Page 141 of A Love That Broke Us
Leo tilts his head. “And did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Did you tell your mum to leave?”
“No,” I say quietly. “I selfishly just wanted my dad to get better. I never wanted him gone. Even though I hated him half the time…” I pause, picking at my cuticles, sitting in the discomfort of my thoughts—of my reality. “But I also swore I’d never end up in a marriage like my mom’s.”
Leo nods, letting that sit for a moment before he responds. “Look, ultimately I think it’s important to trust your gut. Follow your instinct.It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to give up on Jensen, or your marriage right now. You’ll know when your time is up. Even if it’s not today. But I also think it’s smart to have a plan, even just a loose one. Give yourself a timeline. Otherwise, you might find yourself ten years down the road, stuck in something you swore you’d never live through, just like your mum.” He pauses, thinking. “Maybe you could… try some automatic writing. Write a letter to yourself. Say everything you’re feeling right now, what you’d want your future self to hear when things are hard. Be honest. Seal it up, and pick a date to open it, no matter where you are by then. You might be surprised by what you needed to hear.”
I nod slowly, considering it. “Yeah… that’s a good idea. I could do that.”
It’s quiet for a moment as I process everything we’ve talked about. It doesn’t feel right to leave. Not yet. Not today. No matter what anyone else says or thinks.
I know this could be a long road. I know some people never get better. But I’ve seen miracles happen, too. And even though this feels like a nightmare, it hasn’t been enough time to throw in the towel.
“I know you can’t tell me what you think is best, but…” I pause. “What would you tell Vivian? Or Chloe?”
His eyes sparkle with amusement, a soft chuckle slipping between his lips. “Ah, the oldask me what you should do without asking me what you should do.” He shakes his head. “I can’t tell you that. One, it’s irrelevant. Vivian is my wife, so for her to be in this situation, I’d have to be the one putting her there. And two, even if Chloe was alive, I’d be looking at it from a brother’s perspective. It’s different. It’s easy to pass judgment from the outside and say,Yeah, I think you should leave,because I care about you more than I care about Jensen.” He pauses, then looks at me, honest and raw. “But I’ll tell you this… if it was Vivian in Jensen’s shoes? Ifshewas the addict?” He exhales hard. “Fuck. I’d walk through fire for her. Fight like hell before I gave up. I’d probably destroy my entire soul trying to save her.”
A bitter smile pulls at the corner of his mouth. “And I don’t know if that makes me fucking stupid… or a hero.”
I hold his gaze for what feels like minutesbefore finally saying, “Thank you for saying that, Leo.” Because I’ve never felt more seen, more understood for staying, than I do right now.
He gives me a soft smile. “It’s only the truth, love… And Alley?”
“Yeah?”
“You always have a place here. Should you ever need it.”
I pausethe show I’m only half-watching—Dead to Me, too emotional to sit through another story about grief. I can’t focus.
Hugging my knees to my chest, I stare blankly at the TV in the dark of Leo’s guest room. I do feel better—if only a little. Getting my truth out. Being able to speak my deepest, darkest thoughts out loud. Admitting what I’d been too ashamed to say, and not being judged for it.
Leo’s confession of what he’d do if it were Vivian? That hit hard. He’s one of the most logical, emotionally intelligent, reasonable people I know. Hearing someone like him say he’d destroy his entire soul to save the person he loves? It shook me.
I feel that too. Jensen would do the same for me. I know he would. The Jensen I fell in love with would move mountains. He’d go full-on Moses and part the red fucking sea for me. That’s what makes this so hard. I know he’s still in there, buried under the addiction and the chaos—drowning beneath the surface—and I’m the one holding the life jacket.
Talking to Leo didn’t fix anything, but it helped… more than I thought it would.
This is just what I needed. Aside from Al-Anon, it’s been the most helpful thing I’ve done for myself. Al-Anon’s been great too. I don’t make it every week, but almost. It’s been the only place, besides here, where I don’t feel alone. Where I don’t feel crazy. Where other people get it.
I’ve connected with another wife in a similar situation. Her name’s Jenna. She’s a couple years younger than me, but her husband was in the military. He came home and somehow wound up right where Jensen is.
There’s nothing more validating than meeting someone who understands. Someone who’s been there. Someone who can relate.
I’ve finally told Scarlett. But her and Zach? They love Jensen, but they’ll always be team Alley. And while I appreciate that, they don’t really get it. They tell me I should leave all the time.
That’s why Leo’s words hit even harder. He’s team Alley, but he still found a way to relate and make me feel seen—to validate why I’ve stayed.
I open my messages and re-read the last few exchanges between Jensen and me.
Jensen
I’m sorry, babe. I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know why I didn’t stop you. I love you.
Please come back. I know I’m a fuck-up, but please don’t leave me.
Those were from late last night. I didn’t respond until a few hours ago, after I spoke to Leo.
