Page 41 of Operator
“Don’t blame the baby,” he teases, and I flush with happiness to have him direct a smile my way. You’d think a full-grown woman would know better than to preen under a man’s attentions, but you’d be wrong. “You should probably get some sleep before the little tyrant wakes up again.”
He’s right, I should.
But I hesitate.
Maybe this is his plan. Lull me into a false sense of security. Make me fall for him again and then leave. But why would he waste his time sticking around, doing all the grunt work for no reward? He could have any woman he wanted if he chose. In this day and age—or at least before I got married—all you’d have to do is sign up for one app or another and there’d be any number of people ready and willing. No, it can’t just be sex.
Or maybe…maybe he’s waiting for me to make a move. I nearly hyperventilate when it occurs to me. That’s totally something he would do. He’s going to sit here, day after day, for as long as it takes for me to realize he’s serious. That he means it when he says he won’t leave again. I don’t know why that makes me even more scared than the thought of him leaving.
I glance at him again and see he’s back to watching the movie. His handsome face is illuminated by the TV, and I wish I’d taken a spot on the couch next to him. If I’m being honest with myself, all I want is to curl up next to him and have his warmth wrap around me, along with his arms. I should just go for it.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him. Maybe to even beg him to kiss me again. Make mefeelsomething.
But then he’s getting to his feet and kissing the baby goodnight. With a soft, “Goodnight, Gwen,” he’s gone.
And I’m left feeling more confused than ever.
* * *
“I won’t hear a word of it,” Bunny says. Well, we know where Callum got his stubbornness from. The set of Bunny’s jaw and the rigidness in her shoulders tell me there’s no arguing with her. But I have to try.
“I thought you wanted to spend time with the baby.” It’s a low blow, but I’m desperate.
“There are twenty-four hours in a day. I’ll have plenty of time to spend with her. What she needs more than her grandma is her mother.” Bunny looks me dead in the eye. “She’s already without a daddy and I won’t be the reason she’s without a mother too.”
Talk about low blow. “Bunny, I have to work. You’ve already been too generous, letting me take six weeks off.”
“Six weeks is bullshit. If more Americans were like me, we wouldn’t have such cockamamy maternity leave policies in this day and age. That baby needs to be with her mother and that’s that. I won’t hear another word about it. If you show up at the diner and try to work, I’ll throw you right out on your ass. Don’t think I won’t.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do all day?”
“Love on the baby, of course. That is, until I get home and can do it for you. You can take some time to take a break. You haven’t had a day off since…well, since you know when.” She still can’t say Ian’s name, but I don’t draw any attention to it. She’s already said enough, even mentioning that he’s not here.
“I’m afraid I’ll have too much time to think. I’m sorry that’s not your problem. I should be thanking you for being so kind to me. Instead, I’m being ungrateful.”
“You’re not ungrateful, sugar. You’re a good girl. That’s why I always liked you. Nowbea good girl and do what I say. Or I will call your mother.”
At this I finally crack a smile. “No doubt she would agree with you—if she answered the phone. I just want to get back into a normal routine.”
“Honey, we both know the diner was never going to be a forever solution for you. I appreciate that you’ve taken so much time to help us out. But now that Cal’s back, he’s hired on a couple more girls and we’ve got more help than we need. It’s time to put that fancy college degree of yours to good use. It’s time for you to figure out where you go next.”
The thought of moving on and using my degree feels so daunting. “I wish you’d let me work in the meantime.”
But Bunny pushes to her feet and slaps her thighs. “Not going to happen. Enough is enough. Consider it a favor.”
“If that’s how you feel, I understand.” But I didn’t have to be happy about it. “Are you going to come by tomorrow to see the baby?”
“Of course I am. I have to keep an eye on her. She grows a little more every day.”
I say goodbye to Bunny and see her out the door. When she requested to come over today, a conversation about me not going back to work at the diner was not what I had in mind. I’d plan to take off six to eight weeks depending on how the delivery went, but it had always been my intention to go back to work. As much as I love the Violet, I need something to keep my mind and hands busy or I have too much time to think and according to my doctor it will help with the postpartum anxiety and depression I’ve been experiencing. That, along with a prescription for anti-anxiety medication, is how I’ve been coping.
Believe it or not, Cal is the one who recommended that I bring it up to the doctor in the first place. Who would have thought shove your feelings down Callum would be the one to inspire me to see my doctor about my mental health? But he wasn’t wrong. Starting the medication has been the best choice that I’ve made in a long time. Truth be told, I should have gotten on it after Ian died.
I set the baby back down for a nap, which is not easy these days because she’s going through some sort of growth spurt or mental leap or God only knows, and she fights me until finally passing out with my fingers clutched in her hands. It’s another ten minutes before I can get her settled in her bassinet without holding on to me.
The quiet settles over the house as soon as I closed the door behind me. Like I said, too much time to think. I graduated with a degree in conservation sciences. I got pregnant before Ian was reassigned to his next duty station. So both my degree and my future had been up in the air. Ian was due to deploy again, and I was planning to make a decision after the baby was born anyway. It just didn’t quite turn out the way that I had planned.
The thought of planning a future without Ian made me panic. So I’d frozen in place. Bunny suggesting I not go back to work at the diner was essentially her way of pouring hot water to directly over my head.
