Page 19 of Hesi-Dating
Before I could answer, he hung up.
Way back, in high school and before, our relationship hadn't been like this. He'd been protective like Bruno and Marino. Once he started the Crips, he became deadened inside. Things between us got creepy scary with his obsession for control. He came by in person or called every few months to remind me to keep the secrets of our past to myself.
"You gotta stay clear of that sheriff," Bruno warned.
I forced a smile and nodded. My heart hammered against my ribcage, a painful thrumming that shortened my breaths.Stop thinking about that day. The blood.
But I couldn't, so I ran.
Inside my room I leaned back against the door. In the quiet with only myself and my breaths in my ears, images swam in my head. Nosh's voice had always been toxic to me. The sound of it transported me back to that day. Back to things I wanted to forget. And things forgotten.
Hands ripping my clothes off. A tongue forced into my mouth. A gunshot. Blood. So much blood.
A primal scream scratched at my throat, threatening to let loose. Afraid I couldn't keep it contained, I ran for the bed and buried my face in a pillow. When the scream didn't come, I curled myself into a tight ball and waited.
Waited for my heart to slow. For my breaths to even out. For the room to stop spinning. For the memories to go back to their faraway place where they couldn't torture me.
I grabbed my head and moaned. I tried to think of something else. Anything else.
Someone curled beside me on the bed and smoothed my hair.
Amber whispered, "You're not back there. You'll never be there again."
I didn't know how long I waited or how long she stayed with me. Once I could breathe evenly again, I knew I should cry. It was the right reaction, but the tears wouldn't come. They never came when memories of that night hit me.
I sat up and scooted to rest my back against the headboard. Amber copied me. She'd just dyed her hair with red streaks over blonde highlights. The strength in her eyes asked if I was okay without saying it out loud.
"Yeah," I croaked out. "I'm okay."
There was a pause and a bit of uncertainty in the look she gave me. "You sure, Jo? This happens every time he calls. I hate that he causes this, even if he did pull you out of that mess and called 9-1-1 that day."
"Technically a neighbor called 9-1-1 first." I wished I could tell her the full truth of that day. It hadn't been the first time our foster mom's boyfriend attacked me, nor the first time he hurt Nosh. Nosh told me the boyfriend shot my foster mom, but I couldn't remember. There was a blank in my head about the whole thing. I hadn't shot the man attacking me out of self-defense. Nosh had. But he made me tell the police I had done the shooting in self-defense. The incident happened six months before I ended up in the home with Amber, Marino, and Bruno. I wanted to tell Amber everything, but I couldn't. No one could know the truth. Nosh made me swear. Even back then he'd been scary when he demanded I do something. He had the power to make me believe he'd have no problem making me suffer if I didn't agree, and then he'd hug me like a long-lost sister. He had held his "rescue" over my head as leverage ever since.
"I'm glad you're here." I leaned in to put my head on her shoulder. She was more a mom to me than anyone else in my life, even if she was my age. "I wouldn't be where I am now if you hadn't found me while you were in vet school. I'd have OD'd on drugs or ended up on the streets as a dead Jane Doe. Dancing in that club wasn't taking me anywhere good."
"You're too smart for that. You'd never have OD'd. You would've turned to Nosh for a job or safety, which scares me. You might've gone to work for his organization. That's what would've killed you."
"Maybe." We sat in the heavy silence for a bit. "I thought I had this shit under control. But I hear his voice and all I can see is the blood." I curled my pointer finger to press the nail into my thumb until it hurt. That was a hurt I could control. I could start it and stop it. It was a better pain than the invisible one that took over when I remembered. I couldn't stop that or fix it.
I never understood why Nosh remained paranoid I'd spill my side of the story to someone. I wouldn't talk even if I could remember the day clearly. Seemed at this point like a drop in the bucket of bodies that the Red Crips had left in its wake, but for some mysterious reason in Nosh's brain hiding the truth of two murders long ago remained critical. I suspected he didn't want me to tell anyone what the boyfriend had done to him before that night of death. "It's more than Nosh. I've been having trouble lately, feeling lost."
"Lost in what way?"
"You know I'm a person who has trouble managing sex," I admitted with a small laugh that came off uneasy.
"I know. You have more one-night stands than I have nail polish colors. I do love my colors."
"It used to make me feel good and that was fine. I never wanted strings or…" The word strangled on my tongue.
Amber whispered, "Intimacy? A relationship?"
I nodded. "Didn't want any sort of connection."
"And now?"
"I don't know. Sex alone, no matter how good, doesn't feel like enough." I shook my head, shocked at the words. I hadn't even admitted this to myself until now. "I'm not sure I'm ready for what's involved with havingenough. I don't think I can handle feeling more. Not yet. I don't know that I can share myself with another person. Every adult I grew up with got hurt or killed by the man in her life. All the things those three women did for a man…"
"It's not your fault that woman died," Amber whispered. "It was her boyfriend. Her choice of person to bring into your lives."
