Page 44 of Choosing Hope
As we reach the light in the kitchen, he turns me to him, peering into my face. The familiar love and affection pouring out of him fills my eyes with tears.
“Why have you let it get to this?” he asks, his words humming inside my head like a nest of angry hornets.
He’s reprimanding me, but it’s gentle. Carlo knows me well enough to be aware of how hard I’ve battled. He loves me.
I stand for a moment, allowing his affection to fill the jagged crevices in my heart.
“Because it’s all my fault,” I start, my voice several pitches higher than normal. “I fucked up, Carlo, so big, and I don’t have a clue how to fix it.”
In my emotional state, I barely notice Carlo sweeping me into his arms. It’s the sensations of warmth, strength, and perseverance that resonate through my grief.
As his positivity penetrates, the weight on my shoulders eases a touch. Knowing I can share everything with this man without fear of betrayal, seems everything in this moment.
Until the memory of what I’ve done to him pours into the gaps his affection created.
“I’m sorry, Carlo. I’ll never forgive myself for pushing you away.”
“Ssh, Bella. You can’t take the blame for all this on your own. It’s far more complex than that;” he sweeps the hair back from my face, pressing his lips to my forehead. “This conversation is long overdue. Spencer doesn’t know I’m here yet, I’ll go and see him in a little while. In the meantime, let’s have a chat. I need some context.”
My head dips in a quick nod.
“Bella, I’m not denying that your outburst triggered Spencer’s shame, but he was always a loose cannon where our physical relationship was concerned.”
His words are soft, careful. I force my lips together but can’t control my chin wobbling. His acknowledgment of my starring role in this disaster instantly makes my skin tingle.
“I know,” I whisper.
A tidal wave of anger washes over me.
“I don’t fucking know how to fix this,” I sob. “It was a stupid thing to say, and I’ve had to live with it ever since. I’ve never regretted saying anything so much.”
Darkness crosses his eyes, and the self-loathing I’ve long endured about the pain that my actions caused him roars to full intensity.
“Stop, Bella, you don’t need to take all this on alone. When you fell pregnant, I understood your decision to end your relationship with me.Did it hurt?Yeah, too right it did, but I don’t blame you for it. Listen, the result of all this bullshit, from my perspective, is that I lost everything. Including my relationship with the man I love, but it isn’t the fault of one person, or even one conversation, this is the result of years and years of life choices and shame.”
A sob escapes my throat; appalled by the distress I’ve caused this kind, generous man.
“I realize it’s not enough, but I’m so sorry, Carlo.”
The tears trickle down my cheeks. Even though this happened almost three and a half years ago, Carlo and I have rarely been alone together since. I see him regularly; he’s always popping over to stay with us for weekends, but since my pregnancy with Lily, Carlo doesn’t stay with me when Spencer’s away, and we’ve never discussed the changes in our relationship in detail because Lily or Spencer are always with us. So, it feels good to clear the air and give him my perspective.
“I’m sure Spencer told you the whole story, but I said what I said in the heat of the moment. I had hormones raging. Spencer was yelling at me, demanding I give up my career.” I pause, deciding whether to confess the truth. “It all sounds so pointless now, but we were arguing. I wanted to wound him, like he was wounding me. I didn’t even mean it. It never occurred to me that our conversation would devastate all our lives like this.”
Carlo’s head dips again, his eyes closed as if he’s trying to block me out.
“I’ve told Spencer dozens of times that I have no issue with his being with you. I love your relationship. It used to turn me on seeing you two together. I enjoyed being with both of you, but most of all, witnessing your connection was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced in my life.”
He licks his lips, and I can see the effort he’s going through to hold himself together.
“I would like to understand why you said what you did. You knew how conflicted Spencer had always felt about our attraction. This has plagued me for too long not to ask.”
His words, a mere whisper, still sink into my soul, causing my old scars to balloon with shame.
For over three years, I’ve kept this to myself, never wanting to verbalize what a slut I am. It was easy to recognize how fragile Spencer’s physical bond with Carlo had become, and determined to prevent my concerns from stirring up any more unease I stayed silent.
“I couldn’t be certain who Lily’s father was,” I whisper, talking to the tabletop. “When the doctor told me the likely conception date, he confirmed what a whore I was.”
There was only a brief pause before his voice broke through it, sounding more definite again.
