Page 53 of Hello Handsome
The thought of dying, knowing I spent the last twenty years viewing my life through grief and loss… it guts me.
I couldn’t shake it as I got up and fed the cattle. Nor as I checked the tanks to ensure water was flowing from the windmills.
So when I opened my computer for my session with Dr. Benson, I was ready to do whatever it took to startlivingmy life.
He asked me what steps I took to process her death those years ago, and even though I went through her closet and gave so many things away, I admitted that I still hadn’t cleared out her nightstand or even changed the mattress.
“You made big steps by going through her closet and cleaning her stuff from the house, but you know what step you need to take next. Can you do it before our next call?”
My eyes stung at his words, but he was right. I nodded, promising him (and myself) that I would.
So instead of going back to work after our call, I went to my bedroom and took it in.
The furniture was the same from when we first got married. Maya’s father was a skilled craftsman and handmade the bed frame, dresser, and nightstands for us as a wedding gift. We both cherished it, especially after his passing.
But now? I looked at this room, and all I saw was Maya.
I didn’t want to get rid of all these reminders of her, but I couldn’t besurroundedby her anymore either.
I tugged the blankets off the bed, then the sheets, and tossed the pillows to the side. Then I grabbed the mattress and pulled it out of the room, dragging it to the bed of my pickup truck. There were still pee stains from when Bryce was little and would crawl into bed with me then have an accident.
Then I brought the box spring out, dropping it in the back of the pickup, too. I took it to the dump and drove back to my house, knowing there was no going back.
Along the dirt road, Jack’s truck approached, going the opposite way. He waved his hand out the window, our sign to slow down and talk.
Despite a strong urge to hide all my embarrassment from my friend, I decided I was done hiding. I slowed my truck on the desolate country road and rolled my window down, letting in chilled early spring air.
“What are you up to?” Jack called over, resting his arm on the window.
“Clearing out my bedroom,” I admitted. “It’s time for something new.”
Realization dawned on my friend’s face. “I was going to start discing a field, but I can help you. Some of that furniture’s awful heavy if memory serves.”
Gratitude washed over me, and I blinked back the emotion in my eyes that seemed so ever present today. “I’d appreciate that,” my voice rasped out.
Jack dipped his head in a nod. “Let’s head that way.”
I kept going down the dirt road, seeing his truck turn around in my rearview mirror. The drive to my place was just a handful of minutes, and soon, we were parked in the driveway, walking up to the house.
“What inspired you to do this?” Jack questioned.
I chewed the inside of my cheek, not sure how to bring it up. But Jack was my best friend. He knew it all, and it was time he knew this, too. So, as we hauled a nightstand out of the bedroom, I told him about my failures with Aggie and what my counselor suggested.
Jack listened while I spoke, climbing into the back of the truck to push the nightstand closer to the cab.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make it up to her, but at this point, it’s bigger than that,” I said, sitting on the truck bed.
Jack lowered himself to sit beside me. Our feet dangled, hovering over tan gravel. “That’s heavy, Gray,” he said.
I hung my head. “I don’t know how I let things get so sideways.”
Jack patted my back, his hand heavy between my shoulder blades. “It’s like driving a tractor. You start looking over your shoulder, that’s the direction it’s gonna turn.” He paused, letting his words sink in. “You’ve been turning your head to look behind you. It’s time to look forward.”
I nodded slowly despite the nerves tightening my gut. Today would be hard; I’d need extra sleep and maybe some time just to zone out on my chair, but I’d get through it. Especially now that my friend was at my side. “Let’s get started.”
We moved the second nightstand, the dresser, and then took the bed frame apart so we could carry it out piece by piece.Despite the chill in the air, sweat dripped down my neck from the effort, and Jack’s face was red with exertion.
And then the room was empty, save for some laundry baskets holding my clothes from the dresser. My chest felt tighter than usual, my vision started to blur at the edges, so I sat down against the wall, taking measured breaths.
