Page 21 of Stripping Little Seraphina
Perfect for me.
My throat closed. Images of the tea party flashed in my head—me laughing, me cuddling my stuffy, me looking at Mistress V like she hung all the stars. And then I saw what I’d see in my mother’s eyes: shame, disappointment.
She’d never accept this. Neither of my parents would.
The phone slipped from my fingers. My breath came in shallow bursts.
Mistress V’s voice was soft, careful. “Sera?”
I shook my head, hugging my arms around myself. “No. No, no, no. I can’t do this. I shouldn’t have gone to that party. This is wrong.”
She reached for me, but I backed away, panic clawing through me. “They’ll never understand. They’ll hate me. I’ll lose everything. I can’t?—”
The spiral pulled me under before I could stop it. The walls were closing in around me. There was a high pitch buzz in my ears. My voice was nonexistent in my head, instead, all I heard were disappointing words from the two people who’d birthed me. My sister even seemed hesitant when she was talking to me. Sure, she knew that I was lesbian, but the rest of this. My Little in particular, would be very taboo. Maybe I could find a world where I was okay without my parents, but to lose Josephina was unbearable. She was my best friend and it hurt to keep this side of me from her. I couldn’t lose her too.
Nicest young man.
The words blurred on my phone screen staring up at me. My mom’s text burned into me like a brand I couldn’t scrub out. Another text came through but I couldn’t focus enough to read it.
Perfect for you.
No, she didn’t mean me. Not this version of me. Not the girl who went to tea parties with stuffies, who leaned into Mistress V’s steady hand, who felt safe being a Little. It was the first time that I’d felt seen by others and celebrated. Cared for. My mother meant the version she wanted: proper, polished, straight.
Today, Mistress V stayed in character as the dutiful escort and guard. My protector. My… Daddy? Or at least that’s what I’d hoped one would be like. Gentle with their babygirl. Their princess. What had I given her in return? How could she be open to or with me if I couldn’t even be honest with the family I was born into? I knew that this situation was temporary, but the entire purpose of this class and my being here at Rawhide Ranch was to explore myself. To find my community and build a safe place. But I was—am—a fraud.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered, pacing in tight circles across the carpet. My chest heaved, each breath shallow and sharp. “I can’t—I shouldn’t have—I’m stupid, I’m?—”
“Stop.” Mistress V’s voice cut clean through the chaos.
I froze, but my body shook. My hands twisted in my dress, pulling the fabric tight around me. “You don’t understand! If they find out—if they even guess?—”
“Whoevertheyare, they’re not here,” she said firmly. “It’s just you and me.”
“I can’t lose them,” I choked, tears spilling hot down my face. “But I don’t want to stop either, I—oh God, I’m broken, I’m?—”
“You arenotbroken.” Mistress V stepped closer, slow but sure, her presence like an anchor. “You are overwhelmed. You are scared. But you arenot broken.”
I shook my head, spiraling deeper. My vision narrowed, the edges of the room grew fuzzy. “It’s wrong, I’m wrong, I can’t?—”
Mistress V caught my chin gently but firmly, tilting my face up until I had no choice but to look at her. Her eyes were steady, unflinching. “Breathe.”
“I—”
“Now, Sera.”
Her tone snapped through me, commanding and calm all at once. My chest hitched. I dragged in a jagged breath, then another, but it wasn’t enough.
“Good girl,” she said lowly, her thumb brushing the edge of my jaw. “Again. With me. In”—she inhaled, deep and slow—“out.”
I matched her. Barely at first, but then again. In. Out. My breaths began to sync with hers, the storm inside me faltering.
“That’s it.” Her voice softened, though the steel remained underneath. “Feel the floor under your feet. Solid. You’re not floating away—you’re here. And I’ve got you babygirl.”
Oh god! I’d even forgotten my own method for calming down. Which made sense because I couldn’t figure out what my five senses were right now. I see… hear… I see… hear… My knees wobbled, and suddenly her hands were on my arms, groundingme, steadying me. I collapsed against her chest, sobs shaking through me.
“Told you I’ve got you,” she murmured, holding me tight. “Let it out. I’m not going anywhere.”
I buried my face in her suit jacket, gripping fistfuls of the fabric like it was the only thing keeping me tethered. It truly was the one thing holding me together. Well, if you called this together. I felt like I was spiraling and free falling at the same time. Either way, I had very little concept of what was real and what wasn’t. The only tangible thing that I could hold on to was her. She held strong and sure. True and solid. Why couldn’t I have this all the time?
