Page 140 of A Love That Broke Us
He nods with a sad smile. “Oh, I know exactly what you mean.”
“I used to be so excited to see him at the end of the workday.” I wipe at my nose with a tissue. “Sometimes I think it would be easier if he were cheating on me, or hurting me. If he made me hate him. At least then I’d have a reason to walk away that made sense to everyone, including me.”
Leo stays silent, letting me speak.
“But this?” I gesture helplessly. “He’s sick. He didn’t ask for this. And I keep telling myself I can’t leave someone in their worst moment. I can’t abandon him the way my dad abandoned my mom when she was dying… You know what I thought the other day?” I pause, debating whether I should say it out loud.
Leo gestures for me to go on, and somehow, I know he won’t judge me.
“I actually thought to myself… I wish I’d just get a call that he overdosed, so I wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore. I wouldn’t have a choice. I could still love him… and not have to leave him.” A sob bursts out of me, and I shake my head. “God, what kind of person thinks that? It’s so selfish.” I try to breathe through it the best I can. “I don’t really want that. I would never want that. I love him so much. I just… it’s so hard.”
Leo’s voice stays calm and steady. “You’re not awful, Alley. You’re human. And the mind does some pretty crazy shit to protect us. It’s normal to think that, considering what you’re dealing with. It’s not Jensen you want gone, it’s the addict inside him. You want him back. You love him. That’s obvious. Don’t beat yourself up.”
I cry so hard now I can’t even look at him. I can’t speak. I can’t do anything but cry.
And I’m sotiredof crying.
I nod. I know he’s right, but it doesn’t make me feel better. Those thoughts… they’re part of what I hate most about this. They’re not me. The good in me feels lost, buried somewhere deep inside. The part that used to trust easily, forgive quickly, and see the best in people—that part of me is gone.
Now I’m the cynical wife who wishes her addict husband wouldn’t come home, just so I don’t have to deal with all his problems anymore. It’s such a mess—a mess that’s spilled into every part of our lives and touched everyone around us. Everything Jensen touches is affected by his addiction.
Leo lets me cry for a while before he speaks again. “Have you thought about what staying would look like?”
“Yes.”
“And what does that look like?” he nudges, patient as ever.
“It looks like hell… if he doesn’t get clean.” I pause. “And hard if he does.” I grab another tissue from the box Leo set out earlier, my pile embarrassingly high. “But eventually, I know we’d find our way back. Maybe we’d even be stronger. Better. Is it ignorant of me to think that?”
Leo frowns. “Not at all. That actually sounds realistic. You’re not denying it’ll be hard. You’re not romanticizing it either.” He hesitates this time. “And what would it look like if you left?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “I don’t know. I can’t get past the part where I’d have nowhere to live.” I open my eyes again, my voice small. “And even when I do picture myself moving out, I don’t see myself any happier than I am now. It looks like hell too. Hard. Sad.” I pause. “Lonely.”
“You’re right. It probably would look like that… for a while,” he says quietly. “But time’s the one thing that always passes. That’s guaranteed. And with it, things get easier. Not right away, but eventually.” He pauses, watching me carefully. “You’d figure it out. You’d be okay. You’d find joy again. The pain might still be there sometimes, but it won’t rule you. I know that firsthand.” He exhales slowly. “Eventually, other things get bigger. Life gets louder. The grief is still real, but it becomes more of a memory. A sad one, yeah, but memories only carry the weight we give them. Over time, they get lighter. They just become part of the story.”
I swallow hard, my eyes burning. “But I don’t want him to be a memory. I don’t want to live a life without him in it.”
The door downstairs opens and closes, followed by footsteps onthe stairs. Vivian walks into the kitchen moments later, giving us a quick once-over before smiling. “Hi, Alley!”
I wipe my face and force a smile. “Hi, Vivian.”
She glances at Leo as she walks past, her small baby bump visible under the dress she’s wearing. “I’m just going to grab Isla and take her to lunch with me.”
“Thanks, love.” He pushes up from his chair, meeting her on her way back with Isla in her arms. He kisses Vivian, then presses his lips to Isla’s forehead. “Bye, princess. Have fun at lunch with your mum.”
His hand rests briefly on Vivian’s belly as they exchange a few more words, then Vivian calls out, “Alley, it’s so good to have you. We’ll catch up later, okay?”
“Sounds great. Thanks, Vivian.”
“Bye!” she calls over her shoulder, Isla’s little voice echoing a tiny “Bye!” behind her.
Leo settles back into his seat. “Can I ask why you haven’t told Michael?”
“Michael would tell me to leave. He’d hate Jensen for it. You know what we went through with my dad.”
Leo’s brows draw together. “I don’t think he’d hate Jensen. He might surprise you. Look how great he’s been with your dad all these years.” He pauses, chuckling softly. “But you’re right about the leaving part. He probably would say that.”
“It’s different. He’s great with my dad now, but he told my mom to leave all the time.”
