Page 85 of Hesi-Dating
"Was it totally about Nosh? Or were you scared for yourself?"
She swallowed hard but remained silent.
"Why are we even arguing, Joley?"
"You're the one who dragged me out here."
"That's the problem. We never had a relationship. We had a few episodes that were no more than hookups in your book, right? It obviously meant more to me than you. If you wanted something meaningful, we would've made decisions together out of trust and partnership. You made all the decisions and kept me on the outside, which made it easy for you to walk away."
"It wasn't like that," she shot back, her voice rising. "I was protecting both of us because the minute I met you I knew you could ruin me. Everything about you—from your animal-loving heart to your voice to the way you wear your hat—I knew it'd ruin me for anyone after you. I needed to protect myself and you from me."
"That's not how a relationship works." How had they gotten here in this moment? So angry at each other? And over a relationship that hadn't really been much of one?
"I protected you. I always said I wasn't ready or in it for something longer than one night." She pushed a hand against my chest. "I protected you from that psycho and from my fucked-up inability to handle a relationship. I love you, but I'm damaged goods. You don't deserve someone as messed up as me. You need someone better. Someone whole. You did help me piece some parts of myself back together and feel a sense of worth beyond what I could do in bed. For that, I'm thankful."
I heaved for breath, trying to contain my rage at her making a unilateral decision that we were a no-go. And that she had no sense of how amazing she was. "Why can't you see youareworthy? It doesn't matter, though, does it? We're both moving on."
"If it doesn't matter then why do you care now? If none of this mattered, why are we out here? Are you trying to hurt me because I hurt you? If so, then well done."
"I am hurting you?" I gritted out. "Do you know what it did to me when you shut me out? For you to turn me away at the hospital and then change phone numbers so I couldn't communicate with you? I did everything out of a desire to get you free so you could live instead of feeling stifled by Nosh and his gang. I wanted you to be able to make decisions about your love life without worrying what a gang leader might think. It hurt when Kara left me, but nothing like this. Istillthink about you, about your lips on me. And I dream about us." I stepped closer to her, closing the space between us. "But you don't have those feelings, do you, Joley? Because I was the one who was always all in and you were one foot out. Always running."
"Stop insulting me." She pushed against my chest. "Stop treating the feelings I had as meaningless." She pushed against me one more time, but this time I caught her hand against me. That small touch sent a bolt of lust through me.
Gently, I pushed back her dress to see the scar on her shoulder where she'd been shot. I leaned forward and kissed it. "I'm sorry I wasn't there in time."
"Stop—" She sucked in a deep breath when I wrapped my other hand around her waist to pull her closer.
"Stop what? Pushing you into admitting you made a mistake by running from me? Perhaps the biggest mistake of your life?"
She stared up at me with those unfathomable gray eyes swirling with emotion.
"Admit it, Joley."
"Why should I admit I made a mistake? So you can claim victory?"
I didn't reply. I could rein in my ego to a point, but she'd run me over with a semi-truck and expected me to be hunky dory about it when I wasn't. So, yeah, I kind of wanted to win.
"No." She shook her head. "I won't admit I made a mistake when I didn't."
"If you won't admit you made a mistake, then tell me…do you still have feelings for me?"
I moved my head close to her lips. Her chest heaved. I could feel the panting breaths from her mouth on my lips. The air seemed to swell and still around us.
The question hung in the air.
Her gaze turned guarded. "If I say yes, then what are you going to do? Laugh in my face and walk off?"
Did she really think so little of me?"I'm not trying to prove you wrong."
I let go of her to run a finger along the fine edge of her jaw. Her skin was so smooth and soft. God, I'd missed her so much that it hurt to be this close. I couldn't resist. I leaned in and touched my lips to hers. The first was a soft kiss, but then I deepened it. Her hands moved up my back to grip the back of my neck and pull me in deeper. She clung to me like I was her lifeline and if she let go, she'd die.
Memories flashed through my head. Us eating donuts at the 7-Eleven. Us at that wedding. Us at the barn. It was like a memory wheel on fast forward. I missed her. I mourned for what could've been.
I pulled away when the kiss forced me to come up for air. Somehow we'd ended up with her pressed against the wall. Fear prickled along my neck. Even if this scorched right now, she'd run again. She wasn't ever going to let me in.
Her face paled as if in shock over what she'd done, and she stepped back. "Fuck," she said under her breath. "Seth?—"
"I swear, Joley, if you say we shouldn't have done that, I going to lose my motherfucking mind."
