Page 70 of The Gentleman's Confession
She trusted them more than she trusted herself. She put her arm over her eyes and cried. She was no stranger to Rivenwood but was as lost as she had ever been. Her head pounded fiercely, and her chest ached, and Grandmother wasn’t there to comfort her. She pressed her face into her pillow, damp from her tears, and let the sweet mercy of sleep cover her like a blanket.
CHAPTER 31
Miles left Jemma’s side, wanderingthrough Rivenwood until he reached a dark, empty corridor. He sank against the wall. Tipping his head back, he squeezed his eyes shut. He’d let his guard down, and any progress in reaching Jemma was gone. An ache throbbed in his chest. He’d been so scared—so foolish. His heart raced remembering how still she had lain in his arms. He had almost lost her.
How he longed to hold her until his lingering nerves settled. She was out of harm’s way now, and yet ... and yet farther out of his reach than ever. Why had he deceived himself? She would never see the possibility of them together. She didn’t love him. Not enough to fight for a future by his side.
Pushing himself from the wall, he sighed. He needed to speak with Lisette. His duty demanded it. All these years, he had avoided this conversation, but it was no longer possible. It was time for him to stop tiptoeing around his mistakes and take responsibility.
Somehow, he made it to the stable and blindly road his horse to the Mannings’ House. The family had just retired home, relieved that Jemma was on the mend, and had not expected his arrival. He promptly requested a private word with Lisette in the drawing room. He didn’t care what the family or the staff thought. Soon enough, the whole town would know what he had done. It was only right Lisette learn it from him.
“What is it?” Lisette asked. “Has Jemma worsened already?” They took seats across from each other. Lisette perched on theedge of hers, seemingly ready to leap back into a carriage and return to Jemma’s side at a moment’s notice.
“It is her emotional needs that concern me, actually.” Miles took a deep breath, his hands sweating. “I have injured her ... and you.” When Miles finished accounting his behavior on the cricket field, Lisette paled and gripped the arm of the sofa.
Miles’s own hands fidgeted for a moment. He waited for her to say something. Anything. He knew the consequences of his actions affected her as much as they did him and Jemma. They had been through a great deal together, but never something of this magnitude.
Finally, she emitted a heavy sigh. “Thank you for telling me.”
He grimaced. “You alone would thank me for making such a wretched confession.”
“It is grave tidings indeed.” Her small smile disappeared before it reached fruition.
“I know. I am ashamed that I did not take greater pains to control myself.” He would never regret kissing Jemma but vehemently regretted hurting her and his friends.
Lisette shook her head. “You mistake my words. I did not mean to imply you should feel ashamed. Only, there will be so much societal pressure to make amends.”
He stared at her unblinking expression and clarified carefully. “Pressure for me to marry Jemma, you mean?”
“Yes.”
Maybe if she cried, Miles would feel properly chastised. With her calmly spoken words and dry eyes, he could not gauge the level of hurt he had induced. “Lisette, for years, everyone ... maybe even you ... has thought that you and I, that we ... “
“That we would marry,” she finished. “Yes, I know what everyone has said about us. I wanted it, too, for a long time.”
“Wanted?” Miles was stuck on the tense of her word choice.
She nodded. “It seems strange to finally speak it out loud, to you of all people.” She lifted her shoulders in a dainty shrug. “I held a place in my heart for you for many years, but the constant pressure to secure your affections slowly became burdensome to me. It was only recently that I realized I am happier when we are simply friends without expectation. I can honestly say I no longer feel the same attachment toward you. Not like Tom and Cassandra love each other or Paul and Louisa.”
He was relieved and ashamed all over again. It was his fault she had suffered so long. “I do not blame you if you can never forgive me.”
“I already have, Miles. I am taken back by your admission but not by your partiality toward Jemma. I cannot be the only one who has noticed the way you look at her.”
“You noticed?”
“I wondered off and on the last few years, but when you danced with Jemma at Kensington Park ... Well, you have never looked at me that way before.”
His face and neck grew hot, his cravat suffocating him. “I only ever wanted the best for you, Lisette, but my heart already belonged elsewhere. You deserve so much better.”
She surprised him with a sympathetic smile. “Wedeserve better.”
His brow hinged together in the middle.
“Forget any obligation you feel toward me, Miles, and follow your heart.” Her somber expression turned resolute. “As for me, I plan to do the same.”
Miles left Lisette on far better terms than he’d expected. He knew he had injured her over the years, and it still stung his conscience to think about, but having her know his feelings for Jemma was an unexpected release. Conversing with Lisette had been the right thing to do. Years’ worth of harbored feelings werefinally free in the world—for better or worse. So much of his future was still uncertain.
After a short sleep, he rose at dawn to ride to Tom’s to meet with Mr. Bentley. With his friends gathered in the drawing room, he forced another uncomfortable confession and apology.
