Page 46 of Operator
“There’s no way in hell I’m missing this. I’ve spent the past five years imagining it. I’m gonna watch every second.” He gestures with a finger, and I shift from foot to foot.
Then I decide, fuck it. My body is what it is. I just had a baby. He’s seen me at my worst and seen me at my best. We’re both too old to play childish games.
And frankly, if a man doesn’t like what he sees when he takes a woman to the figurative bed, then he doesn’t deserve her.
With that thought in mind, I strip from my nursing nightgown with a little difficulty, but finally I manage. I toss it on the floor on top of the shirt. I’ve lived in the same rotation of outfits since Violet was born and none of them are as sexy as Callum in sweatpants and a t-shirt. At six weeks postpartum, I’m no longer bleeding, but I am still very aware of the fact that I have recently given birth.
My body is crisscrossed with still-red check stretch marks. My nipples are the size of saucers. And dark brown instead of the sweet pink they used to be. I have patches of hair missing from my head and I can’t remember the last time I shaved.
Good God, what was I thinking? I couldn’t be less sexy if I tried. I freeze, naked, in front of him. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see my reflection in the mirror. For all my bravado, part of me still worries that reality won’t match up with fantasy. The world is a lot different when it’s flesh and blood instead of make believe. Instinctively, my hands cross over my breasts, although they don’t cover nearly as much as I want them to.
Seeing the distinct look of discomfort on my face, Callum pulls my hands away and asks, “What’s wrong?”
If my hands were free, they’d be covering my face. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. I look nothing like I used to. I haven’t even shaved!” My despairing wail sounds pathetic even to my ears.
But Callum doesn’t bat an eye. He only grins at me and it’s so damn sexy I momentarily forget I’m naked. “Baby, I’m not afraid of a little hair.”
I don’t know why that is sexy, but it is. It soothes my insecurities so that when he opens the shower curtain and steps in, and I take his offered hand and follow behind him. The baby should sleep for another hour, which is basically all the time in the world.
As he adjusts the water temperature, I shamelessly ogle his naked body. He’s covered in a light dusting of hair the same gold shade all over. It’s darker and thicker on his thighs and abdomen. My mouth goes dry as I finally glance between his legs and see his erection. My own thighs press together, and I find it hard to breathe through the steam. He’s as perfect and beautiful as I remember.
Catching me staring, he cocks a knowing brow before pouring body wash in his hands and positioning me in front of him. With expert care, he lathers the soap all over my body. I’d washed the night before, but I’ll never leave this shower if I get attention like this. He pays special attention to my breasts, my neck, and my ass. All of his favorite parts.
By the time he rinses me off, I’m shaking. The combination of fear, anticipation, and recklessness consumes me.
“It doesn’t bother you?” I ask him. Then curse myself inwardly for blurting out my insecurities. Again.
His hands weigh the fullness of my breasts. “What?”
My eyes go half-lidded, and I almost forget what I was worried about. “That I look different…” It sounds like a question.
I can hear the smile in his voice when he says, “I look different, too.”
I roll my eyes at him, even though he can’t see me. “That’s not the same thing.”
He brushes his fingers against the soft, marked skin of my stomach. The muscles beneath quiver. He turns me around. When his eyes meet mine, they’re liquid pools of need. For me. “I’ve always loved your body. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world. But that’s not the only reason I want you.”
“Why do you want me?” That’s probably not a question you should ask someone while you’re naked, but it’s the one I’ve been dying to know the answer to. I’m already vulnerable and insecure. His answer could multiply that feeling. I’m terrified.
Callum pulls me flush against his body and it leaves no doubt to the truth of his words. “I want you because it’s always been you. I never should have let you go.”
My eyes begin to water, and I can’t look away from his arresting gaze. They’re the words that I’ve wanted to hear from him for so long. Words I never dreamt I would ever hear. I almost believe I’ve imagined them, but then he keeps going.
“I didn’t wanna hurt you before. I thought I was doing the right thing letting you go. I’m glad you were with Ian. He was a good man, and he deserved you far more than I did. He deserves to be with you now. But I can’t deny what I feel for you. I can’t deny I’ve always wanted you. I’m ready to risk everything because if I’m awarded you, then it’s worth it.”
I don’t know what to say. Emotion clogs my throat. It swells up inside of me until I lunge forward, crashing my body against his, infusing our mouths. His hands cup my ass and pull me close. He grows even thicker and harder between us. I groan against his mouth, overwhelmed with the need to have him fill me up.
I make a frustrated sound when his hands keep mine pinned to his body, not allowing me to touch him the way I want to. He deepens the kiss, turning and pressing me against the wall of the shower. Cold tile meets my back. The juxtaposition of his hot body makes me shiver. My nipples pebble against the crisp hair on his chest. I give a passing thought to the fact that my milk may let down, but I’m not worried enough to care. We’re both adults. It’s completely normal.
That doesn’t stop me from gasping when his hands released mine to find my breasts. They’re so tender and full that the slightest touch sends mine sense is going haywire. Not because he’s rough, but because he’s so gentle. More gentle than I’d ever imagined him being. More gentle than when he took my virginity.
“Is this okay?”
My answering yes is a strangled sound that causes him to smile.
“Sensitive?”
I nod.
