Page 5 of Last First Kiss
“Lavender Spark,” I say, groaning.
“Well, that’s your problem.”
I nod, defeated. I’ve had the worst dating experiences with women on that app, but it’s the only one dedicated tosapphics. I’ve tried others, but somehow, I always end up getting messages from men, and I hate it.
“Yeah, well, we can’t all waltz into a bar and walk away with a million different numbers.”
Clara laughs as she sets my right foot down and grabs my left.
It’s so annoying how effortless it is for her. She just exists, and women line up.
“I’m done dating. I’m exhausted. I’m never going to find that one person who makes me feel all the right things. I don’t know why I keep putting myself through this. It’s clearly never going to work.”
“Oh, come on, you know that’s not true. You had a bad date. They won’t all be that way.”
“Not all, but a good 80% have been. I’m done with this app. I’m done with dating, period. If the love gods want me to find my person, they can have us grab the same box of cookies at the grocery store or something.”
Clara cracks a smile and rolls her eyes at me. She knows I’m being dramatic. “Well, I wouldn’t put too much thought into why this date sucked. It sounds like she should be dating herself anyway.”
“Yeah, but she’s not the only one who hasn’t worked out. I’ve been on amazing dates lately, but something is always missing, and I don’t know what. It’s really starting to bug me.”
Clara looks at me and frowns.
“What’s wrong with me?” I whisper.
“Nothingis wrong with you. Sometimes people don’t vibe. What doyouthink is missing?”
I prop myself up on my elbows and sigh. I wish I knew, but there’s literally nothing wrong with most of the women I’ve been seeing. It’s a feeling, like something isn’tentirely right, like there’s an invisible force holding me back.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly, because if I knew, I’d have fixed it already.
Clara lies next to me. She puts one of her arms under my neck and wraps the other around my waist until we’re on our sides, staring at each other. Our faces are so close that our noses touch. This is usually the position we’re in when we have deep talks or check-ins. It started around the time Clara’s mom died. I’d hold on to Clara like this for hours while she cried and cursed the world. Slowly, it became something we did every time we had a heavy conversation or needed the extra support and warmth of being near each other. It’s as if we’re in a little cocoon where only we exist in this world, giving each other our undivided attention and support.
“Why has this been so important to you lately?” Clara nuzzles her nose against mine. “I know you love having that special connection with someone, but you’re chasing it harder than ever. What’s going on?”
I close my eyes, but I don’t need to think about it. I know exactly why. Ever since Lily and Isabella—our best friends since middle school—got together a year and a half ago, it’s been impossible not to notice the empty space beside me. Watching them has only made it clearer how much I miss having that kind of connection, and how much I want it again.
I’ve only been in love once, and that ended—at least officially—almost three years ago. But we kept seeing each other until a few months ago, when I finally decided to cut things off for good. I spent so long trying to fix whatever was broken, hoping we could save the relationship. We kept sleeping together, even after she told me she didn’t wantanything more. I let myself become her fuck buddy, her booty call after dates. I don’t even know how it got to that point. I think somewhere along the way, I told myself it would help me move on, but it only made things worse. It only broke me more and more.
“I’m almost thirty, and I haven’t felt deep love or even a tiny spark of infatuation since I dated Mia,” I say, the air slowly leaving my lungs until all that’s left is an empty ache. “She broke up with me almost three years ago. You’d think I’d be over it by now, but the more I go on these dates, the more and more I think she broke something in me so deeply I’ll never be able to feel that much love again. I want to find that person who’ll make me feel ... as if maybe I’m not broken, someone to show me that I can love and be loved again.” Tears start to sting at the back of my eyes.
I met Mia during my junior year of college, but we didn’t start dating until our senior year. I was so sure she’d be the one I’d marry and form a life with, that she’d be the person I’d look over to and see on my deathbed. I loved her so much. I even pictured having kids with her, something I’d never wanted to do in my life, but I saw it with her: the white picket fence, the home, the kids, and the grandkids. I was completely blindsided when she showed up at my apartment one day and broke up with me a week before our fifth anniversary. And to make it even worse, I had been going to propose. I’d bought the ring, talked to her parents, hired a photographer, and planned out every little detail. I had been all in, and in the blink of an eye, it was over.
“I’m sorry, Ale, I can’t keep doing this,” Mia had said. “I don’t think what we have is working. I kept waiting for the sparks I felt at the beginning to return, to grow deeper in love with you. I thought I’d catch up with your feelings eventually, but I haven’t. And I don’t think I ever will.You’re incredible, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I think we need to break up.”
I swear the Earth swallowed me whole the second she’d said it all. I was in this dark, empty space, alone, while my heart shattered beyond repair.
She said so much that night, but I didn’t hear a word. All that replayed in my mind was the love of my life saying she’d essentially had to force herself to try to love me the way I’d loved her, and I think that’s what hurt the most. How effortless it was for me to love her, and how hard it was for her to love me.
Since then, I’ve thought that maybe I’m hard to love, maybe I’ll never be quite enough for someone to truly fall for. I’ve had other relationships since Mia, none of which were serious or lasted more than a few months. I can’t seem to take that step into something real, even though Ireallywant to.
“I want to find my person and start doing all the small, dumb things with them. To wake up next to someone and be completely happy. Who doesn’t want that?” I wrap my arms around my waist, trying to contain the pit in my stomach.
“Me,” Clara interrupts jokingly.
I know she’s trying to lighten the mood, but it just annoys me. I don’t even acknowledge it, because if I could shut off my feelings as easily as Clara always seems to, I would’ve done it a long time ago.
There’s a beat of silence, and then her hands wrap tighter around my waist, pulling me deeper into her arms. I nuzzle into her neck, taking in a breath of her and letting my tears fall.
