Page 70 of The Dolce Vita Divas
‘Knew what?’ I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t getting this horribly wrong.
‘That I loved her. That I was glad I had married her. But what was between us, between you and me, that had always been something different.’
My mind wrestled with this. Of course they had loved each other. In a way it would have been easier if he has said their marriage was a disaster, but obviously it hadn’t been. Anyone who ever saw them together had accepted that. They had been a gloriously good-looking couple, with a certain glamour about them. All of us, all our friends had accepted that they were going to be together forever. She was so perfect for him.
Paulo and I had been a fiery, fleeting friendship. Something very different and surely not something that would last or bring him the sort of contentment he had found with Ellen.
And my marriage to Greg. That too had been a relationship of – of what? One where we settled for each other and the life we had led. Not blissfully happy, but enough.
At that moment, it seemed a dull, unsatisfactory word.
But perhaps that was what most people did – settled for enough?
Was that what my life had been all about?
I felt a sudden unexpected surge of despair. We all had one life, and I could see only too clearly that I, like many other women, had changed and adapted, had accepted a life of predictability. I was the one who was the homemaker, the carer, the appeaser, the one who put up with things. Peace at any price.
I was sixty-five. I might have just a few years left; I might have many. The one thing I was sure of was that I wasn’t going to settle for ‘enough’ any more.
‘What a fool I have been,’ I said.
‘What?’ he said, turning to look at me.
I didn’t think I realised I had spoken those words out loud, but now they were out there, I felt a new sort of bravado.
I didn’t quite know how, but I was going to change things.
While I still had my health and strength I was going to enjoy my life. Barely an hour had gone by since I had arrived here when I had not wondered what Alex was up to, how Jess was dealing with Maud’s new tantrums, if Kat had recovered from her cold. I was not going to carry on the way I had since my marriage broke up. Constantly focused on everyone else. I was going to – frightening phrase – please myself.
‘I think I loved you for years,’ I said. I had a sudden mental image of Juliette giving me an enthusiastic thumbs up. ‘With Greg it was more of a partnership. With you it was something else, something I haven’t felt since.’
‘We were very young. What were you? Nineteen? Twenty? That’s no age to settle down with the first man who falls in love with you.’
I was silent then, turning his words around in my head.
‘You fell in love with me?’
He raised his eyebrows as though the question surprised him.
‘Of course. You were special, not like anyone else. Your friendship meant everything to me. I tried not to feel that way but I couldn’t help it. You were so passionate about everything. So sure of yourself.’
‘Trust me, I wasn’t. I didn’t feel that at the time,’ I said.
‘But you were. It was all a part of you. All those arguments we had, the way your eyes sparkled, the way you teased me. The way you never took me seriously. I enjoyed it all. You made me laugh at life, feel alive.’
Somewhere in the garden someone laughed, and another voice called a greeting.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I said.
He took hold of my hand.
‘You don’t need to say anything,’ he said.
‘I always say something,’ I said. ‘I never did learn to shut up.’
‘Which, believe me, is so refreshing. It may sound a good thing, but it’s hard to live without discussion or disagreement. Maybe I am just a product of my family. You have seen how we love to quarrel about the silliest things.’
I sat there, enjoying the feeling of his hand in mine, wondering what twist of fate had brought me to be in this place at this time with this man. It was the last thing I had expected. I was, by anyone’s standards, too old for this sort of nonsense.
