Page 66 of Interview with a Sadist
ChapterForty-One
~ NOLAN ~
It has been a week since I’ve seen Bree, but it didn't take me seven days to understand why she’d need time to herself. The situation with Maddy was traumatic to say the least, and I don't know how I could’ve been so stupid. I knew Maddy had shown up to Bree’s apartment, and that she’d even slept in the parking lot over the weekend, but it never crossed my mind to search the parking lot for her the night I slept at Bree’s place. Like an idiot, I had gone straight to Maddy’s apartment, then straight back to Bree’s. I was so hyped up about spending time at Bree’s place that I never truly registered the threat that was Maddy. I didn't really think she would do anything violent, and in hindsight, I realize how dumb that was.
Maybe that’s why the thought stayed in the back of my mind as I left Bree’s apartment the day Maddy attacked her. That morning, I left with a satisfied smile on my face after a magical night of making her pass out and soak her own couch. I was riding high, but when I left to make sure the club was locked up and to get coffee and breakfast for us, there was a tickling in the back of my brain—a thought that I couldn't shake away as I drove from place to place. It sat in my gut like a rock, telling me that I hadn't been thorough in my search for Maddy. I didn't know what to make of the thought until I was parking my car in Bree’s lot. Then it hit me right in the face as I was walking while holding our coffee in one hand, and a bag of food in the other. Instead of going straight inside, I decided to search the lot and only had to check one row of cars before I saw it. Maddy’s car.
I dropped the coffee and food onto the concrete and darted inside to find the door was locked, which was weird. I didn't lock it when I left because I wouldn't have been able to get back in if I returned and Bree was still asleep. That was all the sign I needed, and I threw the entirety of my weight at the door twice to get it open.
Seeing Maddy on top of Bree with a pillow over her face sank my stomach to the bottoms of my feet, but I didn't have time to gawk. I acted as fast as I could and was lucky enough to save Bree’s life, but the trauma had already been done, and saving her wouldn't erase it. She needed time after it was all said and done, so I swallowed my pride and desire to be with her every day, and gave her the space she needed.
When Maddy was charged with false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, and attempted murder, I wondered if I’d hear from Bree, but she stayed silent for another few days. I didn't hear from her until this morning when I woke up to a text asking if I wanted to meet her at Fairmount Park. I could've jumped through the ceiling I was so excited, but I remained calm and typed out a relaxed, “Of course.” Now, as I walk toward her sitting at a table in the park, I have to focus on keeping my cool again. Seven days without seeing her has been brutal, but I understand the seriousness of this moment and try to keep myself together.
Bree sits at the table wearing black pants and a white hoodie. Her hair shifts with each gust of wind and her makeup is subtle, but there’s no stopping those blue eyes from being mesmerizing. They sparkle beneath the light of the sun, and she glows with no effort needed. When I approach, she gets up to meet me, pulling me into a hug that I wish would last longer and be followed by a kiss, but neither happens. We sit on opposite sides of the wooden table, our hands in the center, close but not touching. I want our greeting to be so much more than this, but she almost died because of me. I’ll never forgive myself for that, so I understand if she doesn't forgive me either.
“Hi,” she begins, looking a little sheepish as her eyes fixate on a splinter on the table.
She fiddles with it instead of looking at me, as if making eye contact will be enough to crumble the walls she has obviously built around herself.
“Hi. How are you?” I reply, noticing the splinter but keeping my gaze on her since she’s the only thing in this park I want to see.
“I’m okay,” she says. “Sorry I haven't texted or anything. It’s been a pretty rough week.”
“You don't have to apologize. I understand. I’m just glad you decided to today. Is everything okay? How’s work going?”
Bree’s eyes never leave the splinter. “It’s fine I guess. I haven't been to work since … it happened. After Chase found out what went down, he gave me an extension on the story. When I go back next week, he’s going to expect the draft from me, and I don't know what to do about that, but that’s my cross to bear. I’ll figure it out.”
I want to place my hands around hers, both for my comfort and hers. I want her to know that I’m here if and when she ever wants or needs me, but I don't know how to say that without it sounding like I’m disregarding her emotions and thinking about myself after the ordeal she just suffered. This is about me because it involves me, but it’s not really about me or what I want. It’s about Bree and how she feels, so I shut down my own feelings and try to figure how to help her find peace in hers.
“I’m sure Chase understands that you’ve been through something extreme,” I say, trying to keep the topic centered around her work instead of us. “He’ll stay patient and give you all the time you need. If he doesn’t, just tell him we haven't finished discussing it yet. I’m sure he’ll back off after that, and if he still doesn’t, just let me know and I’ll handle it.”
“That won’t be necessary,” Bree snips quickly. “I can handle Chase. It’s everything else in my life that I can’t handle right now. Everything has felt so heavy since all of that shit went down. I can barely spend time in my own apartment because I keep thinking about the chain of events leading up to the moment your ex walked through the door and hit me in the head with a tire iron. Even now, when I’m trying not to get caught up in thoughts about that day, it still consumes me. I should've known I couldn't see you without being wrapped up in what happened, but … I wanted to see you, so it was a risk I was willing to take.”
“Do you regret it now?” I ask. Bree finally raises her eyes to meet mine, and we maintain eye contact. “Now that I’m here and you can see me, do you regret texting me to meet you?”
Bree sighs as her eyes fill up with tears that never fall.
“No,” she says softly. “I’ve missed you, Nolan, but I feel lost after all of this. I was just a quiet little girl before, hidden safely within the walls of my cautious life. Sure, maybe I was closed-minded and miserable, but I didn't know it. I thought I was happy. At least until I met you. You swooped in like a gigantic gust of wind that rocked and rattled my life, knocking everything over and revealing my unhappiness. You showed me what was lying beneath my comfort, and I was never able to put anything back in its place. You fucking ruined everything, Nolan, and now I feel more lost than ever.
"Being around you and your friends showed me how horrible mine were, so Melissa and Teagan are out of my life for good. I still have Octavia, who’s ten times better than anything I had before, but our friendship flourishing the way it is still feels new to me, too. Everything has been pulled up by the root, and there’s no putting it back. I’m just floating in space with nowhere to go now.”
The atmosphere is engulfed by silence after she gets it all out. It’s difficult figuring out how to respond when someone tells you that you practically ruined their life. It hurts, but I deserve it.
“Look,” she begins again, and I brace myself for the onslaught of emotions that are already threatening to ruin me mentally. “I didn't ask you to come here just to breathlessly tell you how much everything has changed since we met. I called you here because I desperately wanted to see you. I wanted to hear your voice and smell your scent. I just wanted to be around you, and I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. Even though we were having sex all the time, we also formed a friendship in our time together, and you want to rant to your friends, so that’s what I’m doing. I apologize if it feels like an attack.”
“It’s fine. I deserve it, Bree,” I say, and when she doesn't refute it, I know she agrees. “I should've been more cautious with the situation. You deserved to know that the person I was telling stories about in our first interviews was Maddy. I should've told you that we had been together and that it didn’t really end amicably, and I definitely should've told you that she’d been trying to spark up a new flame with me at the time you showed up at the club. I was dumb, reckless, and selfish for keeping that from you. It almost cost you everything, and I’m sorry, Bree. Truly.”
She stares at me, her eyes still misting over. “Yeah, it would've been nice to know that she was the Little One. Then again, maybe I should've put it together from the way she was acting. I was reckless, too, because I was so in awe of you. I disregarded Maddy, and if I regret anything at all, it’s that I didn't recognize a woman in pain—a woman who deserved the time and space she needed to heal from whatever you two had before I showed up. I wouldn't have been in her face like that if I had considered that she was hurting. So, you're not the only one at fault. We both should've been more sensitive to her situation.”
“Yes, you're right,” I admit, before we’re overtaken by silence again.
The breeze flows through Bree’s hair, sweeping it up and forcing her to comb through it with her fingers. She looks so elegant performing such a minuscule gesture that it gives me chills. I’ve come to adore everything about her, and I know that leaving this park is about to be like jumping from a bridge without a bungee cord. I know I’m going to fall and hit the ground below, splattering my happiness all over the concrete.
“The last thing I want to do is make you have to relive the trauma of what happened,” I say. I inch my hands closer to hers but don't let them touch. “So, please take all the time you need to heal, Bree, even if that means you never call me again. Yes, that would fucking suck, but I would understand and would have no hard feelings. No one should ever have to experience what you went through last week, and I’m sorry it happened. If you ever want to talk to me again, just call me and I’ll be there. No matter the time.
“I just want you to know that I have very strong feelings for you,” I go on, finally feeling brave enough to reach out and wrap my hands around hers, cupping them inside of mine. “Everything that I’ve never wanted with anyone else, I want it with you. I've always been about the lifestyle, embracing my kinks and focusing solely on them. I never wanted a public, affectionate relationship where we hold hands and kiss in front of people. With you, I want all those things. I want to flaunt you in front of the entire world and show them all that you're mine. I want everyone to know we belong to each other. We’ve been through a lot, and saying this doesn't help in any way, but I needed to say it. I’ll give you all the time you need, but I had to say that first. Okay?”
The tears in Bree’s eyes finally break through the dam and begin to fall, streaking down her beautiful cheeks as she takes a deep breath and lets it out.
