Page 65 of Left of the Slash
I sigh. “Nothing. I just wish you didn't look like that.”
Olivia glances down at her clothes. “Like what?”
“Likethat.Thatgood.Thatincredible.Thatenticing. You can't stop talking to me for days, then open the door looking likethat.”
She grins but twists her lips together to keep it from growing into a smile.
“Thank you,” she says. “I'm so glad you decided to come. Please come in.”
I don't smell food cooking this time, so when I walk inside, I don't know where to go. I have to wait for Olivia to finish locking the door and let her pass me so I can follow her to the same stools we have sat on each time I've been here. She sits first and I mirror her, then I wait anxiously for her to speak.
This will either be the end of us or the beginning. On the way over, I thought about what I was willing to accept today. If Oliviais trying to bring us back to where we were before it all fell apart, I don't think I'm down for that. Sure, it was cool at first, but going through it showed me too much for me to go back now. I'm not trying to be her relief valve, so if that’s all she wants from me, the amazing sex won't be enough for me to wear all of that weight a second time. If I can't have all of her, I'd rather have none. The same goes for me. If I can't give Olivia all that I am—if she isn't willing to take all of me exactly as I am, then she can't have any. And if it all ends with us today, this will be my rule for every woman I date going forward. Accept me fully, or lose me entirely.
After a tense moment of silence, Olivia clears her throat and looks me in the eye. She’s not smiling right now, but I can still see that bright aura floating all around her. I swear, even in silence I can tell there is something different about her. When I first met Olivia, it was like she was encased in steel. Her hardened shell required a special lock to get to her softer side, but now that side is all I see. It’s like she's kinder and happier, and when she looks at me I don't see a wall anymore. Something has changed.
“I don't want to talk much,” she starts, making my eyebrows raise.
“Youdon'twant to talk much,” I repeat. “Okay.”
“I don't want to talkmuch,” she says again. “But there are some important things I do want to say, and I'd like to start with … I'm sorry, Q. I know I put it in the email I sent you, but I needed to say it face to face. I'm so sorry for the way I treated you when we were together—”
“Ah, so weweretogether,” I jab playfully, and to my surprise, Olivia laughs.
“Yes, we were together. I was just too lost to see it. I always knew that I had issues when it came to my father, but I didn't know how deep they ran, and it took you and Eden to show me.I thought that if I allowed myself to have feelings for you, there would be no more room for the priorities I had before I met you. I thought that I would lose focus on Obsidian, and that meant putting my father's wishes second. I wasn't ready to do that, and when I started to have real feelings for you, it sent terror streaking through my heart. I kept thinking, ‘What about Dad?’ And ‘What about Obsidian?’ I panicked, and it made me cold. I was wrong, and I lied to you every time I acted offended by something you did. Nothing about the way you handled Jed and Simon bothered me at all. Nothing about the way you hacked the EWB system upset me. I don't know what it says about me, but I'm just a girl I guess, and I liked that you fought for me in both ways that you did it. You've fought for me with your body and with your mind, and I knew at EWB that you had me. Watching you take command of that room broke through every barrier I had tried to put up, and I knew I wouldn't be able to reconstruct them again. I just needed time to accept it, and now that I have … I’m sorry.”
I nod my head, taking in every word, stunned to be hearing them from her lips. I guess this is what I wanted the entire time—to be acknowledged for doing the right things for her. I'm not some narcissist who wants credit for dumb shit or things I didn't even do, but I was fightingfor her. I was risking my livelihoodfor her, and it killed me when she refused to see it. Now that she has, I feel so much better. But I'm still pissed that we even ended up here.
“I can appreciate that,” I reply. “To keep it real with you, Olivia, it really sucked getting treated like that. I thought we had something real growing, and I'm not sure if you're saying you believe that now, too. Is that what you're saying?”
She raises an eyebrow. “Well, that’s the other part of it, but I don't want my apology to get lumped into that. I'm sorry first,and if you're willing to listen to the next part, then I'd like to tell you the truth about how I feel.”
I have to take a breath, hoping I'm not being set up for a push off a cliff. “Alright. I'd love to know how you feel. It'll either help me fall for you or help me move on from you.”
She smiles again, so at peace tonight. “Okay. Well, just so we’re clear, I am not in love with you.”
I chuckle. “I'm not in love with you either, but somehow that still hurts.”
Olivia lets out an adorable giggle. “But, I've never really allowed myself to open up to anyone to let love in. I've been avoiding it, saving all of my love for my work and my dad. But today is not the same as yesterday, and I want you to know that I'm open to you being the person I fall in love with. When that feeling comes, I won't stop it. In fact, I’ll dive into it fully and with my whole heart. Even though it hasn't happened yet, I want it to be you. I want you to be my one, and I hope that you want me, too.”
Suddenly, I have the urge to spill my guts. I came in ready to clam up and walk out without saying anything about how I felt, leaning into the silence and using it to help me get over Olivia. But now I want to grab her by the shoulders and scream it into her face.
“Of course I want you,” I say, maybe a little too aggressively. “You're the one who gave all of this to me. You helped me to discover that I'm a Dom. You told me to go see my dad. You told me to be who I truly am. All of that changed my life for the better, so even if we didn't make it and I was forced to move on from you, I was never going to forget you. But let me be absolutely clear. I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone, but I wasn't going to chase someone who didn't want me.”
“I understand that, and you don't have to chase me,” she says, reaching over and taking my hand. “I'm sorry I made you feellike you had to. I was an idiot, and even in my idiocy, I still missed you like crazy. I just needed to get my head together, and now that I have, I want to commit to you the best way I know how.”
“I want to commit to you, too,” I admit, standing up and wrapping my arms around her shoulders. “I want to protect you. I want to own you. I want to grow with you, and I want to support you while you continue to succeed and do all of the amazing things Diego wanted to watch you do. I don't want to steal your shine. I only want to help you and watch you glow.”
Olivia’s arms tighten around me, and I feel a brand new sense of happiness invade my entire body. She feels so good in my arms, and I never want to let her go. Even that thought shocks me. Ineverwant to let her go.
“I'm so happy to hear you say that,” she says, her face against my chest before she pulls away. “Okay, so we’re doing this? Me and you? We’re officially together?”
“Absolutely,” I reply, finally feeling whole.
“Okay. Thank you for forgiving me, Q.”
“Thank you for being real enough to apologize.”
“I'm actually not done apologizing,” she says. “I said I didn't want to talk much and that sort got away from me, but there is something else I want to do. Something to seal the deal on our reunion.”
