Page 23 of You, Me, & Après-Ski
My brother’s voice was tense. “She doesn’t know where we live now and we haven’t had contact with her since she went to prison the lasttime. But Juan’s still in the same school. I didn’t want to pull him out again since he’d just transferred before the Hal incident.”
I gripped the edge of the counter until wood chips splintered off into my hands. “How is Juanito?”
“He still thinks Antonella is sick and had to go for a long stay at the doctor’s.” Aka, rehab. That would be our mom’s fourth time. Being in prison, she’d had to get clean from heroin. But there were other things she could get while inside. Pills, opioids, whatnot. My blood boiled. She’d never be clean, even if she stopped using. Her hands were forever bloodstained.
“She wasn’t supposed to get out yet,” I said. “How do you know?”
“She called from an unknown number and left a message.”
“Are you going to tell Juanito?”
“I’m already his legal guardian so there’s no reason Antonella needs to be involved.” Diego sighed, and I could imagine him pulling at his wavy hair. “I don’t want to shake up his life like that again. I don’t trust her, and I sure as fuck don’t trust Hal.”
“I agree. Do what you think is best for him. You always have. Juan is lucky to have you.”
“Juan is lucky to haveus. Thank you for everything you do for him,mana.He’s too young to get it, but when he’s older, he’ll understand why you were away so much.”
Tears pricked at my eyes. Thinking of Juanito growing up without me there to experience each and every little moment or milestone made my heart crack. “The meds are still working?”
“Sí, mana.We’ve got it handled. Don’t worry so much. I love you.”
“I love you. Talk soon.”
I hung up, a boulder forming in my stomach. Antonella was out of prison. If she went back to Sun Valley, she’d no doubt find my brothers,especially if Hal told her about Juan’s school. An uneasy feeling threaded through my veins. I hadn’t seen my mother since she was carted off to prison for illegal drug use and a DUI when I was eighteen. Luckily, Diego had been home from college for his senior year spring break, so I hadn’t had to face the cops alone or handle a newborn Juanito by myself. I’d gotten a scholarship to a program in sustainable food systems at the community college, but I’d deferred for two years to help raise Juanito.
With an aggravated sigh, I grabbed my new snowboard and headed to my room to gather myself before my cooking lesson with Nolan.This is all too much.A panic attack swirled in the back of my mind, an impending storm that would rupture in a deluge at any moment.
To de-escalate things, I lit a lavender candle, then collapsed onto the mountain of fluffy pillows on my bed, gluing my gaze to the cork board crammed with pictures. A photo of my Never Summer that I’d printed from the internet, Inca terrace farms in Peru, lo’i kalo in Hawaii, massive rooftop hydroponic systems—my eyes traced them all like familiar friends. My vision board. Reminders of what I wanted to do with my life. If I could envision it, I could do it. Or that’s what I kept telling myself.
I often lacked the courage to take the plunge into the unknown because that required confidence in myself and that everything would be okay—two things my anxiety did not allow me to have. I’d let so many of my dreams wither and wilt on the vine, always too afraid to grasp them. With Antonella back out in the world, it sparked an old fuse of fear that I thought I’d dealt with years ago. It reminded me of my failures, reminded me of how weak I’d been. How weak and lost I still felt sometimes.
My vision board was a suggestion from my therapist as a way to subliminally encourage myself to go for my goals and believe in myself. I didn’t know if it was working or not, but I did get my Never Summer. Maybe one day, I would graduate from local volunteer at the farmersmarket to running my own farming operation. If I ever stopped being afraid.
But I put my anxious thoughts on hold—I could schedule time to have a good worry session later—and went to my small closet to inspect my limited wardrobe for something appropriate to wear tonight. I had to get myself together. Seeing Nolan already scattered my wits enough; I didn’t need to go in there all pre-scrambled up. No more tank tops, I decided. Not after the way he looked at me the other night. But no long sleeves either, since we’d be cooking and I didn’t want to drag my sweater through sauce or have to constantly push up my sleeves all night.
Resting my head against the doorframe with a sigh, I resigned myself to my fate.
I had nothing to wear.
As if I’d summoned her, the door to my room burst open and Frankie blew in.
“A little birdie told me your not-so-secret admirer got you abrand-spanking-newNever Summer! You’d better watch out or Austin might get jealous.” With a devilish grin, Frankie plopped herself on my chair.
I pulled a black tee shirt from a pile, sniffed it with a frown, then threw it back. “Austin and I are just friends.”
Frankie snorted. “Yeah, Ryan and I are just friends too.” She rolled her eyes at the mention of her on-again, off-again fling with one of the maintenance guys. When it wasn’t Ryan, it was Jerome or Nero. I admired her confidence and ability to go for what she wanted. I could use more of that in my life. “You do realize you’re beautiful and desirable, right? And not just because you have two men chasing after you. You’re those things—and more—all on your own.”
I threw a stray pair of jeans at her but glowed at her compliment. “I donothave two men chasing after me.”
Frankie laughed, tossing my pants aside. “Here, let me help you. I’m sure you’ve been struggling to make up your mind for an hour.”
“It wasn’t anhour,” I protested, but she’d been pretty close, so I took her spot on the chair as she swiped through my meager clothes like the latest dating app.
“Are we going for super sexy or casual sexy?”
“How about zero sexy? Nolan’s engaged, and I’m not trying to have a repeat of the other night.”
Frankie whipped her head toward me with the speed of a fast-pitched softball. “The other night?”
