Page 79 of A Good Girl's Guide to Dominance
While I cry, my emotions waging a war against one another inside my heart, Nikola scoots close and puts his hand on my knee. I see tears in his eyes, too, and I realize how much this means to him. I’m in awe of him because he has everything already. He has a wonderful wife that he gets to spend the rest of his life with, with plans to have children in the near future. He has a great job and money to spend. He has it all, yet he is still concerned for me. He still wants to see me happy, even after all of the craziness I have brought to his doorstep. This is what truefriendship looks like. This, too, is love. I've tried to run from it, but it has always been here, keeping me afloat when I felt like giving up and letting myself drown.
“Let me ask you a question,” he says. “If your mother and father were here right now, and they asked you a simple question, would you lie to them?”
“Of course not,” I answer, wiping tears from my wet face. “But what’s the question?”
Nikola sighs, staring me directly in the eyes.
“The question is … do you love Nia?”
My face crumples into an unrecognizable mess as I begin to bawl like a baby. I cry my eyes out, terror ripping through my core as I think about the last time Natalia smiled at me. I remember the way she sounded when she told me she loved me, and the way her arms felt around my body as she held me close. I know she would want to see me happy. Just like Mom. Just like Dad. Just like Isabella. Just like Nikola.
I close my eyes, squeezing more tears out as I nod.
“Yes,” I finally allow myself to admit. “Yes, I love Nia.”
Nikola grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.
“Good,” he says, nodding as a single tear slides down his cheek. “Now what are you going to do about it?”
Dear Diary,
I don't have much to say. It’s all too painful. The only word that comes to mind is … LESSON.
I will let this be a lesson as I try to glue the pieces back together and move forward, and the lesson is that even perfection can be impossible to hold onto.
Rome was my treasure. He was what I had searched for with a map and magnifying glass, on a long hunt for perfection, and I was successful in my quest. I tracked him down through failed dating app experiences and bad hookups … but even perfection can be impossible to hold onto.
Finding him didn't guarantee anything. It didn't mean that he would be mine. All my discovery meant was that my version of the perfect Dom did exist. He had been out there all along, but finding him told me nothing about his heart.
I guess I was too late. Someone else had found him already, and he’d given his heart to her, leaving nothing but crumbs behind for me.
I can't do anything with crumbs.
That’s the lesson.
FINDING YOUR PERFECT DOM WILL NOT GUARANTEE THAT IT WORKS OUT. LIFE IS A CRUEL BITCH, AND NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, A LITTLE LUCK IS ALWAYS REQUIRED.
Okay. Lesson learned.
I may not have my perfect Dom, but I do have perfect friends. I’ll lean on them now, and I'm not sure I’ll be on the hunt again. It’s fine. As long as I have them, I’ll think I’ll be okay.
Forty-Three
“Alright, I know we don't have shots, but everybody raise your glass of whatever you're drinking.”
“No, no, no,” Jaz interrupts Jeremiah just as he lifts his cocktail into the air. “We’re not doing a toast tonight.”
“Why not?” Jeremiah asks with a frown, all the wind being sucked out of his sails as he sees he's the only one with alcohol.
Jaz turns to me and eyes me with a sympathetic look. I hate it, because I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. I didn't tell Jaz about what happened between Rome and I to garner sympathy votes or hugs, and I didn't schedule an entire week off from work for anybody at Sandcastle to feel sorry for me. I didn't spend three nights in a row at Jaz and Michael’s house so that they would look at me with pity in their eyes. I just needed time to recover, and still do. No one knows this better than Jaz, and I smile on the inside as her sympathetic look shifts to a steely glare accompanied by a head nod.
“Because we’re just not,” she says, refusing to mention Rome’s name. At this point, I’d be surprised if we ever discuss visiting the city of Rome, just so that we don't have to say the name.“However, what I will do is thank you for being here with us tonight. Michael and I have an announcement that we'd like to share, if you all don't mind.”
Jeremiah checks his phone before placing it on the table face down, while my eyebrows raise in anticipation for what’s coming. When I left Jaz and Michael’s house after the three nights I spent there, Jaz didn't indicate that she had any news to share. Whatever they’re talking about is something new. Perfect. I need as many new and exciting things in my life as I can get to help take my mind off of how dilapidated my love life is.
“If you say that you're getting a divorce, you better sleep with one eye open, Michael,” Jeremiah says, only half joking.
Michael frowns. “You think we’d bring you to a happy dinner to announce a divorce?”
