Page 37 of An Unwitting Alliance
Tom fought the fears that crept into his own mind. “Is this accoucheur any good?” Should he ride to another town to get a second doctor?
“He is. He recently retired here from London, where he studied with some of the best physicians. When retirement was too dull for him, he took up some local patients.”
Relief filled him instantly. “There you go, then. We will trust his knowledge and experience will help your mother.”
Cassandra nodded and hugged herself. “You must think me a ninny. I hardly blink when I see blood, and I’ve witnessed childbirth three times now. But this... this was different. There has been so much on my mind, I could not rally the strength to endure it.”
“I have never thought of you as a ninny.”
She raised one brow.
“Vexing, yes. A ninny, no.”
The tiniest laugh bubbled out, but the sound of it eased some of the tension in Tom’s muscles. He needed to keep her talking for his sake as much as hers. “You’ve witnessed three childbirths?” As soon as he asked the question, he took Cassandra’s elbow and guided her to sit at the top of the stairs.
She settled down beside him. “Our neighbor’s last birth, Janie’s, and... a baby my mother lost early on.”
Tom swallowed. “I cannot imagine losing a baby.”
“It was hard on all of us. But I think this is worse because we’ve had longer to become attached.”
“How could she bring herself to have another child after such a loss?” Charley’s death had wrecked him.
Cassandra took a shaky breath. “I overheard her tell someone it was a risk, but one she wanted enough to brave the outcome.”
“I envy her strength to face her demons.” It almost made him question his own resolutions. For him, children had always seemed like too great a risk. He could never understand the terrible fate so many of them faced. He feared it more than his own death, even. This was why he would never be the ideal husband for Cassandra.
She seemed to read his thoughts. “I cannot claim my mother’s decision was right for everyone. I don’t think there is ever a simple or easy solution for those who have lost loved ones. And it is likely different for every person and situation. We cannot judge the pain or heartache of another.”
“I can tell you’re as brave as your mother. You said your greatest dream was to have children.”
“Maybe more hopeful than brave.” She looked at her hands. “But who can tell the future? Not every woman is blessed with such opportunities.”
He wanted her to have her dream. She would be a wonderful mother.
As it stood, he could barely scrounge the hope for Mrs. Vail’s condition. He hated this weakness of his and had managed to hide it all his life. Someone else, someone whole, would suit Cassandra better. He glanced sideways at her, awareness of her filling him. He could not explain why he was so drawn to someone he was destined to disappoint.
Chapter 15
Cassandra brought her mother aglass of water. “Doctor’s orders.”
“Very well.” Mama accepted the water. She leaned forward and Cassandra pushed another pillow behind her back. “Better, thank you.”
The night had passed and no baby had come. Mr. Adams had left a few hours before with a strict order for Mama to stay in bed. It would be rest and more rest until the time of delivery could no longer be avoided.
Cassandra accepted the now-empty glass. Several seconds passed before she remembered what she was doing and set the glass beside the pitcher on the side table. Was it fatigue or Mr. Harwood that had her mind all muddled?
Mr. Harwood. Most assuredly, he was to blame.
She had come a long way in processing her feelings in healthy ways—like retreating to the shed to collect herself or being more direct with expressing herself, which did not always end well. Yesterday, after Mama’s unexpected fall, Cassandra’s fear had gripped her so tightly, she had nearly panicked. Mr. Harwood’s reassurances had made all the difference. It seemed he had the ability to ruffle her and comfort her. His touch yesterday had been as soothing as warm sunlight and his voice like the calm ripples of a pond. But while his intentions were those of a friend, the intimacy of his comforting embrace and their private conversation had jumbled her thoughts and desires into something far worse than the tangled yarn ball Robert had crafted for Tiger.
Something had to be done. She and Mr. Harwood were committed to ending their betrothal, not continuing it. She glanced at Mama. It was not the best time to bring up a stressful topic, but it might be the only time for her to see reason. Cassandra perched on the edge of the bed. “Now that you are bedridden, do you not think this is the worst possible time to plan a wedding? Shall we not call the whole thing off?”
Mama closed her eyes briefly. “I am stuck here, but I am not dead. There is plenty I can manage.”
“Mr. Adams said you must not tax yourself.”
“Cassandra, whatever you or Mr. Adams say, no one can change my mind. In fact, I wish you would tell me of your progress so that I might compose another letter for Lady Felcroft. She is anxious to know how you two are getting on.”
