me some leniency. All I’ve wanted is to get out of their scrutiny and prove that they brainwashed my father. I was trying to use my bargaining tools carefully.”
“Is that what I am?” I fire back. “A bargaining tool?”
“No!” Kieren exclaims. “You’re not—it’s not—” He stops. “At first it wasn’t so different from being at the academy. Keeping an eye on you for a leg up was just another way to win extra points. Then it turned into this. I was trying to figure out how to tell you. How to fix it. I’m sorry.”
Kieren suddenly steps out of the rain, into the shelter. He’s imploring me to look at him, meet his eyes, but I stay where I am, my arms wrapped tightly around my middle to the point of pain.
“Your trust isn’t wasted,” he says quietly. “I’m closer to your side than theirs.”
“When have we ever been on the same side?”
I’m saying it to hurt him more than I actually believe it. We’ve been on the same side since our atoms burst into the universe. There is no logic in a world where we possess different instincts. We have been completing the same thought back and forth since the moment we met. We’ll continue doing it until we run out of ways to rearrange our tie.
“Then.” Kieren takes another step forward. “Now. Always. Competing with you is supposed to make the both of us better. I thought that was what this was. Youhavemade me better, year after year, and I won’t accept an alternative where that’s not true anymore. No matter what NileCorp wants.”
My eyes finally snap up, locking Kieren in place. He’s come close enough that I could reach forward and touch his shoulder. His face, freckled with rain.
“I just want to know,” I intone, “when you agreed to this posting, did your dad promise valedictorian to you?”
What else could justify it? What else but the title we want the most?
Kieren wilts. He says, “I didn’t think this would be the exchange.”
My world collapses.
I have always understood how my would-be employer operates. NileCorp doesn’t care who it upsets because its forces are detachable fragments. If there’s conflict with Medaluo in its territories, NileCorp claims it was a few rogue soldiers defying their station. If relations are turning rough with Cega, NileCorp insists it was a unit ignoring orders and going behind a superior’s back. NileCorp is the hand that pulls the world in line for whatever Atahua wants to do. NileCorp is the armor that absorbs damage from Atahua’s enemies, able to be blamed at every moment because we are expendable as its little pieces. We exist to be burned through and discarded. In my years at the academy, I accepted this.
Yet I still thought there would be some sense of honor. That maybe I could be valued for my hard work.
“I wonder,” I say mildly, “if they ever even considered giving it to me.”
“I’m not going to let you be dragged down by any of this,” Kieren promises. “We’ll find out what happened to Chung. We’ll resolve what involvement your dad has. You’ll still get a good posting when this is all over. Your scores are still perfect. Your recommendation letters are all in. They can’t take that away.”
“Kieren,” I say. “None of this is going to be resolved.” I breathe out. My eyes are so tired. They flutter closed for a brief moment, and tears fill the corners, trying to relieve the stinging sensation. I open my eyes promptly, lest they gather. No Medan has been the academy valedictorian in recent history. There are only Atahuan faces on the photo boards. “The postingwill end, and my scores won’t be enough. Recommendation letters won’t be enough. If I can’t choose my post, NileCorp would never place me in Melnova to stay close to my dad. I’ll be shoved where foreign faces are needed. I’ll be posted on security, put in the teams sent into the line of fire.”
It’s not a hypothetical any longer. This is what waits for me.
NileCorp was never going to let me have anything else.
“I just want to be Atahuan,” I rasp. “I want to be respected. I want to be more than the enemy’s face.” The rain falls, and it falls, and it falls, and I am no less transient than the rivulets. “I suppose it doesn’t matter now. They’re going to charge my dad with treason.”
“Lia.”
