Page 30 of Winning You
Lucas let his toes drag slightly across the floor until they touched what he immediately knew was Gage’s favorite blanket. They’d gone with Gage’s dad to Costco to stock the station with snacks and microwave meals, and Gage had all but buried himself in a bin filled with cooling comforters.
Lucas bought one and surprised Gage with it the next time he stumbled through Lucas’s front door, drunk and feeling sorry for himself.
“Right here,” Gage said, tapping Lucas on the hand. “The food’s on my other side, so you won’t step in it.”
He dropped to his knees and crawled forward into the nest of pillows Gage had stolen off his bed and the couch. He settled comfortably, his head tipped back, then removed his prosthetics and set them on the side table, letting his eyelids rest closed.
He had a feeling that was the relief people talked about when they waxed poetic about removing their bras or binders.
“So,” Gage said.
“Look, I know I’ve been hounding you about what happened,” Lucas interrupted. He felt in the space between them until he found Gage’s hand, and he curled their fingers together. “I know for a fact something bad happened because you changed.”
“Did I?” Gage’s voice was soft and a little rough.
“I know what cruelty and trauma does to a person,” Lucas reminded him. “You noticed immediately after Oliver got under my skin.”
Gage scoffed angrily. “Fuck that guy.”
“He’s not what we’re talking about right now. I’m just saying I know. And you know. But if it really is too much to talk about…”
“I’ve been seeing a therapist,” Gage blurted.
Lucas’s jaw shut quickly, and then he licked his lips. “Oh. That’s…I mean, I’m glad. Therapy is good.”
“It was fucking terrible at first. Then it got better. Sometimes it’s worse. Today was…not the best.”
Lucas turned on his side and pressed Gage’s hand to his chest, right over his heart. He had no idea if Gage could feel it, but he knew his friend had always liked this. “You don’t have to tell me, you know.”
“I know. I’ve been talking about it with my therapist, and I’m ready. It’s just…finding the right words.” Gage went quiet for a beat, and Lucas could hear the way his breath was trembling. “I met a guy right before I came home. His name was Jonny. Tall, cute. If I hadn’t had my bi awakening already, he definitely would have given me one.”
Lucas said nothing. He stroked a touch over the tops of Gage’s knuckles.
“He had a roommate. Sara. She was…nice, I guess. Really involved with his social life. I don’t know. Jonny was intense, so I didn’t think too much about it. He was…you know how you read in books a really intense scene where they stare into each other’s eyes and kind of…fall in love without even really knowing each other?”
Lucas had. He had no reference for that at all. Not just because he couldn’t see, but because he’d never had a moment like that. He nodded anyway.
“It was like that. We could talk for hours about nothing, and it felt like he was my whole world for the night. But it wasn’t all great. The sex was pretty bad,” Gage went on. “He would just go and go for hours, and he didn’t seem to give a shit when I was tired or sore. It…it made me feel bad. Used.”
“I will kill him,” Lucas growled. “I will literally take a rusted old, broken spoon and cut his stomach from one end to the other, then?—”
“It’s okay.I’mokay,” Gage whispered.
Lucas fell quiet, but the rage in his body made him feel like he was a volcano about to erupt. But he also knew Gage didn’t need that from him.
“The third night we had sex, he told me he loved me.”
“Did you say it back?” Lucas felt a weird pulse of envy. Not because he wanted Gage to love him like that. Not anymore. But the fact that it was happening to everyone around him except him was a big, bitter pill to swallow.
“No. I thanked him. I said I liked him, but I wasn’t ready to go that far. He got a little weird after that, but I figured his feelings were hurt.” Gage fell silent again, and when he swallowed, Lucas could hear it clicking in the back of his throat. “He invited Sara to come hang out a few nights later. She brought stuff to make boozy ice cream floats.”
“Gross.”
Gage laughed. “I know. I thought about you. I almost called you. I needed to talk about my feelings, but I felt so…I felt like I didn’t have the right to complain to you about my love life after I was such a shit when you confessed your feelings to me.”
“We are so past that,” Lucas told him, holding his hand tighter. “And you do love me in an even better way than I’d wanted back then.”
“Yeah, I know,” Gage said on the edge of a sigh. He took another moment before he went on. “I got about a third ofthe way into the drink she made, and then…well. Fuck,” he whispered. “I only have bits and pieces of my memory. I woke up on the floor of my dorm, half-naked, with my feet up on the bed. My roommate wasn’t in. I felt…weird. Like the whole world was spinning sideways. I threw up for hours.”
