Page 79 of Last First Kiss
Alejandra begins pacing the room, and the longer I watch her, the more it feels likeI’mthe one who should be apologizing. While she might have kept from me that she was thinking about moving, I’ve kept my feelings forherburied for over a decade, and that doesn’t seem very fair, either.
“Ale,” I murmur, trying to gather all the courage I have left.
She turns toward me, her eyes soft, and just like that, my heart starts beating faster. Telling her how I feel, how I’vefeltfor the majority of our friendship, suddenly feels impossible, but urgent at the same time.
“I should’ve said this a long time ago,” I start, my throat tightening with each word. “But I kept telling myself thetiming was wrong ... and that telling you was a mistake.” I take a shaky breath, trying to steady myself.
Why is this so damn hard?
My heart thuds against my chest in an effort to break free.
“I—” My voice cracks slightly. I try to push through it, but I can’t.
Alejandra’s expression shifts. There’s a flicker of something, almost a panic, and it makes me spiral even more.
I take a step closer—closer than I’ve allowed myself to be to her the past few hours, and immediately pick up on the electricity between us.
The words I’ve buried for so long are clawing their way up, desperate to be said, but I’ve kept them down for so long, it feels like I’m fighting myself just to let them out.
“I’ve been hiding something from you, too, for a long time,” I admit.
I look at her, hoping she’ll understand. “I love you, Ale. More than I ever thought I could love someone.”
“I love you, too,” she says, cutting me off.
She smiles, a soft, familiar thing—like she thinks she knows what I mean. This feels like another “I love you” between best friends who’ve said it a thousand times before. But this isn’t that. So I keep going.
“But it’s not because you’re my best friend. It’s—It’s more than that. It’s the way you make me laugh, the way you make everything feel like it’s going to be okay. It’s the way I can’t stop thinking about you, no matter how much I try to push it away.”
She’s watching me, waiting for me to say more.
“I didn’t want to ruin what we had. I didn’t want to make things ... awkward. But I think I already have by not telling you why my reaction to not knowing you werethinking ofmoving feels so intense.” My voice trembles slightly, but I fight it down, pushing forward.
“I want you to know how I feel. I’m not asking for anything. I’m not expecting anything. But I can’t keep—” I pause, my voice catching in my throat. “I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t hurt that it’s just about you leaving. It’s about you leavingme,because I’m in love with you. I have been since we were teens.”
The room goes still. My words are just ... out there now, hanging in the air with nothing to soften them.
She doesn’t say anything at first. Just looks at me, her eyes wide and unreadable. Then, slowly, she walks over and sits beside me, close, but not quite touching.
“I didn’t know,” she says softly. “I really didn’t know you felt that way.”
“I know.” I force a small, broken laugh. “You weren’t supposed to.”
We sit there in the silence that follows, everything out in the open now. And for once, even with the ache in my chest, I can finally breathe.
Alejandra’s eyes stay fixed on the floor, but I can feel her thoughts pressing into the air between us. Finally, she speaks.
“Lately ... I’ve started to realize I’ve had these feelings for a long time, too,” she says quietly. “I didn’t see it clearly at first. I told myself it was just comfort and familiarity, us being us. But after that conversation with my mom, after everyone kept saying they’d always seensomethingbetween us, it became clearer, and when I really thought about leaving ...”
She pauses, voice softening.
“It felt different. Like something in me was breaking—not in the same way I broke when I thought about leavingthe girls, though.” She looks at me then, eyes glassy. “I think I’ve known you were something more than just my best friend since college, after we first kissed, but I didn’t let myself admit it because I thought I’d already crossed a line I shouldn’t have. And when you never brought it up, I thought that maybe I was confusing things. Then I met Mia, and I got so wrapped up in her that I couldn’t see beyond her. But hearing you say all you just did ... you said everything I’ve been feeling.” Her voice cracks slightly. “I love you, too. And not just as my best friend,” she adds with a shy laugh.
Her words knock the air right out of me, and for a second, I’m weightless.
She meets my eyes, and I can see it—how nervous she is. More than I’ve ever seen her before.
“Really?” I say, my voice hoarse and uneven.
