Page 76 of Ruin
Wait… What?!
My mouth drops open slightly. “Oh…” I murmur.
I think my brain is glitching.
We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, before he shakes his head.
“You are more than welcome downstairs, Lily. Everyone is comfortable with you being here. Just think about it, okay?”
He doesn’t give me a chance to respond as he turns and walks down the hall. Not back downstairs to join the others, but towards his office.
I sit there for a moment, trying to process exactly what his words meant. He had eluded to having complicated feelings towards me on Saturday night, but I’d never realised what he actually meant by that. Despite the kiss we’d shared years ago, I’d assumed any complicated feelings on his side were to do with me being so inexperienced and our friendship being put at risk by him helping me. Sebastian has always treated me with respect but I thought I was nothing more than his brother’s best friend, and therefore he felt like he needed to take care of me, the same as Daniel.
He’s been holding back from fucking me because he’s worried about his own emotions?
I’m on my feet and moving before I have a fully formed plan. I need him to explain. I need to know if, after all these years, these feelings I have aren’t one sided.
“You can’t just say something like that to me and then walk away. What did you mean, it wouldn’t just be fucking?” I demand, storming intohis office.
I’m surprised when I don’t find him sitting at his desk. He stands in front of the window, his body turned away from the door, pouring himself a rather large glass of whiskey from the drinks cart that I’d honestly just thought was decorative. He isn’t a big drinker - never has been - so to see him pouring such a large glass after our exchange tells me that he’s rattled.
And I want to know why.
He doesn’t turn around immediately, keeping his eyes focused on the glass in front of him. And then he rests both hands on the window sill, sighing as he drops his head down.
“I can’t, Lily.”
I cross my arms and glare at the side of his head, willing him to look at me. “Can’t what? Seriously, Sebastian. I need you to be honest with me right now. I’m getting whiplash from all these mood swings.”
His grip on the window sill tightens, and he lets out a breath. It’s almost like he’s struggling to keep it together, which is so unlike him that I’m worried I’ve pushed him too far.
“You know why,” he finally says, his voice barely louder than a whisper.
He still won’t look at me. As though looking me in the eye would break him.
If I was a less selfish person, I’d stop pushing.
But I need to hear the words from him, no matter how much it might push him over the edge.
“I really don’t. Because last weekend, you told me you don’t do emotions when it comes to sex. I thought that meant you didn’t do feelings, period? And now you’re telling me you can’t fuck me because it wouldn’t just be sex for you?”
He swings around, his eyes blazing, and if it had been anyone else looking at me like this, I would have recoiled.
“I keep hurting you because of who I am.” The anguish inhis expression would be heartbreaking if I wasn’t so fucking annoyed.
I raise my chin, refusing to back down. Refusing to allow him to continue to cast himself as the villain in my story.
“The only time you’ve hurt me since you came back into my life was when I realised that you can’t seem to bring yourself to actually be the one fucking me. Yes, you’ve been responsible for some of the most earth shattering orgasms I’ve ever experienced, but when it comes to the actual act ofyourcock enteringmypussy, you’ve made damn sure that doesn’t happen.”
“Because if I let myself fuck you, Lily… It will ruin me.” His tone is pleading, despite the fire in his eyes that continues burning as he advances towards me. “Because everything you’ve been through… A man like me is the opposite of what you need. You need someone who will put you first and worship you. Who can commit himself entirely to you. I don’t work that way, Lily. I can’t do monogamy, I’m just not wired that way.”
He stops in front of me and slides his hand along my jaw before weaving his fingers into my hair and gripping the back of my head, forcing me to hold his gaze. Not that I would have been able to look away, even if I wanted to.
“I already told you, I don’t want that,” I tell him, growing frustrated. “Why are you refusing to believe that I know what I want?”
He looks like he’s holding in a growl as the fingers at the back of my head tighten their grip. “Because you have no idea what you are asking.”
“What exactly do you think I’m asking for? I have never once asked for any sort of commitment from you.”
