Page 59 of Interview with a Sadist
“Not stalking,” she says, still so calm it’s baffling. “I just wanted to talk to you, but it took me some time to build up the confidence to do it. I don't know you, and I imagine your impression of me isn't good, seeing as how you came to the club at a time when I was beginning to struggle with the fact that Nolan and I wouldn't be getting back together. That realization has been hard,and done things to my state of mind that I never thought could happen to me, yet here I am. Nolan broke me, and trying to recover from that has been harder than I ever imagined.”
The alarmed look on my face suddenly shifts to one of confusion. I furrow my brow and tilt my head. “What do you mean he broke you?”
Maddy’s eyes drop down to the ground, where they remain as she relives whatever memories are flashing before her eyes.
“Nolan has always been the perfect combination of good guy and bad boy. He’s chivalrous and kind while also being brutal. As I’m sure you’ve learned by now, he loves to cause pain, and I used to love letting him inflict it on me. I didn't do it because I’m a masochist. I did it because I loved that he enjoyed doing it to me. It gave me immense pleasure to know I was giving him the thing he wanted, which was to make me bleed and leave me writhing in agony every day. He loved hurting me, and I loved him for it, but he couldn't give me the thing I actually did want.”
“Which was?” I ask, suddenly hooked into her story.
“To be public,” Maddy admits. “He had no problem doing what we did in private, but when I wanted him to admit to the world that I was his woman, he suddenly lost his voice. I wanted him to be loud about me, and I wanted him to do it in the place where he’s revered the most. The Black Collar. In that club, Nolan is a god. His ability to bring people in and accept who they are, while also running the place with an iron fist has made him the leader and advocate for the lifestyle we’ve all wanted. He’s our best representative, and everyone who goes to the club knows it. Every woman there wants him, and every man wants to be like him.”
“I highly doubt that. It’s possible to appreciate someone without wanting to sleep with them,” I argue, but Maddy slides right past me.
“I wanted them all to know,” she says, her jaw suddenly tightening. “It wasn’t enough that Ethan and Jackson knew how he fucked me behind closed doors. I wanted our world to know. I wanted to be front and center at the place we loved most, and he wouldn't do it, so I threw myself at him even more. I thought that if I gave him more, he’d want me, and my way to do that was to feed his sadism. I cut myself for him. I bled for him. I asked him to cut me, to torture me until I cried, to hang me until I passed out at the bottom of the rope and resuscitate me afterwards. I told him to break one of my fingers or toes, or to hit me until he knocked me unconscious—whatever it took to make him happy. I asked him to go all out, but suddenly I was doingtoo much. All of a sudden, I was taking thingstoo farfor him. Him! A fucking sadist!
"I was only doing it because I loved him so much, and he abruptly didn’t want anything to do with me. He told me I scared him. How? He was the one who’d causedmeso much physical pain. He wasn't afraid of me, he was scared of how much I loved him, and he broke it off with me while I was at the peak of that love.
"How did he think I would respond? Of course I showed up to his house after that. Of course I snuck into his office, stripped off my clothes and cut my palms so they would bleed onto his floor. He loved my blood before, but not now? Bullshit! I bled for him, and he wouldn't even tell the world he was with me. How fucking unfair.”
Tears form in Maddy’s eyes, and I can tell she’s not putting on an act for me. The way she feels about Nolan, regardless of how extreme it is, is very real to her. A tear dives to the ground, and when she sees the wetness on the floor, she sniffs and looks up at me, finally coming back to the reality around us.
I’m not sure what to say. Hearing about her relationship with Nolan wasn’t how I planned on starting my morning, but learning just how far she was willing to take things has me reeling. She asked him to hang her. That’s a level of dedication, commitment, and ridiculousness I’ve never heard of before. It’s no wonder Nolan ended it, but when someone is willing to go that far, you have to consider how they’ll react if you break it off. Obviously, Nolan hasn’t thought enough about it, because keeping her employed at his club was a terrible idea. She already thinks every woman in the place wants to fuck him, and adding me to the mix could certainly be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
“Maddy,” I try to begin, but the rest of the sentence evades me.
“He’s going to break you, too,” she suddenly says. “It probably feels great right now, doesn’t it? Him, dragging you upstairs to his office, knowing it’s in the back of the VIP section where I work every night. Rubbing it in my face. You love it, don’t you? Fucking him in the same office I fucked him in so many times? The way he hits you? The way he degrades you and makes you feel powerful at the same time? It’s intoxicating, isn’t it? Well, if you think it all feels intense now, just wait until you realize he doesn't actually care about you. Wait until it finally hits you that he doesn't give a fuck, and that he’ll always keep you hidden from that precious little world he created. You just wait, Bree. If you don't get out now, you’ll end up just like me. Broken.”
I swallow hard, inadvertently pushing all of my responses down into the pit of my stomach. Anxiety bubbles up in my belly until it comes up in my throat and gives me heartburn, making me feel sick with tension and fear. Maddy, on the other hand, looks satisfied that she has affected me. She finally smirks before wiping it away and clearing her throat. She straightens up her stance and looks me in the eye.
“Maybe I'm wrong,” she says, slowly turning on her heel. “Maybe you and Nolan will work out just fine. If that’s the case … at least I know where you live.”
With that final veiled threat, Maddy turns around and walks away.
ChapterThirty-Six
When I pull up to the club on my lunch break, Nolan, Ethan, and Jackson are walking inside without a care in the world. The club was closed last night, and the three of them enjoyed a day of football and drinks together, before having a relaxing evening and waking up to a quiet morning with birds chirping and the sun shining. None of them had a crazy stalker sitting outside their apartment, sleeping in the car like a complete psycho. They laugh together as they saunter toward the door, unlock it, and step over the threshold into their world of safety. It must be nice to be so carefree, and not be threatened first thing in the morning.
I spent the entire morning fuming about what happened with Maddy. As I sat at my desk, my coffee got cold and my stomach rumbled while Chase eyed me from his office, wondering why I wasn’t working on the story that’s due in forty-eight hours. Even as I felt the burning sensation of his eyes peering into me, I still couldn't bring myself to think about what to say about Nolan, because his ex was just standing at the bottom of my steps and reminding me that she knows where I live.
How do I write about how awesome Nolan and the club are when I’ve just been told that he will leave me high and dry? Where do I find the words to write an amazing story after the morning I had? So, I just fucking sat there thinking about all of it, glancing up at the clock every few minutes, and counting down the seconds until my lunch break just so I can get to where I am right now—speed walking through the unlocked doors of The Black Collar with fire spewing from my eyes.
When I get inside, the boys are seated on the stools around the bar. Ethan has the drawer from the register displayed on the bartop, counting money as Jackson reviews receipts and Nolan scans a large stack of documents. They seem to be in business mode now, and it doesn't look like a good time to interrupt what they have going on, but I’m too pissed to think straight.
“Nolan,” I bark, and all three heads snap over to me as I stomp down the hall and into the expansive room. “Why didn't you tell me about you and Maddy? Why didn't you warn me?”
Nolan doesn't move a muscle. He doesn't even put the stack of papers down, choosing to look at me over the top of it instead, which only makes me madder.
“Bree?” he says, obviously confused by my presence. “What are you talking about?”
“Don't play stupid with me, Nolan,” I snap, pointing my finger directly in his face as I step close to him, completely doused in rage and fear. “You could've told me that you and Maddy dated, and that it didn't end well. You could've told me that she was in love with you, and you broke it off with her when you knew she was showing signs of being out of her fucking mind. You could've told me she was unstable.”
Nolan clears his throat and finally places the stack of papers down on the bar, while E and J look on in silence. I don't bother to glance at either of them, because I can see them both staring at me with wide eyes out of my peripheral vision. When Nolan turns back around to face me, he doesn't look angry or defensive. He’s calm and collected as usual, with obvious concern in his eyes.
“I hear what you're saying,” he begins. “The only problem is that I don't know what you're referring to. Idounderstand that Maddy has some issues that she needs to work out, and I’ve been trying to help her with that, but she doesn't want my help in the only way I can give it to her. She wants it in …otherways—ways that are unacceptable to me. So, since she won’t accept the counseling I told her I was willing to pay for, I won’t attempt to force it on her. That’s where I stand with Maddy right now.
“As for the relationship we had, I didn't tell you because it’s been over for months. I’ve moved on, and I hoped she would, too. I don't have any lingering feelings—bad or good—and I’m not the kind of person who likes to talk about the people I used to be with. I wasn't going to talk shit about my ex to you, Bree, so I chose not to say anything. That’s my explanation for everything you just said. Now, I need you to explain what happened that made you burst through the door with your hair on fire.”
My frustration threatens to deflate because of how calmly he provided an explanation, but the experience was too intense to let it go just like that.
