Page 97 of The Fangirl Project
I don’t knowwhatI am.
I don’t think I know anything at all anymore.
So I do what, apparently, I do best in this sort of situation when faced with a mess of my own making: I get the hell out of there.
32
“Cerys!”
I’m hyperventilating. I don’t even know who’s shouting my name. I stumble out onto the damp cobblestone street, lungs clawing down thin scraps of cold air through the vise locked around them, and I keel forward, hands on my thighs, trying to make the world stop spinning, or falling apart, or whatever it’s doing.
It’s not Jake. It wasn’t Jake.
The kiss—that kiss—Max…
And Anissa, mentioning Runic, and I assumed she meant Jake becausetheywere always talking and hanging out, and why shouldn’t it be Jake?
I’m mentally scrolling back through months’ worth of conversations in the Discord, all the things we talked about—Max and I—and suddenly so much else starts to make sense. Why “Jake” didn’t invite me over to watch the season finale, why he ghosted me after I asked him to forget about the kiss because—God, no, I askedMaxto forget about the kiss, not Jake, I said,“Friends?”witha goddamnsmiley face—no wonder he didn’t want to talk to me after that!
I have been themostcolossal idiot.
I haul down another sharp breath, the cold slicing through me, blade-sharp, and straighten up. People are looking, staring, but for once, I don’t care.
“Cerys,” says the voice again, and when I turn, it’s Jake.
His hair is damp, and there’s rain spotted on his glasses. It patters down around us; my own face is wet with it, too. I hadn’t even noticed.
It’s exactly as it should be. A movie-worthy scene.
“I thought it was you,” I say, not sure how to explain, how much to explain, what’s going on. “You sent me a link to the Discord, and I joined, and you started messaging me—or—or Max did, and I thought…All this time, I thought I was talking to you, and when you wouldn’t text me back, we were still talking there, so…and…”
There’s just one huge, vital missing puzzle piece I don’t understand.
My face crumples, and my voice is thick through the lump in my throat. “Where did you go, Jake? You’ve been acting weird with me since school started. I thought the Worlds Beyond con, all theOWARstuff—I thought that’d get us back on track. And then after the party—after…you just disappeared on me. You’re my best friend, and youvanished.I thought you’d forgiven me, and we were okay when we were talking again in the Discord after New Year’s, but—it wasn’t you, and…Maybe we aren’t okay? I don’tunderstand.”
Jake’s chest heaves, and his mouth twists into a thin line.
“You were so upset when you caught me kissing Max at the party,” I press. “You said, ‘How could you?’ and I thought…I’d had this unrequited crush on you for ages, and then I assumed from your reaction that maybe itwasn’tso one-sided but that I’d ruined my chance. I thought I broke your heart, or something, which was ridiculous when I thought I was falling in love with you, too,and—”
“I didn’t have a crush on you, Cerys.”
“Well—well, that’s fine, that’s—” Actuallynotthe soul-destroying blow it should be, but I don’t have time to think about that right now. “But then I don’t understand why—”
“I didn’t have a crush onyou,Cerys,” he says again, but this time, I hear it.
Oh.
Oh.
“But—but you—you…” I blink; the rain is making my mascara run, and my eyelashes are sticking together.
And a few more things slot into place. Jake never showing much interest in dating anybody, not being obsessed with kissing a girl he liked at a party the way some of the other guys we were friends with were. I just thought hegenerallywasn’t bothered, or—or was being mature, or something.How could you?he’d said at the party.You don’t even like him.
But Jake did. Jake liked Max.
“You never told me,” I say, because it’s all I can say. “I thought I was your best friend, I—did I…”Did I do something, to make you think you couldn’t tell me?But that’s not fair, I can’t make this aboutme. This isn’t like Chloe revealing to Daphne that she’s secretly a semi-successful Twitch streamer andPokémonaficionado.
“I didn’t know,” he says. He shrugs one shoulder, then sways awkwardly, and holds a hand over his eyes to shield them from the drizzle. It’s getting heavier. “I mean, you know, I thought…I thought everyone else looked at people—at guys—and were like, ‘He looks really good’ or ‘That’s kind of hot.’ I didn’t think itmeantanything. But then I got to know Max, we started hanging out a lot, and…I just wanted to see him all the time. I thought about him all the time. And you’ve had me watch enough rom-coms over the years that I just realized one day,shit,I’ve got a crush on my friend.”
