Page 19 of Only Ever You
“Not judging me for my screw ups. I did some dumb shit when I was younger and I regret it a lot.”
That giddy sense of joy kept spinning in my chest as I savored the feel of Parker’s hands around mine. “I may not know much, because my life was kind of odd growing up, but I know you’re a good man. I can feel it.”
When I squeezed his hands, Parker squeezed back. “Look at that. We got the hard stuff out of the way,” he said with a chuckle.
On cue, the waiter arrived, delivering our pizza with a flourish. I reluctantly let go of Parker’s hands out of necessity. A few minutes later, we had both taken a few bites of pizza, and Parker paused. “I was pretty sure you’d run for the hills once you heard my history.”
“I thought you might think I was crazy because I had a made-up name and straight hair when we met.”
His smile was slow and made my belly feel tingly.
“I understand,” he said as his smile faded. “I imagine that was kind of an unusual life.”
I contemplated the years of being on camera, of so many moments that should’ve been private being recorded and broadcast to complete strangers. The confusion of trying to find connections with strangers online since I didn’t have friends. Sometimes, I would read the comments and feel like those were the people who understood me. The sad twist of learning that the only friend I thought I had, Margie, was just there because herparents dragged her along. Even though that detail was a twist of a knife that I never could get out of my heart, I felt sad for her. I figured she was as lonely as me.
“It was—” I paused, considering my words. “Strange.”
“Are you close to your parents now?” Parker asked.
I finished another bite of pizza as I considered that question. “I suppose it depends on what you mean by close. We stay in touch and they come here for the holidays. My grandmother refuses to let them record in the house. I don’t hate them for what they did, but I don’t think they understood what it meant for our relationship. They were trying to make money off of our life, and my life, and I didn’t have a say in it. I love them and I always will, but I hope maybe they’ll decide to do something different.” I shrugged. “But they’re kind of trapped in this cycle.”
Parker took a swallow of water. “That sucks,” he finally said, summing it up perfectly and simply.
My mouth twisted to the side as I nodded. “Honestly, and maybe this sounds crazy, but your dad getting you caught up in selling drugs is at least more honest than what my parents did.”
Parker tipped his head to the side, pressing his lips together before letting out a sharp sigh. “I get what you mean. I love my dad and he’s got his own baggage. What your parents did feels more exploitative. My dad fucked up, and I fucked up, and we paid the price. But it was an honest fuck up. A stupid one, at that.” Parker rolled his eyes.
“Are you and your dad close now?”
His smile was warm with hints of wistfulness in his gaze. “Yeah. He’s doing pretty good these days. Maybe five years ago, he finally got sober. Going to NA groups is practically a religion for him these days. He keeps himself together. He and Stella’s mom reconnected. They’re totally in love. I’m happy for them. And—” He let out a little sigh. “Even though he got me into a lot of trouble when I was younger, he was scrambling to get by, andhe made some bad choices. As a result, I made bad choices. Live and learn.”
“What about your mom?” I asked.
Chapter Eleven
PARKER
What about your mom?
This conversation had started to feel like a confessional. But I figured it made sense for us to get the heavy stuff out of the way. Of course, Luna couldn’t know she’d just landed on the deepest wound in my heart.
Mentally marshaling myself, I barreled ahead. “My mom left. The whole reason I didn’t know I had a sister was because my mom didn’t tell my dad she got pregnant and had me. My dad was the classic young and dumb guy. Like with my mom, he and Stella’s mom hooked up. Don’t think he was too big on birth control. My dad didn’t stay anywhere long back then. Stella’s mom did the sensible thing and steered clear of him, and I don’t blame her. When I was six, my mom decided she was done with the parenting gig and dropped me off with him.” I tried to ignore the pain that burned in my heart. I was in kindergarten when that happened, old enough to have a few memories of my mom. The whole thing sucked.”
Luna held my gaze from across the table, sadness flickering in her eyes. “I’m so sorry.” She reached over, curling her hand over mine and squeezing.
My throat felt tight, and my heart gave an achy beat. “Thank you.”
The waiter stopped to check in with us, refilling our water and moving along. I was grateful, mostly because I needed the interruption.
“Are you okay?” Luna asked.
“It’s not like this is news to me. Have we covered all the heavy stuff yet?” I needed to make light of this, if only because letting it weigh on me could suffocate me.
Her eyes were warm. “I think we have.” She took a bite of pizza, letting out a satisfied sigh after she finished chewing. “I never forgot you. That day, I wanted to tell you my name wasn’t Jane. My parents had drilled it into my head that I couldn’t do that, so I didn’t.” She shook her head, her curls swinging.
My heart felt squeezed tight for a moment as I held her gaze. “I’m really glad I saw you again. I feel ridiculous that I didn’t connect the dots sooner. I kept looking at you, thinking you looked familiar, but it’s been, what?”
“A decade,” Luna supplied helpfully.
