Page 49 of Heart of Snow
I stepped toward the door, and his eyes widened.
“No, that isn’t what I... I didn’t mean...” He tossed his cap on the table, scattering the pile of chamomile petals I’d crushed the day before. Taking a deep breath, he tried again. “Was there something else? Something more you wanted to tell me?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Nothing more.”
“Very well. I have something I’d like to say.”
My stomach tightened, but I gave him a hesitant nod.
“I know I’ve no right to an opinion on this”—he picked up the pestle, absently tapping it inside the mortar—“but you should forget your schemes in Brussels.”
“Friedrich...” I sighed. “You know that’s impossible. I must help Samuel.”
“And sacrifice yourself in the process? Is that how wars are fought now, exchanging the lives of maidens for soldiers?” His tone was reproving.
“I know the risk I take,” I snapped back but, recalling myself, answered more gently, “My brother would do as much for me.”
“But what would hewantfor you? Shouldn’t his wishes matter too? All these games, these deceptions...” He shook his head and went back to grinding the pestle into the mortar. “They will only bring you misery. If it’s discovered you’re trying to free your brother, you’ll be given his same fate. Imprisonment, maybe even death. If not, you enter a loveless marriage simply for advantage, and you’ll have to live a lifetime with that decision.” He released the pestle with a clatter. “That’s its own kind of prison, Margaretha. And consider that if you do nothing, he might still be freed! Too much is unknown.”
We stared at each other in a silent stalemate.
This was nothing like how I’d imagined the conversation going. But despite wanting to stay, to make peace with Friedrich somehow, the seconds were dripping down on me like cold water, their collective weight an uncomfortable reminder of how long I’d been gone.
“I have to be going or I’ll be missed.” I gathered the chamomile, stirring its sweet scent into the room as I returned it to a neat pile, then offered Friedrich his cap. Instead of taking it, his hand landed on mine, drawing my eyes up to his.
“Margaretha, I know your brother well enough to guess at how angry he’d be that you’d risk your life and happiness on a plan that might not work. He would never ask you to trade your life for his.” Friedrich took a gentle step toward me, his eyes still locked on mine. “He’d want you to stay. Here. Where you’re safe.”
I shook my head. Samuel might not want me taking risks for him, but I couldn’t give up. Not on Samuel. And not on my chance for redemption.
Yet, despite my convictions, Friedrich’s words brought hope flaring to life inside me, and I couldn’t seem to stomp it out. He was giving me reasons to stay. Reasons that forced me to acknowledge how much I wanted to.
Pinching my eyes closed, I shut out such selfish desires, but Friedrich’s fingers moved soft and slow across my skin until my eyes fluttered open to meet his.
“What doyouwant, Margaretha? Can you think of any reason to stay?” He stepped so close I had to tip my head back to meet his gaze. His eyes flicked back and forth between mine, begging me, willing me to find that reason.
My head was ringing, the alarm sounding afresh, and this time I heeded it. Ducking my eyes to break free of Friedrich’s gaze, I took a step back, forcing down the rising warmth, wrapping myself in the safety of empty numbness before I could explore my feelings further.
Friedrich let out a frustrated sigh. “Margaretha, I have been through war and never found an opponent as challenging as you. You keep an entire army posted around your heart.” He stepped toward me, setting his finger on my chin and tipping my head up to meet his eye. “Can you not think of any motive strong enough to stay in Wildungen?”
My stomach turned flips inside me as truth battled against the numbness, clamoring to be heard. Of its own volition, my head nodded.
His finger moved from my chin and traced a trail up my jaw, his voice all gentle persuasion. “Can you tell me what it is?”
No. I refused to face it. What good could come of acknowledging these... feelings?Feelings that have grown from friendship to something more.
The thought shot bright currents through every vein, each winding its way to my center. Warmth joined with warmth, filling me with a heat that stirred in my chest, sending the ghost of a pulse beating through my long-dormant heart. This was why the bells cried their warning. This was the momentous risk, the shift with Friedrich that could never be undone. Had my heart not been numb, I would have sensed it sooner.
I would have known that I’d somehow fallen for the soldier.
I opened my mouth to speak just as my name echoed down the corridor and footsteps sounded outside the door, robbing me of my courage.
“Friedrich, I must return,” I whispered, trying to pull my hand from his, but he held it fast.
“You were about to say something.”
I shook my head. “No, we can’t be found here together.”
His eyes brimmed with frustration, but he loosened his grasp, and I slipped my hand away, throwing him a final, apologetic glance before opening the door to find Belinda pacing the hall.
