Page 73 of Give Me a Chance
“I know it’s not. But I didn’t plan this. It wasn’t a ‘meet the parents’ type of deal; she just needed my help.”
“I get that, but now she’s thinking we’re more than we are.”
“And would that be so bad?” He sneaks a glance at me.
“Yes! Yes, Matt. I’ve been telling you this for a while now.” My voice is louder now.
Sighing, he drags a hand through his hair. “Look, I know, OK? It won’t happen again. It was an accident, a coincidence. Let’s just forget about it and enjoy our date?” Blood drains from my face hearing the word.
“Of course, it was a date. It was a fucking sleepover.” It was stupid of me to think it was something else. “Take me back tomy car,” I say, calmly, knowing I have to stop this before it goes further.
He nods his head, his knuckles whitening with the grip on the steering wheel.
“If that’s what you want.”
We drive in silence the rest of the way. He parks next to my car in front of the office building and looks at me.
“I’m sorry if I went too far. I never meant to push you.”
“No, you did. You just hoped I wouldn’t notice you pushing me.” Venom spits from my mouth as I battle my disappointment. I was happy with what we were, but he was coaxing me to get his way.
“You know what?” His voice gets louder. “I did. Because I like you, Natalie. I like you so fucking much. And I can’t stop thinking about you. I want us to be more than fuck buddies.” His face scrunches up in disgust. “So much more. So, sorry for trying to make it real!”
“I don’t do real!” I shout in his face, pushing a finger into his chest. “I’ve told you that a million times. You knew what you were getting yourself into. You just thought you could mold me to fit what you’re looking for.”
“You’re right, I did know. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t have you and not have you. It’s too fucking painful.” His hand closes around my own. His green eyes pierce into me, filled with sadness. Any I feel my own eyes filling up.
“You can’t have me. No one can. I’m not a piece of property to have.”
“I’m not saying that.” He pulls on his hair, tears welling up in his eyes. “But I need more.”
“Well, I wish you all the best in finding that. Having more free time will definitely help your dating life.” I grab my bag from the backseat and exit the car.
“Please text me when you get home. It’s already dark out,” he says before I close the door. He stares at me through the windshield, his eyes saying a million more unspoken words.
I keep my cool while I start my car and drive myself home. I don’t break down until I’m parked near my building, but when I do, a sob escapes me while my eyes flood with tears. The panic attack I almost had meeting his mom drained me of energy.
Of course, he doesn’t want to same thing I do. He’s meant to be a loving partner, a family man.
Why would he settle for less with a damaged old me? Why would he settle for the crumbs of attention I give him when he could have it all?
He’s supposed to be finding his soul mate and though the thought of him being with someone else crushes me, it’s a fact I’ll have to suck up.
When my tears finally dry out, another emotion swells inside of me. My mind tries to be the voice of reason, claiming we’re simply too different, but my heart pumps louder, furious with him.
I may only want sex, but I was honest from the start. I never pretended to want anything different. He was to one claiming to be ok with the whole thing, all the while trying to manipulate me into something else.
My old therapist would have a field day with this. Deflecting your grief with anger, I see. Masking your hurt with the resting bitch face.
I don’t give a shit. It’s how I’ve survived for so long, and the only problem now was I let someone get too close, again.
It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like the young girl I was once was, completely destroyed because she trusted someone.
I promised myself wouldn’t be making that mistake again. And I won’t.
This was just a miscalculation, a glitch. The pain I feel is the disappointment from falling into his trap, not the proof I’ve fallen into something more.
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