Page 68 of Interview with a Sadist
In my front seat, I remember how it felt to be with Nolan. I remember all of the great times of laughter we had together, and the soul-crushing orgasms he gave me. I think about how happy I was when we were together, and how replacing him would be impossible. For the first time in weeks, I think about Nolan … andonlyNolan.
Every thought fills my stomach with rabid butterflies, and the memories of his face and blue eyes warm my entire body. My smile is uncontrollable, and I know that if I deny myself smiles like this one, I would be doing myself the greatest disservice and setting up the rest of my life to be a giant disappointment full of regret. I can’t do that. I won’t.
With my smile still lingering, I decide my next move with a fluttering heart and excitement coursing through my fingertips like an electric current. I feel the current all the way down in my bones as I stick my key in the ignition and start the car, on my way back to where it all began.
ChapterForty-Three
When I park across the street from The Black Collar, my mind wanders right back to the first time I ever did it. I remember the nervousness I felt jolting through my body with every move I made. I remember stepping out of my car onto wobbly legs as I eyed the sign on the building, before walking across the street to be greeted by Maddy, who led me to the other end of the building where Nolan’s office was. He looked so incredible the first time I laid my eyes on him, and I remember the revelation that his eyes were blue, which threw me for a loop right there at the door. The moment I spoke to him I knew I was a goner.
It’s sad to say, but sometimes the perfect romance requires time apart. Nota lotof time, but some. I’m not a believer of the sayingabsence makes the heart grow fonder, but in most cases, a small amount of separation gives people the space they need to think about what they have with a clear head. For me, my two weeks without Nolan sent me on a rollercoaster. One minute I was high, missing him and remembering how amazing we were together. The next minute I was low, sad and filled with fear as I realized that Nolan entering my life also brought his baggage of Maddy and my near death experience. But, at the end of it all, I wrote the most therapeutic story of my career, and have the clearest mind I’ve ever had. My vision is no longer blurry, and I know what I want and need to do.
When I reach the door, I check to see if it’s open before knocking, and I’m excited to learn that it is. I make my way down the hall, glancing at the curtains and closed doors of each room and visualizing what’s behind them. The thought alone puts a smile on my face, and I realize that just being in the building and knowing what goes on here makes me happy. I like the idea of being surrounded by kinkiness, because kinkiness in a place like this means freedom. This is where people go when they’re no longer shackled in place by the judgmental opinions of society. The only thing that matters here is consent, the rest is about being open-minded and enjoying life while you still have the chance to. I’d forgotten how freeing this place is. I’d forgotten that freedom is power, and I’ve never felt more powerful than I do when I'm here.
When I reach the big room with the bar and dancefloor, I pause at the entrance. Nolan, Ethan, and Jackson all sit at the counter doing their usual routine for this time of the day. Ethan is behind the bar fiddling with the register, while Jackson combs through receipts like a detective looking for clues, and Nolan sits at the end with a drink in front of him and a solemn expression on his face.
I’m not sure why he’s a handful of seats away from the other two, but there’s obviously no joy in him. It’s like his side of the room is covered by a cloud that’s invisible but still capable of casting a shadow, and he’s the only one in the darkness. He looks miserable as he picks up the short glass and takes a very small sip of something dark. I usually wouldn't think twice about him or anybody else having a drink, but the fact that it’s one in the afternoon sort of stands out.
He’s dressed in all-black, funeral colors, and he certainly looks as miserable as a widow as he scrolls through his phone, never taking a moment to stop and watch anything. He just flicks his thumb over and over again, flying past everything on the screen like none of it matters anyway. He’s still as gorgeous as ever, but he’s not the energetic Nolan I remember, and I’ll admit that seeing him this way fills me with a combination of emotions, both good and bad.
I don't want Nolan to be hurt, but seeing him this somber says really did care about me. He wasn’t using me, and he wasn't lying when he said he wanted things with me that he never wanted with anybody else. His feelings were real, and it didn't matter what Maddy said about his short attention span. He only had a short attention span when it came to her and other women before me, because after two weeks of us being apart, Nolan still looks just as sad as the day he said goodbye at the park, when he didn’t think I heard him.
I’m not sure how to start. After thinking about it the entire drive over, I’m at a loss for words now that I’m here. I end up simply clearing my throat, and that’s all it takes in an empty club. The sound echoes like I shot a cannon on the dancefloor, and all three men turn to face me. The second Nolan and I make eye contact, he puts his phone down and stands.
“Bree?” he says, automatically looking concerned. I haven't texted or called a single time since that day at the park, so he’s probably wondering what might have happened that I would show up here unannounced. Ethan and Jackson don’t say anything. Both of their bodies freeze in place while their eyes bounce back and forth between Nolan and me.
“Hi, Nolan,” I say as I begin slow steps toward him and he does the same. “How have you been?”
Nolan lets out a long exhale. “Miserable without you,” he replies, setting free a million winged creatures in my belly. “What are you doing here?”
“I don't know,” I respond because it’s the truth, but just like when I wrote the story this morning, I don't allow myself to think before I speak. I just let it all out. “I spent the entire morning writing the story I’ve been working on for so long, and once it was finished, the only thing I could think about was getting to you. I left my office without telling my boss where I was going, and I drove here without knowing what I would say when I saw you. I just needed to see you.
“I’ve missed you a lot. I miss the way you make me laugh, the way you constantly remind me that it’s okay for me to be me—who Itrulyam. I miss the joy we bring out of each other. I miss submitting to you. I miss giving you control because I know I can trust you with it. I can trust you with my life, and we all know that’s true because you literally saved my life.
"Nothing has been the same since the day I met you, and I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel like you ruined things for me in a way that I didn't love, because while my entire trajectory has shifted because of you, it has shifted in all the best ways imaginable. I honestly think you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I’d be a fool to give that up just because someone tried to hurt me.
"Maddy loved you. She loved you so much that she was willing to do the most extreme thing to get you back, but what she couldn't accept was that you didn't choose her. You choseme, and it’s not your fault that she reacted the way she did when she finally figured it out. What happened wasn’t your fault, Nolan. You chose me, and I choose you. Right here, right now. I choose us.”
I look into Nolan’s eyes and to my utter surprise, they’re filled with tears. I’m shocked into complete disbelief because he’s a Dom. He’s so masculine and in control all the time, I would've never thought that I’d ever see him cry.
He inhales deeply before letting it out and glancing over at his friends, who both have tears in their eyes as they watch us with smiles on their faces. Ethan reaches across the bar and takes Jackson’s hand in his, and they nod to me, giving me their silent approval and praise.
Nolan quickly wipes away any tears before they can fall, and steps toward me with pure delight in his eyes. His cheeks come to life and he slowly morphs back into the happy, powerful man he was when I met him. He takes both of my hands in his and pulls me close to him.
“I would've waited forever for you,” he says, placing his forehead on mine. “But I’m so fucking glad I don't have to.”
“This may sound crazy,” I say. “But I think I’ve fallen for you, Nolan.”
He smiles the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen as he replies, “You have. I know because I’ve fallen for you, too.”
My face can barely fit the massive smile that takes over my mouth just before Nolan leans in to kiss me. Our lips touch as our tongues collide, and all the drama washes away.
I’m not here for work anymore. He’s not talking to me in response to questions asked. We’re together because we’ve chosen to be. We’re here because our hearts refuse to be separate from one another, and every cell in my body knows I’ll never go back to who I was again.
Old Bree is no longer in the depths of my stomach watching as New Bree takes over. Old Bree is gone for good, faded to eternal black, and all that’s left are the best parts of me—the parts that desire nothing more than to be his.
Two Months Later
Epilogue
