Page 61 of Operator
“You should let me go with you.” He starts to get dressed, pulling on a pair of jeans and tugging on a t-shirt over all his beautiful, bare skin. I can’t help it. I watch until he’s completely dressed. Catching me, he smiles, and I grin unashamedly in response. I love that we can argue now and still be completely okay afterwards.
“I’m a big girl, Cal. Besides, it’s something I want to do.” I cross the bedroom to him and lift onto the tips of my toes for a kiss. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
“That’s like telling me not to breathe,” he gripes. “Keep your phone on you and promise me you’ll go straight there and back.”
“It’s only a half-mile and you can see me the entire time.”
“I still think I should go with you,” he adds with a frown.
“I’ll be fast, and you’ll be here. I doubt they’ll do something two days in a row.”
“Call me if you have any trouble. I’ve got to fix the lawn mower, so I’ll be out back if you need me.”
He’s still frowning when I leave.
The truth is, for the first time, the little house Ian and I made together doesn’t feel like home. It feels suffocating, and if I don’t get out, I may start to scream. So I bundled up the baby and packed her diaper bag after we had breakfast and decided it was time to speak to Bunny—alone—whether Cal liked it or not. I buckle the baby into her jogging stroller, and we set out on a long walk down the winding dirt roads.
I feel as though I’m on the precipice of a thousand different decisions and I’m being torn in so many different directions. On the one hand, my first priority is and always will be Violet. What’s best for her now and in the long term. After Ian died, I needed to be near family, near his family in particular, because I wanted to be close to him. I couldn’t bear to leave the home we built together. I clung to every wisp of memory that I could.
But now…even though I feel guilty about it, now I’m itching to take the steps to start moving on. Though Cal is a significant part of my future, I have to decide what to do on my own, for me. I know he’d support whatever I decide to do, but it’s important to me to not only consider what’s best for Violet, but to make certain I’m strong enough on my own to be the woman he deserves.
Ever since I had the conversation with Bunny, I’ve been toying with the idea of following her advice. I’d applied for positions on a whim, but there are two offers I’ve been considering. One, a lucrative position at a Seattle lab and another in North Florida, near to Alec in Battleboro, actually. They have an extensive lab on the coast not too far away.
I gave Violet the best start possible, making sure that I was safe and supported during my pregnancy and the first few months after birth. Now it’s time to start thinking about her future. Because Bunny was right, I can’t stagnate here, as much as I’d like to. I’d go crazy after too long trying to fit into a life that doesn’t exist anymore. And living for a ghost isn’t living. I may as well have one foot in the grave if I stay in Sweet Creek because it’s what Ian would have wanted. Truthfully, he only would have wanted me to be happy. I know that for certain.
My feet end up taking me down the long driveway, up the road, and straight to Bunny and Todd’s house without too much thinking. I find myself knocking on their door and smiling at Bunny’s welcoming expression.
“Well, aren’t you a pleasant surprise?” she squeals.
“Good morning, Bunny.”
“Mornin’, sugar. What a wonderful way to start the day. Why don’t you two come in? I just started breakfast. You hungry?” Like a true Southern mother, Bunny shows love with grease. “I won’t take no for an answer, you hear?”
“Well, alright then. I wanted to talk to you anyway.”
“I’ll pour you a cup of coffee and then we’ll fix ourselves a plate. C’mon in now.”
I park the stroller by the front stoop and scoop Violet out of the seat. Bunny takes her eagerly into her arms and I follow them both inside. Todd smiles and waves from his spot in the recliner, a football highlight flashing on the television screen.
“Good morning, darlin’,” he says, and the tension coiled in my stomach releases a little. His coloring is looking so much better already. It stings a little, seeing how much he looks like Ian, but not as much as it used to, and it’s a relief.
I bend down to kiss his weather-worn cheek. “Morning. How are you feeling? You look good.”
His smile crinkles the corners of his eyes. “Much better these days.”
“Not too much longer,” Bunny warns with a critical look. “You know the doctor wants you up and moving around at least thirty minutes a day. May as well go on and get it out of the way, so I don’t have to nag you about it all day.”
“Alright, alright. I’m going.” Todd gives me a look like she’s already been nagging him, and I giggle behind my hand.
“So,” Bunny says with a smile as she plates up breakfast for me, “what brings you here this morning?”
It’s now or never. I take a steadying breath. “Well, I wanted to thank you for the conversation we had the other day. It really woke me up, and I think you may have been right about me getting back to work and moving on.”
Bunny takes the seat across from me, her brassy blonde hair glinting in the sun spilling in from the kitchen windows. I realize with a start, I’m going to miss her. Miss them. They’ve become my family as much as my own. “Of course I was right. But that’s beside the point. Is that what you want to do? I only want for you to be happy, and you were always a bright girl. Too bright to stay in this town forever. You should be following your dreams.”
“I know. I hear you. Well, anyway. I applied to some positions in my specialty. I’m considering taking one of them, though they’re not remotely close to here. I hope that’s okay.” I guess Cal isn’t the only one who wants their approval.
Her smile falters a little. “Well, that makes sense. We couldn’t expect you to stay around here forever. Where are they?”
