Page 45 of A Queen's Match
“Do you think that there is anything in all of creation that God doesn’t touch?” Alix demanded. “Are you somehow the one single thing that exists outside His power?”
“No, of course not,” Ernie mumbled.
“Well then, God made you this way.Hegave you these feelings. Therefore, they cannot be wrong,” Alix said firmly.
Her hand lay atop the scalloped edge of the coverlet; Ernie reached for it, giving her a fierce squeeze. “Thank you.”
Alix saw that he was close to tears, and looked away so that she wouldn’t start crying, too. She couldn’t bear to weep any more today.
“Can I ask…you and Johann…?”
“I love him.” Ernie’s reply was almost a whisper.
“When did it begin?”
“Last winter.”
“Was he the first…?”
“There was a groom once.” Ernie let go of her hand, pulling a pillow into his lap to play with the fringe. “Alix, I have always known that I am different. Standing in the gentlemen’s lounge at the opera or the races, hearing the way the other men talk about women…I think I was twelve when I realized that I was not like them.”
She thought of what Ernie had said all those months ago in Darmstadt, when she was upset about Nicholas:I know how hard it is.He did know what it meant to love someone you couldn’t be with.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
Ernie stared out the window. “I promise that I have been discreet. I know what damage it would cause our family, youin particular, if this came out. It would ruin your marriage prospects.”
“You think I care about that?” Alix asked. “All I care about isyou,Ernie. I want you to be happy. And it’s not as if you can go ask Grandmother for her blessing in marrying Johann.”
“Unfortunately not.” Ernie hesitated, then added, “Johann is nowhere near noble enough. Not even a baron, and Grannie would insist upon a duke at the very least.”
He hadjokedabout it. Alix was startled into a smile, but it quickly faded. “What will you do, since you cannot have Johann? Will you marry Maud?”
“It doesn’t seem fair to marry Maud, or any woman, really. It feels deceptive, don’t you think?” Ernie sat back with a sigh. “I suppose I’ll just keep putting Grannie off for as long as possible. Maybe now that Eddy and May are engaged, she’ll ease off on the rest of us for a bit.”
Alix was silent at that. Ernie noticed and shifted, glancing over. “You’re clearly upset about more than just Eddy’s engagement. Did something happen with Nicholas?”
She decided to tell him. She skated over the details of the previous night, but she didn’t hide that Nicholas had visited her in secret; she imagined Ernie could fill in the blanks just fine. Then Alix told him about the moment between Hélène and Nicholas on the yacht, how she had seen it and realized the hopelessness of her own situation with Nicholas.
“Alix. Are you sure?” Ernie asked slowly.
“I can’t keep doing this, hiding my love, turning it into an awful, shameful secret—” Alix broke off, cringing. “I’m sorry. That was heartless of me, given what you and Johann are going through. It’s far worse for you.”
“I know what you meant,” he assured her. “It is indeed awful—all the sneaking around, the lies, the stolen moments. Johann and I have kept our love a secret, but only because we have no other choice. You do.”
“Are you saying I should fight for Nicholas?” she asked. “Because we’ve tried that, and his parents never budged.”
“I meant that you can give him up, as you already did.” Ernie’s voice was infinitely gentle as he added, “I know it feels impossible, but you might love someone else someday, and marry that person. And it wouldn’t be a lie. Unlike my marriage to any woman on this earth.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that Nicholas and I are as hopeless as you and Johann,” Alix murmured. Because, of course, Ernie’s situation was far worse. At least she could tell people that she loved Nicholas without them calling her a sinner.
Ernie tossed a pillow at her. “It’s not a contest in suffering, Alix. We both love men who are forbidden to us, for one reason or another.”
A clock chimed in the hallway. The wind was still howling outside, whistling down the grate of Ernie’s fireplace. Alix tipped her head onto her brother’s shoulder. She still felt the pain of losing Nicholas, like a shard of ice wedged in her chest, freezing her and slicing her all at once. But talking to Ernie had melted the ice, just a little.
After a while, Alix blurted out, “Which groom?”
“Hmm?” Ernie asked drowsily.
