Page 16 of Mine to Love
I close my eyes then as thoughts of last night return to me. If I had been two seconds later, she wouldn’t be here right now. And God only knows what would’ve happened to Delilah without her mother to protect her. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and forget, temporarily, the horror that just occurred. Perhaps, even more so, the horror she’s been living with for far longer than her time in New Orleans. I bite the inside of my cheek and clench my fists in my lap.
I wish I knew exactly how she’s been hurt so that I can love her in ways that heal that hurt. And, if she won’t let me, then, at the very minimum, so that I don’t do anything to bring up painful memories from the past. I wish I knew the things that haunt her so that I might help quieten those fears, exorcise those demons. I wish I could help her see she doesn’t have to change not a single thing to be worthy of kindness and so much more. But, just as my lustful desiresandgrowing feelings are too inappropriate to express—at least, for now—so too are my questions regarding her past. She’s fragile right now and I don’t want to push her. And besides, I can’t exactly offer her the same transparency.
Opening my eyes, I turn to find Damon still talking, though I’ve missed the whole discussion. He looks at me then with wide eyes and says, “Well?”
“Well,what?” I ask.
Damon rolls his eyes. “Jesus!You know what, never mind. What are we going to do about Serena Santos? And,for fuck’s sake, stop licking me, you little bastard. I can feel your saliva onmy thigh.” Damon scolds Brinkley and I groan as the shop owner gives us a warning look.
“Sorry,” I tell her. Then, directing my attention to Damon, “Have some manners, will you? There are delicate ears near.”
“Fine,” Damon sighs.
We’re both quiet for a moment. I can tell he’s stressed. While the shopping has kept us busy, all his concerns from this morning are still present. He’s worried about Ana—both her emotional state and her physical safety. If there’s another rising threat in New Orleans, he wants it handled and swiftly, for her sake. And he’s worried I’ll be too distracted with Darcy and Delilah to take care of it. But he needn’t worry. There’s a reason I have the position I do, a reason they call me thechess master, a reason Alister trusted me to take care of things in his absence. When it comes down to it, I always get the job done, no matter what it requires of me, no matter what sacrifices I’m forced to make. Although, I suppose the truth is, this is the first time I’ve ever really had anything oranyoneto sacrifice.
As thoughts of what might lie before me flood me, I shove them aside and offer him some reassurance instead. Perhaps my words also help to reassure myself. “Look, you don’t need to worry about Serena.” He looks at me but doesn’t say a word. “I don’t know what she’s up to, if anything, but I’m going to find out. I just texted the guys to review surveillance footage to see what her man was up to prior to his swift exit and to see if there were travel records of any other known associates entering New Orleans. I owe her a visit, but I don’t want to go into it blind. And it’s not like I can just leave New Orleans at a moment’s notice, given the current situation.” I nod toward the dressing rooms.
“I need at least a month to get Darcy settled and during that time, our guys can find us some answersandyou can get married. In the meantime, don’t worry about it. Ana needs you and you need her. When the time comes to handle Serena, it’llbe my mission, not yours. I won’t pull you away from Ana again, not so soon after, and not unless I absolutely have to. Besides, Serena and I have a long-standing relationship. She’ll only deal with me.”
Damon raises his brow. “Long standing relationship, huh?” I shake my head. Resting my forearms on my thighs, I hunch forward and stare blankly ahead. Suddenly, I wish I had a glass of bourbon.
Serena and I come from the same world and have a certain understanding of one another that led to us having a unique relationship. She’s the only child of the former leader of the cartel. Now Queen of an organization that doesn’t take kindly to women, she must be extremely careful not to lose her crownorher head—the type of careful that keeps her from having any real relationships, romantic or otherwise.
While I don’t have the same burdens as her, I understand the dangers of standing by my side. It’s something we all deal with. It’s the reason Alister gave everything up, hoping he could return one day and live happily and freely with his love, Ariana. But being destined for a loveless life doesn’t mean one is without certain desires. So, over the years, Serena and I have explored those desires together.
My visits usually aren’t ones of a purely diplomatic nature. Perhaps that’s part of the reason I’ve resisted going for so long, subconsciously or otherwise. I’ve been busy,yes. But, perhaps, I’ve also been awakened to a new possibility, a new desire, in the wake of Alister’s absence. And that new desire has made my former ones of a carnal nature feel so shallow, so unfulfilling, as if casual intimacy was ever fulfilling.
Perhaps that awakening inside of me is what allowed me to recognize Darcy as I did when she walked into that bar. Perhaps if my heart was still closed, as it had been for so many years, I wouldn’t have. I would have seen a beautiful, sexy woman andnothing more. I wouldn’t have seen her soul. I wouldn’t have felt her energy. I would’ve stood up for her and helped her, but I wouldn’t have invited her into my life and home. And I wouldn’t feel the things I do at this very moment.
There’s this growing warmth inside me that was ignited the moment I saw her, and it’s only continued to grow ever since. And now, I have to deal with Serena. She’ll expect certain things that I no longer want to give her. Will I, for the sake of the alliance, despite my feelings for Darcy? Or won’t I, because of my feelings for Darcy? Perhaps there is another option altogether that I’ve yet to think of. Regardless, I don’t want to be in this position, so much so, I almost hope Serenaisup to something shady so that we don’t have to play nice. But that would just cause more problems for us all, the problems Damon is concerned about.
“But won’t she be mad about what happened to her guy? At a minimum, that seems like grounds for retaliation,” Damon says then.
I shake my head and sit up straight. “Serena is smart. She won’t go to war over one man, especially considering what he was about to do to Darcy. And, for all we know, he was here of his own accord, not on a direct order.” Damon nods and remains quiet. Though, as I look at him, I can see the wheels turning in his head. There’s a small wrinkle in his forehead and a stiffness to his lip. “What is it?”
“I don’t know,” he says then, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s just…you said this all took place near the women’s shelter. It just strikes me as strange for a man like that to be out there, in an abandoned area of town yet near some of the most vulnerable people,withoutsome ulterior motive. Not to mention the proximity to our old warehouses. I mean, if he’s—” Damon stops himself and looks to see if the shop owner is within earshot. I do the same. Spotting her toward the back of the store,straightening up some of the areas Darcy and Ana were looking through, Damon leans closer to me and whispers, “If he’s cartel, he has money and means. If he was here of his own accord, say a vacation, he could’ve afforded a hotel. Why would he be out there? And, if it’s as simple as a vacation, he or Serena could’ve let us know,like they’re supposed to, so that misunderstandings like this don’t happen.”
“Hmm, good question and good point.” Now, he’s got my wheels spinning. It’s true that those we have alliances with are supposed to alert us before they cross into our territory. Like Damon said, it cuts down on misunderstandings and allows us to monitor them while they’re in our city. While there has been a shake-up in our organization, Serena could’ve texted me if she wanted to, if she knew what was going on. It’s entirely possible she didn’t know. This guy could’ve been hiding from someone, hiding from her, orspying on us for someone else. She always feared someone would try to overthrow her. Maybe they see the demolition of her most powerful ally as a time to strike? Who knows? Given the proximity to our warehouses, it’s entirely possible he and whoever he’s loyal to,or was, —whether or not it’s Serena—is trying to see what’s happening in New Orleans given the recent change in leadership, trying to weigh the pros and cons of a coo. Regardless, there are too many possibilities to determine the truth today.
“This is certainly a puzzle,” I say then. “But one I’ll solve.” I give Damon a reassuring pat on the shoulder and stand, hoping to walk off some of this worry. As I do, moving toward the windows at the front of the store, Ru follows me.
Casting my gaze outside, I find a sense of calm watching others take their Sunday strolls beneath the setting sun. First, is a group of women dressed in sundresses. Next, a group of teenagers sneakily sharing a joint. They’re followed by a couple who are too captivated by one another to mind the smoke.Ru lets out a deep bark then, prompting Brinkley to jump off Damon’s lap and join her as they take notice of a stray cat roaming in front of the storefront. Seems animals of all kinds enjoy a good walk or a healthy dose of people-watching. Though it’s in the glass's reflection that something else draws my attention.
I give Ru a calming caress as I shift my gaze from outside to the display of toys in front of me. Amongst them, I spot a Victorian-style dollhouse. It’s the kind that looks like a real house on one side but has an open back so that you can decorate each room and move your dolls around as you wish. This one is painted a light shade of gray with ornate, white-painted trim, a cute little porch, and copper-colored shingles for the roof. It’s adorable. Perhaps, more so are the thoughts I have of Delilah playing with it. I smile to myself then. Perhaps Darcy and Delilaharea distraction. But they are a welcome one.
Saving my thoughts of Serena, the cartel, and all the unknowns for later, I turn to the shop owner and say, “We’ll take this as well.”
15
Moonlight streamsin through the linen curtains of mine and Delilah’s room, casting a blue-tinted glow around us as I carry Delilah from the bathroom to our bed. It’s the perfect guiding light, and it leaves me thankful for the thin curtains I complained about this morning.
Freshly showered—smelling of honey and pistachio—and dressed in our new pajamas, I place Delilah beneath the covers and sit by her side, softly singing her favorite lullaby. As I do, I rub my thumb across her forehead, which helps her drift to dreams faster. The freshly washed, warm linens don’t hurt as they wrap around her like a cloud. As her breathing slows and I feel her body relax, I take a deep breath and gently stand. I place a kiss amongst her clean, blonde curls and then turn my attention to the mountain of bags taking up nearly all the floor space in our bedroom.
Today was…Good, a lot, overwhelming, fun—needed. Despite my body’s fatigue and the sleepiness weighing heavy behind my eyes, my mind is full of thoughts and memories from the day. From meeting Damon and Ana, to seeing Delilah so happy playing with Ru and Brinkley, to observing Gio andfinding myself more and more curious about him, to being utterly flabbergasted by the numbers on the receipts Ana tried to hide in her purse, to just…feeling, for even a moment, that I was a part of something, a family, that I belonged. It’s a lot. And those are all the good thoughts. There are others competing for attention in my brain, ever-present memories from the past, but also questions such as—how long will this last,is any of this real,can I even do this?I’m not sure how I’ll ever get any sleep, given what tomorrow will bring.
Tomorrow, I begin my job as Gio’s maid. Tomorrow, I see what this arrangement is truly about and how it’s going to work for Delilah and me. I’m nervous and scared of what will be entailed, scared there will be things I either can’t do or that I’m uncomfortable doing. Perhaps I’m even scared of how the most basic tasks of tending to a home and cooking for a man,living with a man, may trigger me.
Even this morning, I had a moment when Gio moved a little too close to me too fast. That’s an obvious trigger for me, but there are others, small ones that may pop up. And, then there are even bigger ones than close proximity like anger, aggression, stress. Clive was always more likely to become violent when he was stressed or angry about something else entirely. He would take his frustration out on me. Knowing this means that Gio’s behavior, whether it’s directed at me or not, may trigger me. How will I cope? How will I hide my panic and anxiety from both Gio and Delilah? Unlike our cabin in Montana, which was segmented, offering enough privacy for me to keep Clive’s secrets, this house is primarily open, especially on the main floor.
