Page 35 of Ruin
Annika gives her a brief nod before looking at me again. “Try not to be yourself, DeLuca.”
She saunters back out the door, and I resist the urge to remind her I’m her boss, not the other way around.
Once we’re alone, Lily and I watch each other, and I wonder if she’s lost the nerve to speak up. While I’m really wishing this whole situation wasn’t happening, I’m also curious to see what she has to say.
After a moment, she moves closer, although she remains out of arm’s reach.
She draws a deep breath and tucks her hair behind her ear before finally speaking. “Do you know what caused Joseph to hit me the first time?”
Of all the things she could have said, that was the last thing I expected. Throughout this entire conversation, I’d not once thought about her arsehole of a husband, which is already enough to throw me off balance.
“No,” I say, feeling some of the frustration slip away.
She lifts her chin, holding my gaze with the steely determination I haven’t seen on her face since I walked out of her life. “It was around a month after our wedding. And I’d asked him if we could try something new in the bedroom. He’d insisted on waiting til we were married to have sex. Really leaned into thewhole “good Christian” personality he portrays. Probably should have been my first clue, huh? I mean, neither of us were virgins, and I wasn’t raised in that world, but I guess I thought it was romantic.” She grimaces, and I feel my jaw tense. “By then, he’d proven to be a rather selfish lover and never waited for me to come. So I asked him if we could maybe use some toys or something. Try some new positions. Anything to make it more enjoyable for me.”
I grit my teeth, resisting the urge to curl my hands into fists at my sides. “And he hit you?”
She lets out a hollow laugh. “Right after calling me a whore, he slapped me so hard my head snapped back and hit the wall. No one had ever hit me before, and the pain was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.” She reaches upwards to brush her hand over her right cheekbone, almost as though reliving the memory has brought the pain back to the surface. “My father was an arsehole, but he was verbally abusive. I thought I’d experienced the worst of humanity by that point, but no. Turns out, things could get a lot worse. And it did. I never brought it up again, but it was like a dam wall had broken and the truth of Joseph’s character came out. And eventually, I began to believe what he said. That I was disgusting for wanting to experience pleasure during sex. He’d cut me off from everyone who cared about me, as you know. I had no access to money, and he monitored my phone and internet usage. Dad obviously didn’t give a shit, because my marriage to Joseph got him in with all the people he’d been trying to work with for years. And Mum was too hopped up on drugs to notice anything… So I had no choice but to stay. And push aside any lingering desires I might have. After that first time, he learned to leave bruises where no one could see them. Can’t have his trophy-wife looking battered and bruised at all those events, after all. It was all part of the way he controlled me. How he kept his dirty whore of a wife in line. He got off on the pain he caused. And I became numb to it.”
Throughout her story, the rage I’ve been keeping at bay for the last few months is threatening to overcome me. All I want is to get on the next plane to Sydney and beat the living shit out of the arsehole. But I know that isn’t why Lily is telling me all of this. And my anger won’t do anything for her right now.
She continues speaking, almost as though, now she’s started, she can’t stop. “When Daniel got me out of there and took me to the club, I was terrified at first. I worried that being around all that sex would turn me into exactly what Joseph said I was. I couldn’t fathom the idea that any of the sex workers actually enjoyed what they were doing. In my experience, sex was something a woman was forced to endure. Simply tools for men’s pleasure. It’s why I stayed hidden away. Because my own curiosity felt wicked. It wasn’t until I came here and started spending time with Annika and Imogen, and saw how comfortable the sex workers here are with one another that I started to reconsider. They seem to really enjoy what they do. By seeing that, it almost felt like I could give myself permission to let that curiosity come to the surface.”
I nod slightly, and she moves closer now, reaching out to touch my arm, which is still crossed over my chest while I grip the opposite bicep.
“You gave me the opportunity to feel like myself for the first time in eight years. To make true friends, who exist outside that bubble we lived in down there. But I’m not made of glass, Sebastian. When I saw you all last night, so clearly enjoying what you were doing - without any guilt… I want that for myself. I want the chance to feel what it’s like to have someone else give me pleasure. To learn what it’s like to be with someone who isn’t only focused on their needs alone.”
The tension in my body has me wound so tight I’m worriedI’m about to explode. I’ve spent years mastering my emotions. To keep the anger and rage at bay. But hearing first hand just how bad Lily’s life has been threatens to become the thing that causes me to unleash.
Perhaps sensing the war I’m fighting internally, she places her hand softly to my face, smoothing her thumb over my cheekbone.
“I didn’t tell you all this to make you angry. I know you hate him. I hate him, too. I think I hated him for a long time. I just didn’t know how to get out of that situation.”
I reach up to cover her hand with mine, slowly lowering her hand but not letting it go as I hold her determined gaze. “You have no idea what you’re asking of me, Lily. You’d be trading one type of control for another.”
She smiles. “I watched you last night, Sebastian. Even without Annika’s explanation about everything, I could see that you were focused on the pleasure of everyone else. You were dominating, but there was no rage there. You weren’t getting off on the power you had. You aren’t the monster you seem to think you are. I know who the true monster is. But…” She closes the remaining distance between us, her blue eyes wide and imploring as she presses her chest to mine. “What if I beg you to show me how it should be? To show me what I’ve been missing out on?”
Despite everything in me that says that there is no way this can end well for either of us, my grip on her fingers tighten as I study her closely.
Then I shock the absolute shit out of both of us and crush my mouth to hers.
17
A MASTER OF CONTROL
LILY
The dominancebehind Sebastian’s kiss is all-consuming. He steals my breath and my body melts into his, my lips parting of their own volition when he demands access to my mouth with a swipe of his tongue. Strong arms wrap around my back, erasing the distance between our bodies, while a hand winds its way into my hair. Wrapping it around his fist, he gently tugs my head back enough to claim my mouth entirely.
Only one man has kissed me like this. I don’t know that anyone else has theabilityto kiss like this. It’s like he demands full control over every part of me, and my body is more than willing to hand it over to him.
A moan claws its way up my throat, which surprises me. When kissing Joseph, I never uttered a sound. There was no enjoyment in any form of sexual activity with him for me. Only indifference at best. More often than not, though… It was laced with anger and pain. It’s why I’ve not believed it was possible for women to enjoy sex in the same way as men do.
But all it takes is one kiss from Sebastian and my libido has gone into overdrive.
I want him to own me. To take control of my body and show me exactly how good it can be.
Moments later, he pulls away, breathing hard as he takes a full step back.
