Page 91 of Charlie and Her Sweet Escape
“Bennett!” he yelled as if the problem was that I just couldn’t hear him. “Trust me. The right decision is to take the money and leave.”
“Orin.” Using his first name seemed to hit him as surely a punch, and he staggered back. “Why in the world would I ever trust you?”
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CHARLIE
Greg wants to get back together. It’s probably because he saw me talking to another guy after class today. We were just exchanging study notes, but Greg gets jealous. He doesn’t always want me, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me either. It’s sweet, when you really think about it.
—from the journal of 18-year-old Charlie Savage
I’d thought being in the wild was hard before, but it was much more difficult by myself.
I huddled into a ball under a layer of scratchy, fragrant moss I’d gathered to act as my blanket. I had the pack under my head as a pillow, and the SAT phone within my line of sight.
Bennett should be here by now. Hours had gone by. The night had gotten so cold, I could see my breath. And I was still lying here in the cave, clinging to hope like I was dangling off the edge of a cliff.
I hadn’t wanted to believe I was going to be here for the night, but once the sky darkened, I realized that even if Bennett arrived, we wouldn’t be able to get back to our shelter safely before dark. I’d made a bed out of moss and curled into it, turned my back to the camera, and allowed myself to cry.
What if Bennett didn’t come?
What if he chose to make his dream come true? It would be easier for him. I wanted to believe he’d never do that to me. That he’d never leave me without money to pay off my mom’s medical bills or abandon me in the woods.
But I’d also wanted to believe Greg was a good guy who loved me enough to fight for me. I’d been wrong then. I could be wrong now. I wasn’t a great judge of character. I believed the best of people, and even though my best friend said it was a good quality, to me it felt like a painful one. A weakness that set me up for constant disappointment and allowed me to let people into my life who hurt and used me before I was discarded for something better.
Bennett wouldn’t do that.
I shivered at a sudden drop in temperature. I scooted farther in, hoping the wind couldn’t reach me there. It was warmer in the cave than it would be if I was outside in the elements, but still not as toasty as having Bennett’s solid body wrapped around mine.
I tried to imagine pressing my nose into his soft neck, his firm arm wrapped around my waist and tugging me close. I breathed in and pretended to smell his woodsy, fire-smoke scent that had become so familiar to me since we’d been out here.
I missed him with an ache I couldn’t describe. Couldn’t even comprehend. But it was real and scary.
A noise sounded from outside the cave. I stopped breathing to listen. Bennett?
I heard a chuffing followed by a long yawn that ended in an almost-growl. I froze. That was not a human sound.
I curled into a tiny ball and whispered under my breath, “Please don’t come into this cave. Please don’t come into this cave.”
It was dark enough that I only saw shadows as something passed the opening. Blood pounded in my ears as it paused and sniffed toward me. Was this the kind of animal where I should hold still? Play dead? Be loud and aggressive in hopes of scaring it off?
After another sniff, it kept walking, and in a glint of moonlight, when the clouds briefly parted, I spotted a bear. It looked like another black bear, which meant if it came back, I needed to try to scare it away.
I dropped my head onto the moss. Having a panic attack wasn’t going to help. Logic wasn’t going to help either.
My breathing grew harsher and more labored until I felt like I was breathing out of a coffee straw. My vision swam, and my whole body shook. One truth ran through my head nonstop, consuming all others that might have sprouted.
I was going to die alone.
Whether now, or later, I was destined to die alone.
No one to call my own. No one to love me. No one to hold my hand or save me a seat or see me across the room and make his way through the crowd to pull me into his arms.
Not even the person who had been with me since I was a cute, innocent teenager wanted to be with me in the end. I gave Greg everything. He couldn’t choose me over his own anger and pride.
Tears slipped from my eyes until my face was wet and sticky from damp moss. I grabbed at my chest and tugged at my shirt as if that would help more air into my lungs. I lost all track of time, and I fought for every single breath I took as an endless mental litany promised a lonely death.
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