Page 75 of Ruin
“I kind of feel like I shouldn’t be here,” I say, keeping my voice low.
She frowns slightly. “Why not?”
“You guys don’t get to hang out much without having to worry about anyone else. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t… you know…”
Annika sighs. “We don’t have to fuck all the time, Lil.”
I roll my eyes. “I know that. But you should be able to if you want to.”
“Is everything okay?” Sebastian murmurs, and Annika looks around me, shaking her head.
“Lily doesn’t think she should be here.”
He flicks a concerned looktowards me. “Why not?”
Uncomfortable with their attention on me, I shake my head. “It’s okay. I think I might just head upstairs. Read for a bit.”
I get to my feet before either of them can protest and head for the stairs, making my way up to the library on the second floor.
34
WOULDN’T JUST BE FUCKING
LILY
Findingthe book I was reading earlier, I curl up on one of the couches, ready to settle in.
“What happened down there?” Sebastian says from the doorway, startling me.
“Nothing. I just… I just didn’t want anyone to feel like they couldn’t be themselves around me.”
“Why did you feel like they couldn’t be themselves around you?” He leans against the doorframe and crosses his arms, studying me closely, his expression unreadable.
I bite my lower lip, trying to find the right words. “Annika mentioned that sometimes at movie nights, things happen between everyone. But that wouldn’t happen tonight because Cam and I were there, because you wouldn’t want them all to… you know.”
He’s quiet for a moment, a pensive look on his face as he continues to run his eyes over my face.
“If they had wanted to do something, they would do it. I’m not their keeper.”
I close the book, holding it in my lap as I shake my head. “No, but you’re their boss. And I don’t work here. I know that aside from Annika and Imogen, the rest of them don’t really know why I’m here, so they probably don’t know how to act around me. I didn’t want to make anyone feel like they can’t do the things they enjoy.” Lifting my chin, I shoot him a determined look. “Like I might be judging them.”
Something in his expression shifts, and he sighs. “You’re not talking about the others, are you?”
I shrug. “Sebastian. It’s obvious that you think I can’t handle all of this. How you live your life. It’s like you think I’m a child who needs to be protected or something.”
His eyebrows fly upwards. “I do not think you are a child, Lily. Far from it. Would we have done what we did on the weekend if I thought you were a child?”
I groan and slump back in the chair. “Obviously not. But you are running so hot and cold! One minute you’re fingering me in public, or setting up a threesome with a rock star, and the next you’re hiding from me. It’s obvious there’s an attraction between us. Why is it you can fuck Imogen and Annika, or any of the rest of them, but you won’t fuck me?” I demand.
I hadn’t intended for the conversation to take this turn, but I’ve finally worked out what that feeling was earlier when I saw him with Imogen. It wasn’t jealousy.
It was hurt. Hurt that he can fuck all of these other people, but not me. He told me sex for him isn’t about the emotional. So why is he holding back when I’ve made it clear that I want to explore my own sexual desires?
His shoulders tense, and I know my feelings must be showing on my face as his eyes search mine with something that looks like pain in his.
Then he sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. “Because withus… It wouldn’t just be fucking. And I don’t know if I can handle that,” he says, so quietly I almost don’t hear him.
It takes a moment for his words to sink in, then I feel my eyes widen.
