Page 56 of The Fangirl Project
Could this be what Jake and I need, to break the ice and move our relationship from friendly to romantic at last? A kiss in a game of Spin the Bottle, stepping away from the party to get a quiet moment of fresh air together, sitting on a stoop outside a door, huddled close against the cold?
“Sounds brilliant,” I say, my voice cracking only a little. I force my smile wider to make up for it.
“You could stay in Gin’s room, if you want. She’s not coming home for reading week, so it’ll be empty.”
“Oh! Um…”
A sleepover at Jake’s? Yes! No? Yes. I don’t…
“Maybe! I’ll see.”
“And you could bring some of the girls from St.David’s, if you wanted? The more the merrier! It’ll be a lot of Colleg Carreg lads anyway…And I mean, I sort of already know Evie, so that wouldn’t be weird, would it?”
Immediately, I’m torn. I’d love for the girls to meet Jake and really get the measure of us together, tell me if they think wedohave chemistry or if it’s all in my head, and I think it’d earn mesome brownie points as a friend to be inviting them to a party, which definitely can’t hurt.
But if they meet Jake, they’ll meet Max, and Max is…
Well, he wears his fandom on his sleeve.
Or around his neck…literally.Even under his soccer jersey, he has on that rope-chain necklace he wears with his Moonwalker cosplay. With Max, there’d be no escaping the boys’ love forOf Wrath and Rune—or mine.
And I’m just still not ready for that to be a firm, cemented part of my personality. The girls were kind of judgmental about Comic Con—would they cut me out altogether if they found out I was one of the nerds who had a fun time there? And didn’t just go for a guy’s sake?
Jake smiles at me, expectant,waiting,and I glance past him to Max, who’s watching me closely like I’m bound to say the wrong thing, and—
Then it hits me.
“You know what?” I tell Jake smoothly. “I knowexactlywho toinvite.”
20
On Monday at lunchtime, Ifind Anissa in our art classroom.
She’s wearing earphones, but her eyes flicker toward the door when I come in, and she brightens, smiling as she takes one out.“Hi.”
“Hey.” I head straight for her, my preplanned speech forgotten when I notice what she’s working on. It’s a charcoal scene of a stormy coastline, and even though it’s not quite finished yet, it’svisceral.The rage of howling winds and lashing rain is so strong that it hits me like a punch in the gut.
“Whoa. That’s…that’s…”
Anissa waits for my verdict, and a trickle of shame slides down my spine, making me squirm.
Art is a way for me to express my emotions, sometimes; an outlet, a way to help me process something I can’t quite put into words even to myself yet. Seeing the emotion Anissa’s poured into her drawing—and how pleasantly surprised she looked to see me just now…
I feel bad. I feel so, so terrible.
“That’s really good,” I manage at last, and she beams. Her smile makes herglow,like Jake’s does, but this time instead of making me want to smile back, I just want the ground to swallow me whole.
I don’t think I’ve ever been mean to Anissa. We’ve never talked enough for that, and certainly never spent enough time together for me to have actively shunned her or anything.
But I also realize in this moment that I’ve never beenniceto her, either, and I’ve been as judgmental toward her over the years as Max has been of me since I first met him. We talk daily in the Discord since I introduced her to it, and I enjoy those conversations; but I know that I haven’t been a good friend to her.
That’s also when I realize: Anissaismy friend.
Maybe she might have been all along, if I had ever given her a chance. Jake would’ve gotten on with her really well if they’d ever hung out at school, especially with their shared love forOWAR.
I think about how alone she always is—how lonely that must be. I wonder ifanybody’sever given her much of a chance.
Maybe I’d know these things, if I were a better friend.
