Page 62 of Choosing Hope
Spencer
Sinking back into the plush leather seats of my car, I silently discipline myself. By rights, I should be looking forward to getting home after another night away, but I’m not.
I’m anxious about seeing Sophie, and after my night with Carlo, seeing them together feels strange too. My entire life seems out of kilter, and I’ve only got myself to blame.
As the car pulls up at the end of the drive, I see several high-end cars parked haphazardly all over the sweeping in/out driveway that leads up to our imposing Georgian house, which Sophie insisted we buy nearlyfour years ago.
She told me she’d fallen in love with the old place. Within weeks, she started an extensive remodeling program of both the interior and the garden. She’s project-managed an impeccable job; it’s stunning, and normally, feels like home.
I let myself through the front door, and the sound of children playing immediately lures me to the rear garden.
Watching through the rear window, I see Lily’s party is in full swing. Sophie calls our daughter over to the terrace. It seems I’ve arrived just in time to watch her opening her birthday gifts. I smile, amused to see how careful she is as she opens each gift.
Eventually, Lily opens the large present we bought for her. It’s a large box of Barbie dolls; each dressed as a different Disney princess.
Sophie sent me a photo last week. As soon as I saw it, I had no doubt Lily would be thrilled. She loves the Disney princesses; I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve watched Beauty and the Beast with her.
The size of the box seems to have increased Lily’s excitement. She eagerly tears the wrapper open as several of her friends squeal with excitement. The corners of my mouth curve into a smile.
Lily’s face lights up as she stares at the box and then at her mother; she’s overcome. The idea makes my chest ache. Lily’s such a cute kid, and she looks so much like her mum.
I watch for a while as Sophie patiently helps our daughter remove the dolls from the packaging. After releasing each doll, Lily examines it before handing it to a different friend.
Once the box is empty, it seems to dawn on her that there’s nothing left for her to play with. I can sense the clench of her disappointment.
The other girls play happily, pretending to be whichever character Lily has chosen for them, as Lily watches on with a plastic smile on herlips. Her shoulders have dropped so minutely that others won’t notice, but I see them. I know exactly how she feels.
I started out life as a people pleaser, too. As a child, I’d have done anything for love. My parents were always so distracted with their own lives; they were barely aware I was around.
I clench my back teeth, closing my eyes and wishing, not for the first time, that my little girl’s personality is less like mine, and more like her mother’s.
As I watch Sophie now fussing over Lily and her friends, my heart aches for the connection we once shared.
A noise behind me alerts me to someone inserting a key into the front door, and I assume it must be Carlo. I step back, hiding in the shadows, hoping he doesn’t notice me. I’m intrigued to see his dynamic with Sophie and her friends when I’m not around.
From my position, I watch him enter the house. As always, he looks like he’s just stepped off the cover of GQ. He’s holding a huge white box in one hand, which he struggles to maneuver through the door.
Deep in concentration, my friend doesn’t glance up, instead breezing straight into the sitting room and presumably the connecting kitchen, before bursting out onto the terrace; minus the box.
Sophie smiles broadly when she sees him. Just like she used to smile when she saw me.
Carlo strides confidently towards her, pulling her into his arms and planting a kiss on her lips. I watch her blush as she steps back, shaking her head slightly to reprimand him.
He grins without batting an eyelid before proceeding to greet each of Sophie’s friends, welcoming them with his familiar warmth and charm.
It doesn’t escape my notice that several of them adjust themselves, preening to show themselves off to their best advantage, or that Carlo is lapping up their response to him.
While I’m distracted, I gravitate toward the window for a closer view of my friend.
“Daddy!” Lily’s scream breaks through my thoughts; she races towards me at full pelt.
Lost in my curiosity about Carlo, I’d unwittingly stepped forward for a closer inspection, revealing my position to my adoring daughter.
I force away my discomfort, and put my game face on, stretching my arms wide to intercept the beautiful little girl running towards me. She leaps straight into my arms, trusting me implicitly to catch her and shower her with the love she knows I have for her.
Holding my little girl is a blessing. I close my eyes, clinging to the rare, grounding certainty she gives me—the sense that I am exactly where I’m meant to be, something only Lily has ever made me feel.
“Happy birthday, sweetheart. Have you been having a nice day with your friends?” I ask her. I clear my throat to stop my voice from betraying my pent-up emotions.
