Page 41 of Heart of Snow
That did sound like the countess, willing to suffer if it meant saving someone she loved. I could easily imagine she’d have no concern for her own happiness when it came to helping her brother, but she didn’t seem the kind of person who’d readily hurt others along the way. She was different from her father. Kind. Sympathetic.
Although, the scheme to save her brother hadn’t started with her. She’d admitted it was Hatzfeld’s doing. Hatzfeld’s manipulative designing—I should have suspected it. I’d seen the flash of superiority, the cunning in Hatzfeld’s eyes despite herattempts to play the docile maid. I’d seen how the countess looked to Hatzfeld for answers and approval that what she did or said was right. Though it was no surprise a young noblewoman would follow the direction of her older, more experienced companion, Margaretha’s faith in Hatzfeld was something different. She’d followed Hatzfeld even when it went against her very nature. Why? What hold did the woman have that caused Margaretha to trust her counsel?
Ernst sighed. “No matter what the countess has done, she loves ya, Friedrich.”
I scoffed at his bold statement, picking at my cap and shaking my head.
“It’s plain. The way she watches ya, aligns herself to ya where’er ya are in the room. Whene’er ya talk, she’s lookin’ at ya like a thirsty man to a cup, like she’s dyin’ to know yer every thought. It’s love, a’right.”
I stayed silent, wishing his words didn’t bring a thrill to my heart. Ernst didn’t know of her schemes. Maybe she cared for me, or maybe it was all part of her tricks, contriving perfectly timed smiles to win me over. I’d be a fool to trust any of it.
Except that she never was that skilled when she acted a part. Now recognizing her attempts to entice me—batting her eyes, finding awkward ways to touch me, her laughable compliments—they were all painfully obvious. But the frequent flushes of her cheek or her unsteady breath whenever I grew close... were those practiced too? Or did I have the power to affect her as much as she affected me?
“Ya see it now, don’t ya?” Ernst studied my face.
I warmed, realizing he’d been watching me. “Whatever her feelings, it doesn’t matter. What good could come from a countess loving a serving boy?” I beat the dust from my cap.
Ernst put a hand on my knee, and I was struck by the strange bluish hue of it. “You, of all people, should know rank means nothin’ where there’s real fondness.”
“I, of all people, know the consequence of loving outside your station.”
Ernst scoffed. “Their story needn’t be yers.”
“Ernst, leave it be. She travels to Brussels soon to marry some fool-of-a man just because he’s friendly with the kaiser. If she’s determined to throw away her happiness to make sure her brother is safe, why should I stop her?”
“Because ya love her.”
I ground my jaw. This wasn’t love. It couldn’t be. Love would never come with such frustration and anger and—
“And ya know she loves you.”
“I know no such thing,” I protested. “I couldn’t even begin—”
“Cares fer ya, then,” he interrupted. “Enough that she might one day come to love ya?”
I silently picked my thumbnail, not daring to hope.
“Friedrich, if ya want her, you’ll have to get off yer backside and show the girl ya love her. Convince her to stay.”
No.
No!
Excitement shot through me, not heeding my rational thought, betraying all my attempts to rein in this impossible affection. And forcing me to face the truth: as frustrated as I was with Margaretha’s deception, my feelings for her hadn’t changed.
I still cared for her.
I still wanted her to stay.
But Margaretha might not appreciate me trying to talk her out of saving her brother. Of course, I doubted Count Samuel would appreciate his sister risking her life for him, and shouldn’t his opinion matter too? He wasn’t a child needing protection. The man was a soldier. He could easily calculate that therewas no tactical advantage in exchanging places with his sister, consigning Margaretha to prison in his stead. Because that was what a loveless marriage would be. A lifetime of bondage and subservience to a man she did not care for.
Maybe my selfish interests were twisting reality. The more I thought on it, though, the more certain I became that her plan would only bring her misery. Could I convince Margaretha of that? Would it even be right to try? And if she truly wished to marry for love, could I be that man? Still, to pursue a girl so far above my station was too big of a risk. Even Ernst had to see that.
I opened my mouth to argue against his plan, but a new perspective dawned on me. Here I was, already suffering the pain of affection for Margaretha with no hope of a future with her. But if I followed Ernst’s counsel and opened my heart to her, what harm could come of it? That she’d reject me? I’d be no worse off than I was now, pining without hope. Maybe it would even be better, knowing her feelings for certain instead of this wondering and fretting. And if she admitted to never caring for me, it would definitely fuel my determination to banish every gentle thought of her...
The longer I thought on it, the more the idea captivated me until I was filled with a foolhardy determination to do precisely as Ernst said. I would show Margaretha I cared for her. I would attempt to convince her to stay.
Chapter 18
