Page 49 of Last First Kiss
After dinner, Clara disappears into her room without a word. A week ago, I would’ve followed her without a second thought, crawled into bed beside her, put on a random show, and wrapped myself around her. But now? Now, there’s this tight, twisty feeling stuck between my ribs and my throat—nerves, want, confusion. I know it was just one kiss—onereallyamazing, maybe-life-altering kiss—but I keep wondering if everything we usually do is going to feel different. If it’s still okay to lie next to her, to touch her the way I used to, even though the slightest contact feels like a spark.
My heart thuds against my ribs as I walk down the hall and stop at her door, which suddenly feels way bigger than it should. I stare at it like it might swing open on its own, holding my breath, my heart thudding harder and harder as I lift my hand to knock.
I don’t know why I’m so nervous to go in there.
“Come in,” Clara calls from inside.
But I don’t. I’m frozen, feet rooted to the floor. My hand hovers near the doorknob, but I can’t bring myself to turn it.
I hear Clara rummaging about in her closet. When the rustling stops, silence follows before she whispers, “What the fuck?” Then she shouts, “Ale?”
The door swings open, and there I am—frozen at her door like a weirdo.
“What are you doing?” Clara chuckles.
A nervous laughter bubbles up in my chest, but I still can’t move.
“Seriously, what are you doing there?” She tilts her head slightly, brows knitting.
“I—I need clothes,” I say, finally stepping through the doorway.
Clara watches me carefully as I head straight to the closet and grab my favorite set of pajamas since all my things are still in her room.
“You okay?” she asks.
“Yeah, totally fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I say, a little too fast, a little too brightly. It practically screams,I’m not fine at all.
“Fine, fine, fine,” I mumble, trying to fill the silence as Clara watches me dig through her closet like I’m still searching for something, even though the pajamas I want are already in my hand. Distraction feels easier than eye contact right now.
I’m not usually this nervous around women, but this isn’t just any woman. This is Clara, my best friend. My best friend, whom I kissed, and whom I can’t stop thinking about kissing again.
I already knew the softness of her lips on my cheek, my forehead, my hand, but feeling them on my own is something entirely different. I love it, and that scares me. Because now, nothing feels as if it’ll ever be enough.
Clara watches me with this amused, slightly raised brow.
“If you say so,” she says, clearly not believing me.
“I should change.” I beeline it for the bathroom.
I shut the door behind me and lean against it. My heart’s racing, and I catch my reflection in the mirror, groaning softly. I look a panicked mess. Why am I like this? One kiss and I’m acting as if I’ve never spoken to her before. I kick myself—literally—a soft tap to the shin, because that’s how desperate I am to snap out of it.
I change quickly, trying to breathe through the tightness in my chest. I smooth my shirt down, take one last steadying breath, and open the bathroom door. Clara’s sitting on the bed, scrolling on her phone as if everything is normal, as if I didn’t nearly combust trying to talk to her like a normal person.
I walk out of the bathroom, trying to play it cool, even though my palms are sweating and I have no idea what to say.
I sit at the edge of her bed, limbs awkward and stiff. I can’t get comfortable or figure out what to do with my body.
“What are you doing over there?” Clara asks, setting her phone down on the nightstand next to her.
“I—” I laugh, mostly at myself because I’m being ridiculous. “I don’t know,” I say, rubbing my hands over my face.
“Come here.” She pats the spot in front of her.
I inch closer. When I finally reach her, she cups my face with both hands, her touch impossibly gentle.
“Do you want to talk?” she asks sweetly.
I do, I really fucking do, but my words can’t find their way out of my throat, so I nod. I just nod. How is she so calm right now? I guess she really is the queen of casual, because I feel on the verge of a panic attack.
