Page 73 of His to Teach
But then he looks straight into my eyes and begins to talk, his voice cold and so damn calm. “Renee was my fiancée. She was beautiful and kind, the gentlest person I’ve ever met.” His eyes flutter closed for just a moment, the only sign that this might be difficult for him. “She deserved so much better than me.”
I open my mouth to argue—how could anyone deserve better than him?—but he silences me with a look.
“She wasn’t like me. She didn’t…” he swallows. “She didn’t want the things I want.”
Understanding dawns. “She wasn’t submissive.”
His head dips, just once, in a terse nod. “She didn’t mind me taking charge in bed. But the rest of it…” I watch as he visibly swallows, hard. “I tried to push all of that stuff away, for her. I told myself I didn’t need it, not as long as I had her. And I think…I think I might have been able to do it. I was happy.”
His eyes fix on the wall beside me, a wan smile on his face. “But Renee didn’t believe me. She felt guilty, felt like she was changing me. Repressing me.”
Nate runs a hand through his hair, looking lost now. “We started to argue a lot. She eventually convinced me to start taking her to the club. I could tell she hated it, but she kept insisting.”
A look of pain crosses his features. “We were there one night, watching a scene. It was too much for her, I could tell it was too much.” I’ve never seen him look this dejected but he continues, his calm voice the antithesis to the ragged look in his eyes. “She insisted I stay. Told me that I should be able to play at the club without her since she couldn’t meet my needs.” He shakes his head in disgust. “I tried to tell her that she did, but it was a lie, and she knew it. So I let her leave. And it was the worst mistake of my life.”
I feel cold, watching him. There’s a part of me that hurts, thinking about him loving someone else so much. But mostly I just feel sad for him. Because I know the end of this story is going to be heartbreaking.
“She hit a tree that night, on her way home. She swerved off the road, just for a second, but it was enough. She hadn’t been drinking but I knew why it happened. She was upset. Too upset to be concentrating on the road. And alone because I’d been too stupid to just take her home.”
The self-disgust on his face breaks my heart. “What happened to her?”
“She lived.”
I startle a little. I’d been sure he was going to say she was gone.
“She had several injuries though, needed surgery and then intensive physical therapy.” His jaw hardens again, that coldmask descending on his features. “She decided to do that physical therapy in Florida—where her parents live.”
“She left you,” I whisper.
He stares at the wall like he’s looking through it. “I pushed her away. I ruined us, ruined her, all because I couldn’t convince either of us that she was enough for me.”
I have no idea what to say to him. I’ve never seen him look so broken, my usually controlled, confident Nate.
“I promised myself I would never let that happen again,” he whispers. “I would never hurt a woman like that again. I promised myself from then on I would keep my sex life completely separate from my emotions.”
Something cold slithers into my belly, remembering what he’d told me before. “You don’t do relationships.”
Suddenly he turns his face, eyes fixing on mine. “Yes. Until you.”
All the breath leaves my body. Until me.
“I thought my lifestyle and love didn’t mix, Harper,” he says, voice soft, more gentle than usual. “I thought I had to keep those things completely separate—my heart and my time at the club. And then I met you, and it all changed.”
I can hardly wrap my mind around what he’s saying.Love. He used the word love.
“What’s so different about me?”
Suddenly, the cold set of his expression softens, a smile slowly growing. A smile so beautiful, so full of joy, that it takes my breath away.
“Everything is different about you, Harper. You’re the most passionate person I’ve ever known. The most loving. I can’t get over how smart and driven you are with your work. How curious you are about the world. Do you know how rare that is?” He shakes his head. “You’re so fuckingaliveand I can’t get enough of it.”
Tears clog my throat. “Nate.”
He holds my gaze, his eyes fiery and fierce. “You make me want things I haven’t wanted in years.” He shrugs. “You make all those carefully crafted excuses and rules I made up seem so unimportant.”
“What’s important now?” I whisper, and his eyes grow somehow more intense.
“Making you happy. Taking care of you. That’s the only thing that matters anymore.”
