Page 8 of I Love to Hate You
“Kendrick, you have no shame,” Simon says, before we both laugh again. After a minute, we finally come down and he asks, “So, now that you beat up the kid’s brother, are you going to be good to graduate?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I answer. “He’s going to do what he has to do to protect his kid brother.”
“That’s good, because you're the one, Kendrick. Your mom worked her ass off to make sure you went to college so you could get out of here. We’re all rooting for you.”
I look at Simon and can see it in his face that he’s telling the truth. It’s not often someone from Strawberry Mansion has a chance to get out, especially by doing it legitimately. Solomon King made it out, but he was a madman who left a lot of bodies in his wake. As much as I grew up idolizing his hustle, I have to make it another way. For my mom.
“It’s a lot of pressure,” I say, looking up at the clouds. “You know I never wanted this. It’s all for my mom.”
Simon nods. “I know. How’s she doing?”
The air around us suddenly feels thicker following the question. My eyes move down from the sky and find a crack on the stairs to focus on while my mind shifts into a much darker, sadder place. Simon’s mood darkens as well, and the laughter is suddenly on the ground beneath our feet, drying up like fallen rain.
“Not good,” I finally say. Just speaking the words pains me. My gut clenches at the thought of her struggling, but also serves as motivation to continue doing what I’m doing.
“Damn. I’m sorry to hear that, man,” Simon says, both of us looking down at the concrete now. “You know if you ever need anything, I got you.”
I nod. “Yeah, I know, except for when I wanted to partner up with you.”
“Kendrick, what did I just say? We’re all rooting for you, man. You don't need to be out here doing what I’m doing. You think if I had the option to go to college instead of selling that I’d still be here on these streets? Viola made it possible for you, and I’ll be damned if you're gonna be out here with me running and gunning. So, stop bringing it up. You’ve got a shot at a life, Kendrick. The rest of us are trying to live vicariously through you.
“You think I don't know what all of that getting suspended is really about? You’ve been fighting and fucking shit up at Temple since you started there, trying so hard to show us all that you're still you. We already know you're a badass, bro. But beating people up, selling drugs, and stealing is nowhere near as badass as graduating from college and making it out of Strawberry Mansion, especially when the odds are stacked against you. You know that, right?”
I nod my head reluctantly, ignoring the voice inside telling me to give up and go back to what I’ve always known.
“Yeah, I know,” I answer.
“Good. So, I’m gonna go make this sale,” Simon says as he stands up. “And you need to go see your mama. I’ll catch up with you later, okay? Keep your head up, man. You're the one.”
Simon extends his hand for me to shake before turning on his heel and walking away. Part of me wishes I could go with him to get into whatever trouble he’s about to find. I crave the adventure and the freedom to act on your emotions without worrying about being suspended. Walking the straight and narrow makes me feel like a sellout, but I know Simon is right. I have to keep my head on straight, if not for me, then definitely for her.
Seven
~ KENDRICK~
“Mom, you okay?” I ask, as I enter her house through the unlocked front door. Usually, I’d be upset that I found her door unlocked, but I texted to tell her I was on my way. It’s still risky, but when I see the way she’s slumped over on the couch with her fingers rubbing circles on her temples, I decide to let it go without a word.
My mother’s house is only two streets away from mine. When I moved out after high school, I had enough money from dealing weed to afford a halfway decent place in a better neighborhood, but I decided to go completely legit during my freshman year, and that dried up my money quickly. Mom had saved up enough for me to attend college as long as I secured a couple of student loans, and I wasn’t going to ruin it by getting caught selling. The thought was reborn when I realized just how poor I was choosing to be, but the ship had already sailed. Simon closed the door on my drug dealer days, and I ended up with only enough money to stay in the same dilapidated neighborhood I was born into. It turned out to be the best move, because it wasn’t too long until Mom started getting sick.
My mother, my most trusted companion in this horror show called life, has cancer. Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, to be exact. While this particular cancer is one of the easier ones to fight and beat, her case seems to be a bit trickier, because it has been a year since her diagnosis and she hasn’t made much progress. Her chemo treatments have been ongoing, and all they seem to do is exacerbate her illness by making her sick with nausea, ruining her hair, and making her dry and swelling skin even worse. She was sick six months before she was diagnosed, which gives us a grand total of a year and half of pure hell with no signs of letting up. But more than anyone I’ve ever known in my life, my mother is a fighter.
“Don't even say it,” she says as I lock the door with an audible click and make my way over to the couch.
“Don't say what?” I inquire, sitting down next to her.
“I could tell from the look on your face that you're thinking something about that lock,” she says jokingly. Even when she’s feeling like shit, she never loses her sense of humor.
“I wasn’t going to,” I reply.
Mom scoffs. “Yeah, but you were thinking it. I know you, Kendrick.”
A smile tugs at the side of my mouth. “I know you do, Ma. You're keeping it dark in here, aren’t you?”
“I have to,” she says, unaffected by the only light in the entire room coming from the TV. “Too many lights give me a headache, and I already feel bad enough. I don't need to add to it with a migraine.”
“Makes sense,” I say, but my eyes struggle to adjust to the lack of light. “How did the treatment go yesterday?”
“Same as usual. Brenda went with me since you were in class, and we both just sat there talking about her husband. She thinks he has ED.”
