Page 48 of Hesi-Dating
I didn't remember reaching for him again but found my hand cradling the back of his neck to pull him closer until our bodies were flush. What was tentative became more explorative as his tongue teased mine. The kisses turned electric. By the time I realized I needed air and pulled away to tug in oxygen, I found myself backed against the wall.
As each of us fought to breathe, the deep hunger in his gaze held me captive. He had one hand touching my waist and the other bracing against the wall. I'd seen many different people in Seth. The responsible sheriff and leader. The vulnerable recent divorcee. The best friend who'd be there to bury a body if asked. The alarmed pet parent. But this man was different. This was the real Seth, raw and caring and possessive. And passionate. I liked this Seth the best.
I snagged the opening of his shirt to pull him in to me. He grinned as he bent to obey. This time it was me who did the devouring. Me who pushed this to be frantic and desperate with the drive to have him deep inside me.
He hooked my legs to pull them up to wrap his waist. My dress hiked up and he pressed his core against mine. Already a bit short on oxygen, stars swam in my head at the contact. His hands followed the hem of my dress to trace a path up my thighs. Tremors triggered off through my body. My breasts ached against the confining fabric, desperate to be sucked. Beyond that, my whole body was on fire in a way I'd never felt, and that was saying a lot since I believed myself to have experienced just about everything possible with sex.
I raked my hands through his hair. The thicker, longer locks on top provided enough to grab onto, and yet he kept it shorter on the sides and back. He leaned in and kissed me ferociously, as if I was necessary to keep him alive. As if I was the reason for his existence. Perhaps, that was all in my head. Maybe it was me pouring my heart into this when I never allowed that desiccated organ to become involved before.
Damn it, the man had wriggled himself in there because I let him be a friend. I shouldn't have. Amber had been right. In the moment, even while terrified, I let myself get lost in sensation. Losing myself to passion was familiar. That was safe. Feelings were dangerous.
"As much as I'd love to bang this out against the wall… I need space to love you." He scooped me into his arms and carried me to a bed that smelled of him. Of course, the bed was made and room orderly. Most of it was probably the housekeeper, but I suspected he made his bed every day. There weren't piles of books or junk in the bookcase. Each shelf was precisely aligned. That was the kind of person he was. Everything in order. Details taken care of. So opposite of me who'd left my sheets half-ass made with a cover thrown over. I didn't use the flat sheet since I was too lazy to pull it back up after it bunched up down by my feet.
With a mixture of sadness and relief I deduced this would never work long-term, even if we had that as an option. I'd heard it was the little things like sheets and towels that killed relationships. Not that I knew since I'd never been able to have a successful one that lasted more than two weeks. That one had been back in high school when where to sit at lunch had been one of our biggest decisions as a couple.
I helped him undo the little belt at my waist and shimmied out of my dress. He didn't dump it on the floor like 99% of my hookups. He draped it over the edge of the bed.
Now in my underwear and heels, a silly giggle escaped me. "Youarea heels man."
"I didn't know I was until you planted the thought in my head. Thinking I might be. You have the most incredible legs." He ran a hand from my outer thigh down to a calf.
"You have far too many clothes on."
"If I take them off right now, I'll rush this. Then it won't be memorable."
He resumed kissing me. When his hand moved to touch my breast I said, "Wait."
"Sorry. Too fast?" He lifted his hands away.
"No." I grabbed his shirt, already missing his touch and intensity. "That's not it."
"Then what?" He threaded his fingers with mine.
This man made my heart flip. Had any man ever been so cautious of me? No. Most cared little for what I thought as they fucked. Not this man. This…him…all of it scared the hell out of me. This was loving, not two people grasping for a quick orgasm.
I drew in a shaky breath. "I want you to know this is different. For me. I've been with…a fair share of men. Most were for the wrong reasons. This is different. I hurt most of the people I'm with, but I don't want to hurt you. Can you promise to take care of your heart if we do this? Keep it safe from me?"
Understanding crossed his face. His eyebrows rose. "Okay."
That wasn't at all convincing. From what I knew about him, he was one hundred percent committed to this and to me. Somewhere deep inside I wanted that from this man. I adored it about him. I hadn't ever wanted that kind of devotion from anyone else, although there'd been a long line of men willing to give everything to me.
"Why do you feel like you hurt people?" he asked.
"Because I do. I'm going to leave. It's inevitable. It'll be too soon for you, and you'll be hurt. Then we won't be friends anymore. You'll start sending me texts calling me names."
He leaned in to kiss my forehead. Then he trickled kisses down my face to my neck. "I'd never call you names. Why do you run? Why do you force yourself to hurt people?"
His mouth was doing distracting things to my neck.
"Did some ex hurt you, Joley?"
My stomach squeezed in reaction to my name said hoarsely in that voice now gravely with lust. "You don't want to know the reason I can't be with you beyond right now…tonight. I'm a screwed-up foster kid. Things happened. It's all me."
He leaned away to stare me in the eyes. "I want to say we can ignore the past and those kinds of heavy things, just go with the moment, but it matters. Everything in your past made you into who you are now."
"I don't want to be your rebound. I want to be the one after the rebound. The one that means something."I want this so much.
"Sounds like we both need healing. Then we can know we can do this and do it different than all those before." He kissed along my collarbone. "This means something to me. If we keep going, I need to know it means something special to you too."
