Page 50 of Left of the Slash
“Well … no, that’s not what I mean. But, you were a criminal and it didn't seem to bother you because you loved the results. It’s the reason you ended up here, and I've been trying to avoid any and all feelings that could put me in the same situation.”
Dad sighs again. “Oh wow. Quinn, you don't havea darknessinside of you.”
“Yes, I do. It’s my dark devil, and I have to fight it all the time.”
“A dark devil? Son, I love you, but are you fucking kidding me?”
I’m startled by the shift in his tone. “What?”
“There is no more a dark devil inside of you than there is inside of me,” Dad says. “Your problem isn't that you have darkness in you. Your problem is that you can't accept yourself. There is no darkness, Quinn. There is only you. Don't put the blame on something else, and certainly don't put it on me just because I got locked up.”
“But the things I want to doare dark,” I try to argue. “Sadism is a dark thing. I just knocked a guy out at the bar last night and threatened another guy with a broken glass bottle. That’s dark, and it’s exactly the kind of thing I watched you do growing up.”
“I did that kind of shit because I wanted to, and you're doing it because you saw me do it, but also becauseyou want to do it. Don't blame me for your desires, because it certainly won't convince a judge if you go too far and get arrested like I did. You have to know your limits. I ignored mine and it brought menothing but trouble that ended with me in here forever. I owed those gangsters over a million dollars, one of them threatened to hurt you if I didn't pay, and I stabbed him in the fucking neck. I have no one to blame—no dark devil to point the finger at. I only have myself. Quincy King. It was me. But you don't have to make those mistakes.
“You're so much smarter than I was, but you're also just like me, and that’s okay. I raised you by myself, so of course you're like me, but you’ll never be the best version of yourself until you accept who you are. From what I'm hearing, this girl brings outthe bestin you. Period. If you’ve found a little masochistic woman who wants you to inflict pain on her, then you better thank your lucky stars and live in your truth with her. Don't fuck it up by talking about darkness and devils. You're the darkness, Quinn. You're the devil. Just fucking own it.”
My defensiveness tries to kick in, but it has no legs to stand on, so my mouth opens with no words coming out. I never realized that my father's arrest did a number on me, making me believe that being like him was wrong because he ended up in prison. But he's right. All this time, I've been running from myself, which is why I've always felt like I couldn't escape. I've been lying to myself for years.
A guard yells something on the other side of the glass, and Dad nods to him before looking at me again.
“Listen to me, Son,” he says. “I know all the things you thought were cool about me were tainted by how things ended up, but I know what I'm talking about. I wish I was out there with you, to help you figure all of this out. But I promise you, you will never feel truly happy if you don't accept who you are. Trying to escape it is simply you running in place. You have to be open and honest with yourself, man. Sure, it might make you scarier to some people. Others might not understand or even try to, and that’s fine. All that matters is that you love and accept yourself. Yourinterests don't have to be everyone else’s interests. Your attitude doesn't have to make everyone around you happier. It’s not your job to make everyone feel comfortable. If you being yourself makes people feel intimidated, that's on them. Like what you like, and find people who get it. Fuck everybody else. Your name is Quinn King. You're my son. I live in you. The only difference between us is that you're the smarter version of me, and you won't end up here. But from now on, youwillbe true to yourself. You hear me?”
With the tears finally breaking free and rolling down my face, I nod. “I hear you.”
Dad stands up but keeps the phone to his ear. “Good. There is no dark devil, Quinn. There is only you. Now let me hear you say it.”
I swallow hard. “There is no dark devil. There's only me.”
Dad nods his approval. “Good. Now go use that so-called darkness to be the best version of yourself. I love you, Son.”
Tears stream down my face. “I love you too, Dad.”
He smiles at me as he hangs up the phone, then touches the glass before turning on his heel and walking away. I watch him go, trying my best to fight back an onslaught of emotions that will surely break free once I'm out of this godforsaken building, but for now I hold it together and think about everything he just said. I know he's right, and I vow to be true to myself from this moment on.
“There is no dark devil,” I whisper to myself as I hang up the phone and rise to my feet. “There is only me.”
THIRTY - Quinn
“Well look who finally decided to show up. Did you enjoy your morning off, boss?”
I grin at Rob as I step past him to get into my office. I place my coffee mug down on the desk and sit down as Rob leans against my doorjamb in a black and white vest and black pants. He has an eyebrow raised as he entertains himself with ideas about what I may have been doing that made me call in late to work this morning. I'm sure he probably thinks I was busy with Olivia, but she's already here. I saw her having a conversation with Nick in front of her desk just before entering my office. Nonetheless, Rob’s imagination is running wild.
“It wasn't the whole morning,” I answer, still grinning. “I just had something important to do when I woke up today, so I needed some time.”
Rob chuckles. “Time with Olivia? Don't think I forgot about you two setting up a dinner date right in front of me. You never told me how it went. Are you in love now?”
I bring my coffee to my lips and sip it before answering him. “I don't think it’s love. I'm not even going to try to describe it, but I do like her. The date was at the Wonderland bar, and it was cut short when I had to beat the shit out of a couple of assholes from Olivia’s past. Then we fucked in the parking lot and I went home. As for this morning, I woke up early to go see my dad. That’s why I was late. But now I'm here and it’s all good.”
As I take a second cautious sip from my steaming coffee, Rob scrunches his forehead at my door. I feel him watching me with confusion, tilting his head and scoffing under his breath before he finally says, “Are you good? You seem … different.”
“Yeah, I'm good,” I answer coolly.
Rob keeps his eyes on me even as I turn on my computer and focus on my coffee as I watch the screen come to life.
“Umm … so you went to see your dad. How did that go? You usually put that off every time you think about going,” he says, his eyes narrow when I look at him to answer.
“It went great,” I admit. “It had been too long since I was last down there, and I think I'm going to start going once a month. I need to see him a lot more often than once a year, and he needs me, too. You should see him, man. He gotbig.”
