Page 52 of Choosing Hope
However, he might harass me into it.
He’s fucking relentless once he’s got a bee in his bonnet. Even if I walked out of here now, he’d only follow me and badger me until I give him the information he’s demanding.
“Explain to me why any of this is any of your fucking business!” I snap back, frustrated that he’s forcing me to discuss my shameful misdemeanors.
He laughs darkly, before edging closer, closing the distance by half.
It’s impossible not to notice the way the cotton of his shirt strains over his muscular torso. His dark brown eyes, usually so soft when they land on me, show his irritation.
“It’s my fucking business because I love you, and I’m doing everything I can to help your confused mental state, as well as I suspect saving your fucking marriage, you twat.”
His accusing words clamp my teeth together.
I can’t deny that he’s right. My behavior recently has been reckless and stupid. Sophie is one in a million, but I’ve met a woman who distracts me from the pain of the relationship we lost years ago.
In those dark moments, in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, I force myself to admit that I’m subconsciously punishing Sophie for changing the dynamic I enjoyed before our daughter was born. It’s wrong; I don’t dispute it’s wrong, but when Kalie’s so willing, I’m too weak to deny her.
Kalie is sexually uninhibited, just like my wife used to be and for now, Kalie’s satisfying me in a way other women, aside from my wife, never have.
It’s the oldest reason for a husband to stray in the book;my wife changed; or my wife doesn’t understand me; she’s let herself go.Intruth, none of these is the issue. The problem is completely, unequivocally, mine.
Rubbing my lips together, I glance down at my drink.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say, in a petulant manner.
Avoiding his scrutiny, I can’t bear to see the disappointment already etched in his expression.
This is the first time in twenty-three years that I’ve ever kept anything to myself. I’ve always shared everything with Carlo. Perhaps having some privacy is part of the novelty.
“And you’re prepared to lose Sophie over her?” he demands, no doubt because he knows it will hit a raw nerve.
A fizzing sensation at the base of my skull answers his question.
I hate the idea of losing Sophie, but I feel like someone has backed me into a corner, and my only way out is to fight.
Regularly, I try to excuse my actions, convincing myself that she was aware of the type of man she married. Yet, mentioning that at this moment will go down like a lead balloon.
Reaching behind my neck, I cup my head, massaging the tension that’s formed there and dispersing some of the tingling temporarily until it comes back stronger.
“I don’t want to lose Sophie or Lily, but Sophie has to do what’s right for her.”
My answer sounds cold and callous. Carlo sees straight through me, as he always does.
“You know what? I don’t think this has got anything to do with Kalie. You love Sophie, and you’d be fucking insane not to realize that you’ll never meet anyone else who’ll tolerate your kinks the way she does, without a shit ton of headaches.”
He puts his palms flat on the bar and leans back.
“This has to do with your self-esteem. You’ve tested that woman, pushing her away so fucking hard, because you’re aware everyone has their breaking point, and you want to be clear where hers is.”
I cock an eyebrow, refusing to admit how close he’s hitting.
“When the three of us were together, you constantly expected her to choose me but she didn’t. She loves you and even that isn’t enough. You’re punishing her for something she said when she was emotional.”
I grind my teeth, refusing to accept the truth.
“You do the same thing with me. You fucking want me. I know you do, but you refuse to admit, even to yourself, how much.”
“Full of yourself, much?” I drawl, despising how well he knows me.
