Page 16 of Last First Kiss
I rub hard at my forehead, my eyes fixed on a dark spot on the sidewalk that suddenly feels like the only solid thing in the world.
“I’ve spent years trying to move on,” I breathe. “And this is the only thing I haven’t tried. Maybe if I let myself have this, just for a little while, even if it’s fake, the feelings will burn out. Maybe getting some version of what I’ve wanted for so long will help me let it go.”
It sounds ridiculous now that I’m saying it out loud. I know feelings don’t work that way. I’m clinging to whatever lie gets me through the moment so that I can catch a glimpse of what could be if I were braver about my feelings.
Valeria doesn’t say anything, just chews on the inside of her bottom lip. Probably trying to find the kindest way to tell me I’m being silly. She’s always been the “mom” of the group. Sweet and gentle, so I know whatever is coming is most likely something I need to hear, but don’t want to.
When she finally speaks, she says exactly what I thought she would.
“That is a terrible idea.”
I nod. On some level, I know this.
“I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t wanteitherof you to get hurt, but the only one at risk of that right now is you.”
“It’ll be fine. I know this isn’t real.”
“Clara, hearts and minds don’t always align.” She unhooks her arm from mine and wraps it around my waist, pulling me closer. “I know you think you know what you’re getting into, and I’m not going to try to stop you. I don’t want to. But please be careful. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“I know,” I say, trying to swallow the lump in my throat, my chest slowly tightening in on itself.
I’m not usually this emotional. Maybe it’s because the only way I get to be with Alejandra is by pretending, and it fucking sucks. This is the closest I’ll ever get to having her. It’s a boundary I set for myself, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
“I’m here for you, every step of the way, you know that, right?” Valeria asks.
“I do.” I pull her into a hug. “Thank you.”
We don’t end up going to the coffee shop; we walk around aimlessly for a bit longer. In silence. Something I’m grateful for because my mind is spinning.
CHAPTER FIVE
ALEJANDRA
When Clara gets home, we start cleaning the house. Organizing the living room and kitchen to my very strict standards.
I want to ask her why she and Valeria all but ran out of the house earlier, but Clara’s energy is all off. And as much as I want to know why, I should give her some space. She knows I’m always here whenever she needs me, so even though I’mdyingto talk to her about it, I don’t bring it up.
After we get everything cleaned up, we both drop onto the couch. Clara wraps herself in a cream-colored throw blanket and sighs as she melts into the cushions.
Her eyes are closed, body relaxed. I grab her legs and throw them over my crisscrossed legs, reach for her foot, and start massaging it. She tenses up at first, but as I dig my knuckle into the curve of her foot, she relaxes again. We’re constantly giving each other massages. The action is so normal between us that it’s become something we do whenever one of us is sitting on the couch and the other is lying down. I usually do it because it feels good to take care of her, but right now, I’m really craving the closeness. And asmuch as I’m doing it because I want to offer her some sort of comfort, selfishly, the weight of her legs over me is grounding, and I need it right now because my mind has been in overdrive since she bolted out of our home.
I’ve been wanting to talk to her about the girls’ reactions since it happened, and when she went out with Valeria, my brain started racing. Because isn’t overthinking the best pastime?
Now that she’s back, I need to bring it up or I might implode. I’ve never been good at processing my feelings without discussing them with her. There’s something about talking things out with Clara that helps the spiral of overthinking slow down. I need to check in with her and see where she’s at with everything. I want to make sure there’s no weirdness lingering, especially if others’ opinions are messing with how she feels about our friendship. What if she wants things to change because of it? I don’t think I could handle that.
“Can we talk?” I ask, and Clara tenses up again.
Fuck, that’s not a good sign. Clara rarely tenses up on me, and now it’s happened twice in less than five minutes.
“About?” She pulls her foot from my hands and sits up, wrapping the blanket tightly around her.
“Everything the girls said.” I grab a strand of hair and twist it between my fingers—a nervous habit I’ve picked up from Clara.
“About us finally being together?” Clara gulps.
“Yeah...have they ever brought that up to you? Did you know they felt like that?”
Clara shakes her head slowly, chewing the inside of her cheek.
